To the offices of the Mail Online, the digital edition of the UK’s leading hate-sheet. HDUK has arrived
to hear a revelation about their employee and ‘Britain’s most controversial columnist’, Katie Hopkins.
Indeed, this extraordinary story has the purveyors of the ‘sidebar of shame’ and endless stories
about cellulite affecting teenage girls, all of a tizzy.
“We got word of this shocking development when it broke earlier,” Editorial Assistant Jessica
Smombie told Home Defence from within an office of flustered PAs, shrill ringtones and the
screams of editor Paul Dacre emanating from nearby. “I just can’t believe it. I really thought Katie
was the jewel in our crown, a secret weapon for increasing race hatred across the UK without
anyone really noticing too much.”
“Only yesterday I was waiting for Mrs Hopkins to file the latest in her barely-coherent weekly
expulsions,” Miss Smombie went on. “We were hoping she might go into detail about how
next-President Donald Trump arouses her sexually, or the delight she feels on reading reports of refugee children drowning.
Then maybe she would segue into masturbating in front of footage showing fat people being shot in the head on YouTube - the
more taboo-busting the better as far as I’m concerned. The Mail could have really
taken Hopkins’ fight for what she calls ‘freedom of speech’ to the next level.
Unfortunately we had to pull her page and commission some illiterate ramblings
from that bloke out of Britain First instead, the one who doesn’t know which way is
forward. Katie’s behaviour is a crying shame for us, but it’s also an outrage on the British public and the security of our proud, white nation.”
Until the shocking disclosure most people knew Hopkins simply as Britain’s leading purveyor of offence, someone who inspires young women everywhere to tell the school
careers advisor they want to be a professional troll like her on growing up. Indeed, upsetting the weak for money comes easily to Hopkins because she doesn’t experience
any human emotion (apart from lust). No, this is someone whose abject failure on television programme ‘The Apprentice’ in 2007
handed her a media career encompassing reality shows, a slot for LBC radio and freelance work making overweight people cry on daytime TV. But those who simply
dismiss Hopkins as a stupid cunt have been forced to rethink their opinion this week, following her disappearance and that grainy footage, apparently shot by Islamic
State, which was released this morning.
“You western infidels think you’re doing so well, trying to take back our territory, but we’ve had agents of terror walking among you
all the time and here’s the proof!” A masked man standing before tanks that were flying the flag of ISIS declared, the clip
continuing with the spokesman saying: “Look, she’s over here! We smuggled Katie into our territory when she asked to be
‘decommissioned’ after years spreading anti-Muslim propaganda on our behalf in secret. No English person has done more to
bring about the upcoming ‘clash of civilizations’ we’re so keen on than her – take that United Kingdom and your P.M. Diddy
Dave, the ham-faced pig-fucker!”
On hearing the phrase ‘ham-faced pig-fucker’ several dozen ISIS fighters appeared out of foxholes in the desert, raised their guns and cheered. A diminutive figure then
shuffled on from stage-right, dressed in a loose abaya and double-layered veil revealing just two eyes and an exceptionally large proboscis. The ISIS spokesman beside the woman then began to shout once more.
“You idiot UK taxpayers trained her in military techniques when she was a deep-lying terrorist spy all the time – ha ha ha! Yes, Katie Hopkins is an ISIL
enemy agent and so, when your NHS fixed her epilepsy, she was straight on the phone to me saying ‘Mohammed, big man, come and take me away from
these Godless fools! I’ll leave my three children and marriage, no probs. I need a real man now, and I’m willing to get hitched to one of your mates before
Allah and Islamic State. Then, when we’re done, I’ll totes help you take over the world’.”
“I know it’s hard for you Brexit-voting idiots back in Middle England to believe,” the
ISIS commander chortled. “But Hopkins’ racist bigotry was all an act, aimed at
supporting our move toward a global Caliphate and generating hatred between the west and ordinary Muslims. Look, there she is, over there - you
can’t mistake that nose, and nor can you blame Katie for not wanting to live in a country of roly-poly infidels anymore. We don’t get fat here, not
since the Russians bombed our last food convoy.”
