I suppose it can't have escaped your attention that it's nearly time for the World Cup. It might already have started. I'm hoping to block the whole thing out as much as possible actually, so if you don't mind I'll just keep the coverage brief and we can move on to something far less tiresome.
Shock! Child in team.
Jingoistic flag-waving bollocks. England knocked out in quarter finals. There, that was painless. What? Oh, don't look at me like that. Alright, alright. I was joking, okay. I'm close to bursting with World Cup Fever. Woo. Blitz spirit, Flag of St George, God save the Queen. So excited (read: desperate for copy) am I that I've devised an exciting strategy to build up some semblance of interest in this juvenile, inconsequential
At great personal expense (eight quid), I've signed up to the Mirror Fantasy World Cup game and I'm now wildly thrilled to announce the line up of the Official Home Defence Superteam. Older readers may spot the hilarious reference as I introduce "Panzerdivision's Pygmies"...
[Note to Al: Can I claim this back off expenses? We could win thirty grand. Clint.]
Editor's note: No, you're making a fortune scamming that bingo hall. Now get on with it.
Our goalkeeper: Don't cry for me, Argentina - it's R. Abbondanzieri!
Our dynamic defence: G. Bronckhorst (Netherlands), F. Coloccini (Argentina), U. De La Cruz (Ecuador) and E. Eboue (Ivory Coast).
Midfield magicians: Figueiredo (Angola), Gilberto (Angola) and A. Husin (Ukraine).
And our unstoppable strike force: F. Inzaghi (Italy), A. Jung-Hwan (S. Korea) and J. Koller (Czech Republic).
You'll have noticed I'm using a standard alphabetical formation. I'm surprised it's not a more popular method
amongst football managers - it makes the whole thing incredibly easy and it's pleasingly tidy. As we build
up to England's inevitable defeat, I'll be bringing you semi-regular updates on the progress of our boys,
unless I can't be bothered. Which is, y'know, entirely likely. I mean, it's a nice idea in theory but it would
mean actually doing some work, and to be honest, another two hundred and fifty words of this cobblers is
going to do me in. I've still got the bloody nuclear bit to do yet.
Our first fixture (you may want to mark this on your calendar - I haven't, but you might) will be held on the first day of the tournament, which I hardly need to remind you is Friday 9th June, when Ecuador will be battling it out against the mighty Poland (20.00 PM). I'm not entirely sure what U. De La Cruz has to do to score us points but once I find out I'll let you know. Doubtless it'll be a top-notch sporting extravaganza.
On Saturday 10th, E. Eboue will be representing our defensive prowess in some manner in the Argentina v Ivory Coast game (20.00 PM), then on Tuesday 13th, striker A. Jung-Hwan will...
...though Channel 4 are running a similar game, and it's free.
Wow. This is really quite football-y, isn't it? It could actually work. Can you beat Clint Panzerdivision's poorly selected squad? Have you got a worse system for choosing players? What are your 2006 cup predictions? Where do you stand on the MOND theory vs. dark matter debate? a satirical publication, no literal reference to "fun" is intended. We reserve the right to shorten, paraphrase, misquote, deride or delete all correspondence.)