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Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
The Home Defence Guide To Social Networking Speak

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Hello. If, like me, you’re far too old to be using one of those new-fangled kids’ 
‘social networking’ thingummies, but you’ve still set up a profile on My Space or 
Bebo or somesuch in the vain hope anyone will be vaguely interested in your band / favourite celebrity /
modelling career, you might encounter some problems deciphering the language. Unfortunately for anyone over
twenty-five, all messages, notes and bulletins on these sites are written by 58 million teenagers in a linguistic
style all but indecipherable to those brought up with actual words. In fact, these youngsters have a whole way of communicating that has evolved beyond passé stylistic tics such as ‘syllables’ or ‘punctuation’. They can now swap the most gossip in the shortest time, deciding amongst themselves which member of Son Of Dork is “most like, sooooo well fit” in a tiny number of keystrokes.

But fear not – help is at hand! With such confusion in mind, HDUK has compiled a guide to the
semantics, acronyms and general phraseology of these young ‘webbers’. So the next time you find yourself
trying to translate the inner feelings of an adolescent with backcombed hair and pants above his trousers, at
least you’ll have a sporting chance!

LOL – My dictionary defines ‘loll’ as; to sit, lie or stand in a relaxed way, or even “hang loosely”. The more 
modern variation follows on from this “hanging out” but online. So someone who writes “lol” is probably 
just “chilling” in their “hood” and not lolling on a sofa, sun-bed, or inflatable like an overweight tourist. 
Although they may still be stuffing crisps in their gob.

Do You Cyber? – Are you in possession of a prosthetic leg?

                                      Friend – An individual who will accept the ‘Friends Request’ someone sends them, then never
acknowledge their existence again. Alternatively, a dreadful band who want to believe you will one day
come to watch one of their gigs because you mistakenly accepted them into your online network. You
won’t, not even if they send updates on the hour, every hour. And some will.

GSOH – A good standard of hygiene. What every clean-living girl who puts herself up for perusal on the interweb wants from a prospective romantic partner. Before pursuing such a virtual woman, ensure you’re the type of man who bathes occasionally and not a tramp.

OMG – Over my grey-matter. An online phrase used to indicate the individual in question doesn’t understand, 
possibly because you’ve used a multi-syllable word or referred to matters they are unfamiliar with such as 
politics, books, or engagement with the real world. Rewrite your message expressing the same sentiments 
entirely in emoticons, then re-send.

OMFG – ‘Oi Mr. Fancy Guy!’ Generally used by teenage girls when they want an online male (or male 
impersonator) to pay them some attention, relieving their boredom in return for absolutely nothing at all. E.g. “Oi! Mr Fancy Guy! Come comment on my pictures and tell me how nice my new leopardskin leggings look on me. I am insecure and need validation from someone I’ve never met.”

                                      Group – A collective of people who have banded together online to explore some trivial aspect of early
21st century existence, usually petitioning for or against an element of contemporary life in a way that
proves to be entirely ineffectual. That is, unless said group is in favour of small-town suicide pacts,
whereupon results tend to be impressive and swift.

Gryr%*----v: - My cat’s been walking on the keyboard again.

JL – ‘John Leslie’. A male social networker who sends hundreds of messages to women with photos on their 
pages, whether these pictures are suggestive or not, detailing his bizarre sexual preferences and making said 
women suspicious of every guy who contacts them in the future. Also commonly referred to as ‘perverts’, 
‘onanists’, ‘Rohypnol jockeys’, or ‘why don’t you just go and join an adult web site’? See also: e-suitors.

H8R – Someone who is anti-globalisation and wishes to introduce alternatives to the ‘G8’ group of countries and, eventually, capitalism itself. This is so they won’t ever have to get a job.

IM – Derived from the word ‘him’, this indicates a male prostitute. If someone online asks you to send them an ‘IM’, it means they want a male streetwalker delivered to their doorstep immediately, if not sooner. As per the etiquette of the social networking site, you now have no choice but to comply with their demands. Make sure he's clean.

LMAO – ‘Like My Attributes Orwhat’? This is what someone who is into networking for dating purposes will type to ‘cut the small talk – let’s meet in person’, having become fed up with typing messages to someone who, ostensibly, seems to be interested in them, but is in fact just bored at work and passing the time randomly. Sometimes, if the individual really wants to hurry the process
along, they will say ‘LMFAO’. Yes, you’ve guessed it – ‘Like My Flipping Attributes Orwhat?’ Because of
this linguistic development, ‘or what’ is now generally seen to be one word at schools and universities
across the UK, and will be listed as such in the next edition of the Oxford English Dictionary. 

                                      NNTR – ‘No Need To Reply’. Nuff Said. Shut yer mouf bruv. End of. You get me?