At this point the veiled figure moved in and began to feel up the muscly arms of the ISIS spokesman who responded by saying: “Katie, I’m already
spoken for, Mrs Hopkins, please!” at which point, the footage cuts out.
The video release is horribly embarrassing for everyone concerned, particularly the Intelligence Services. Today MI5 were forced to act and
released a statement classifying Katie Hopkins as an “enemy of the state” to assure British citizens that “even as we speak there’s a drone strike
with her name on it, about to be launched”. But the press conference was interrupted by a bunch of rowdy journalists who forced the spook to admit
that, for the past twenty years, a secretly ‘radicalised’ Hopkins has been planting the seeds of England’s downfall, even as she outwardly assumed
the persona of a random bigot who has no idea what she’s saying.
“I’m still not convinced.” Middle East political expert and long-time Hopkins watcher Conkie Lothiphant (right) told HDUK. “Islamic extremists may claim they had Katie on board
all the time, and that she’s just the tip of a racist iceberg of ‘sleeper agents’ across our media outlets, but something about this doesn’t add up. Close investigation and possible
water-boarding of Rod Liddle or Kelvin MacKenzie is unlikely to follow, even if MI5 does suddenly believe many of our columnists have been outwitting them for decades. Although
saying that, it couldn’t do any harm.”
“A far more convincing explanation is that Hopkins’ recent career difficulties, such as the failure of her ill-conceived chat show ‘If
Katie Hopkins Ruled The World’, combined with a ‘This Morning’ banning order as well as the likes of Richard Curtis and the
Archbishop of Canterbury making death threats against her, has led Katie to look into alternative lifestyles and work, well away from the UK.”
“We all know she has form in this area,” Conkie went on, “having deliberately seduced dozens of husbands out of happy marriages in the past ‘just for a laugh’. And
with Hopkins’ predilection for hunky military types, where better to find fresh meat and the sexual excitement her life has been sorely lacking than with the alpha males
of a nascent Islamic State? Of course,” Mr Lothiphant concluded. “Hopkins has no concept of empathy or compassion, which makes it easy to abandon her
children and devote herself to fomenting conflict or facilitating mass murder from within a Syrian caliphate.”
“Some people have speculated this could be related to the recent removal of a large part of her brain during surgery, but I don’t think it’s as simple as that.” Conkie concluded.
“I mean, even with half a brain you can see this self-proclaimed ‘conduit for truth’ has an awful, awful idiocy that underpins her every utterance. This is simple opportunism,
intended to generate outrage and grab the headlines. She was full of shit before - why would Katie Hopkins be any different now?”
But as Home Defence was going to press the British public were up in arms that a terrorist embracer had ‘hidden in plain sight’ within the pages
of The Sun and Daily Mail for so many years. Having worked under the radar to further the extremist aims of Daesh and their precursors
al-Qaeda, while outwardly rabble-rousing UK citizens to burn Mosques, attack peaceful Muslims and dismiss desperate refugees as nothing
more than ‘cockroaches’, many of the country’s leading racists are now suffering an acute sense of betrayal. And stupidity.
Meanwhile that woman who now goes by the title “the Prophet Mohammed of the outspoken” has landed a four-figure deal to write a column for in-house ISIS magazine ‘The Jihadi
Dream’. Hopkins will also serve as official Islamic State ‘brand consultant’ and is expected to present regular live magazine shows on Al-Jazeera. Here she will interview leading
Middle Eastern proponents of the violent struggle and talk about her experiences with “pudgy, limp-wristed British men”. Hopkins has also signalled she intends to use her new
mouthpiece to insult Boris Johnson repeatedly, visit Saudi Arabia to see “how they get things so right” and deliver improvised monologues to camera imploring good-looking
extremists everywhere to “blow themselves up in my name”.