Hurrah, huzzah, the Premiership returns today! Festoon the town with gay bunting and let every man, woman and child take to the streets to express their jubilation in a festive jamboree of laughter, dance and song! Wake up the neighbours, wheel out the old folk, lift up the tiny children onto your broad shoulders, their bright eyes glittering with glee, and let a nation's unparalleled joy vent forth across this fair isle! Me? Well I'd love to join you, but I'm afraid I'm in bed, nursing a quite crippling lack of interest. Thanks So what are we to expect from this, the newest of new seasons? What indeed? What what what? Whatty what what? Pooty poot poot. Tum tiddly um tum tum. Cor, dear me, who's to say?
Oh, all right. Arsenal. Arsenal are Clint Panzerdivision's top tip for the Premiership, which I suppose would mean winning the FA Cup or something. I'm basing this on the recommendation of Julie, who won the GWR phone-in quiz by correctly identifying Busted as the three-piece band who "sleep with the lights on", so best get down the bookies sharpish.
Here, what about that blackout in America, eh? How weird was that? All those office workers sleeping on the streets of New York, the post-apocalyptic lost city midnight skyline, hardly the sort of thing you expect to see from the planet's sole remaining Superpower. Could it be linked to the MSBlast virus, do you think? Hmm. My extensive research (a techie site on the Interweb) would suggest not, but would THEY really admit it if it were? Roving viruses taking down public utilities? Western civilisation now inextricably dependent on a fragile technological framework that may collapse at any moment? Woo, scary...
Nah, don't listen to me, I'm feeling more than usually paranoid of late. A low-flying aeroplane flew past the house on Thursday and I was practically convinced it was falling out of the sky and heading straight for my bedroom window. Which is silly really. I mean, it'd be just as likely to come down on Redlands school field, break up on impact and send an expanding fireball of superheated jet fuel and shrapnel through my window. I've probably been eating too much cheese.
La la la. Footy footy ball. Have you read 'Jennifer Government' by Max Barry? It's not as good as it looks. Suffers from over-high reader expectation of a darkly satirical anti-corporate '1984' for the post-'No Logo' era. It's that Naomi Klein quote on the front cover that does it. Quite disappointing when you find out it's actually 'Robocop' without, well, Robocop. Not that I didn't like 'Robocop' or, indeed, the book. Just, y'know. Hype. Bad.
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle! According to the last Fracas, Arsenal have been the FA Cup winners for the last two years in a row! I really should have remembered that. That Julie, she certainly knows her onions, eh?
Beckham's gone then. And Manchester have a new, er... player. Which is probably quite a relief because otherwise they'd only have ten men. The new guy is somebody Ronaldo, apparently... Ah, sod it. Go on, bugger off, we'll finish early today. Proper Fracas next time - I'll, I don't know, go to a game or something. Although it's seven quid to see Chippenham Town FC so I might not. Who can say? Any chance of expenses, Al?
Editor's Note: Yes, if I didn't think you'd just spend it on booze and then make something up.