After the boom comes the bust, and as the good times for our country fade into the middle distance, 2007 seems like a very long time ago. What a wonderful year that was, we shall not see its like again! Back then people would amuse each other by cooking too much food and throwing most of it away, going for a drive to burn petrol just for the hell of it, taking out a third mortgage simply because the banks said No more! Today you only need look out the window to see queues of the homeless and unemployed, former captains of industry dressed in rags, begging from passers-by, reality TV stars gathered at gruel kitchens or huddled round oil drum fires for warmth. Meanwhile the dead go unburied, plague victims rot in the streets and gangs of angry truckers threaten to storm parliament and lynch the government. The few decent people remaining no longer go outside, for fear of being knifed by a street gang who will steal what little money we've managed to gather during our days spent scavenging civilization’s rubble for aluminium and copper wire.
It’s a bleak picture, but this is contemporary Britain in the autumn of 2008. With millions at risk of starvation because of soaring egg prices (now close to 30 pence an egg, no wonder our jails are full of chicken stealers!) there is more need than ever for frugality, thriftiness, and generally being as tight as a gnat’s chuff. But after years of profligacy, when many of us would light cigars by setting fifty pound notes on fire and holding the burning paper to our mouths, such a cultural change isn’t going to happen
That’s why Home Defence has compiled the best money-saving tips from our in-house team of peasants,
many of whom have barely done an honest day’s work in their lives. Simply follow the guidelines below, and
pretty soon you’ll be debt-free, credit crunch-proofed, and rolling around in crisp, new pound notes - guaranteed!
Draw Up A Budget
Rather than going out in the evenings and weekends, socializing, wasting money on Pina Coladas and generally ‘having a life’, instead steal highlighters and graph paper from the office and spend your spare time planning what the future is going to cost, down to the very last penny. You'll find that eliminating spontaneity or pleasurable activity from life gets rid of many expensive distractions.
Downgrade To A Low-Maintenance Girlfriend This is a key method of downsizing for many males in times of recession. Those days when you were willing to subsidize your other half’s existence, supplementing her desire for ‘retail therapy’ and covering the cost of extortionate meals for the two of you, are now a thing of the past. These days every minute we have left before the coming apocalypse is valuable. In this new world no man has three hours a day to wait for his fiancée to put on make up, complain about having to walk in unsuitable shoes, or get upset at eating own-brand food. Thus, recession demands a life partner who won’t be afraid to muck in, go without designer handbags, and be happy to live in a tent when your house gets repossessed. Go and find one,
Shop At Lidls
The only place in the country where the average weekly food bill for a family of four comes to less than
five pounds. Plus, if you enter and win their recent competition to win £500 of in-store vouchers, you’ll be
set for life.
Give Away Your Children
Or possibly just rent then out for a bit. Even as babies, healthy offspring can earn their keep by appearing in nappy adverts on TV or in print. Childless women who need to fit in at mother and baby gatherings or attend special cinema showings will likewise pay handsomely for loan of your little cherubs. In this new climate of money-saving, adults are keener than ever to buy special ‘family tickets’ for travel or outdoor events. Many will be one kid short of the deal, and that’s where your little darling comes in.
If it was good enough for old wives in the eighteenth century why not today? Prescription drugs are expensive, and over the counter medicines even more costly. Instead procure stale bread for virtually nothing from a supermarket and cultivate your own mould cultures. Then, when one of your family gets sick, shove some of this furry fungi down their throat and Hey Presto! Instant cure.
Reuse Your Belongings Imaginatively
For instance, prophylactics shouldn’t be chucked out after a single application. That’s just wasteful. Give your used condom a quick rinse and the thing will be ready to go again. If your partner doesn’t appreciate the gesture you can guilt-trip them by demanding to know whether they're morally opposed to recycling. Likewise, that razor the man of the house uses to shave his face can be equally employed on the wife’s legs. There is simply no moral justification for owning two.
Learn From Those Who’ve Had It Rough
More experienced individuals have lived through tough times such as this and survived to tell the tale. They’re all
out there, waiting to share the knowledge. Some have much to teach those set up for a fall by the current
economic climate. Tramps in particular are an untapped stores of useful information. During their brief periods of
lucidity, hobos might be willing to exchange survival tips for a few pennies, revealing when certain shops throw
out spare food or sharing insights into the most cost effective ways of getting fucked up. If your tramp turns out
to be unhelpful or intimidating, follow him around for a couple of days in secret, recording his methods of
existence in your notebook or Dictaphone.
Stop Eating So Much
That way the food bill goes down and all your old clothes fit again. Then you won’t have to keep buying new ones, you fat fuck.
Experiment With Rationing Plucky Brits have got through food shortages before by tightening their belts and pulling together. To teach today’s youngsters about self-sufficiency, HDUK suggests telling offspring that supplies of various products will be strictly limited in future because of the war (doesn’t matter which war, there’s always a one on). When they ask, list the luxury items that are no longer affordable, pricey stuff like bananas, chocolate, turkey twizzlers and bread. If your children come home from school saying that the other kids don’t seem to be affected by ‘the war effort’, with most of them having more in their packed lunches than a single Ryvita, some dripping and a handful of berries gathered from the woods, clip them round the ear and home-school them instead.
This also provides the ideal opportunity of breaking the ice with attractive members of the opposite sex. Approach a likely looking nubile in the street and ask if you can bathe or shower together. You know, to save the environment. Fuel bills can be further reduced by ignoring the washing machine and going down to the river to beat your clothes against a rock. I would particularly recommend the Exe or Severn for this purpose. Maybe not the Thames.
Never Leave The House
Surveys show that up to 75% of weekly expenditure happens during trips outdoors (100% for the over 60s).
It follows that you can therefore save a fortune through the simply precaution of staying inside. Lock
yourself away until the food runs out or you go mad, whichever comes first.