with Archibald Scamp
Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
Is there really, in our modern age, any need to leave the house? The world outside is generally 
not a nice place. We can do so much from the safety of our own homes! If we so desire, we can 
have carefully selected titbits of the world delivered to us, be they information or actual goods, 
without ever needing to open the door or greet the delivery person. Everything we need can be brought in and
unwrapped, safe in the knowledge we aren’t straying too far from the toilet, just in case. The key to a successful
future lies indoors, or, more specifically, hiding behind them. Now here’s a lifestyle choice we can all climb on
board! Agoraphobics, the bed-ridden, terminally obese men in unwashed smocks, everyone!

In fact, perhaps we should go so far as to ban all physical human interaction? Could this be the answer to global unrest? Undoubtedly the world would be a better place if humans never actually met. Conflict would be impossible, that’s for sure. If you aren’t actually in the same place as another person you can’t get in a knife fight because some dude has disrespected your man, woman or dog. This is partly because you wouldn’t have a man or woman, no personal interaction being allowed with the opposite sex (which resolves the growing STD epidemic right there). You might still have a dog, but they have big teeth and, quite frankly, can look after themselves. Also, any creature that spends Sunday afternoon licking it’s own genitals while you’re trying to eat a roast lunch during ‘Songs Of Praise’ can’t be giving much thought to dignity. 

So, without human contact, we find all disagreements limited to the exchange of dark words in online chat-rooms. For example:

BEEFJOCKEY1982: Your girlfriend isn’t very attractive.

SPECIAL_LOVERMAN_HUMPY: And how would you know? You’ve never met her!

BEEFJOCKEY1982: Neither have you, I could be entirely correct.

SPECIAL_LOVERMAN_HUMPY: I find your statement both rude and upsetting. I also feel it entirely inappropriate to assess a
member of the human race purely on the grounds of their aesthetic qualities. Such an appraisal fails to take into account the
beauty of their soul. You are an unpleasant man. As we are no longer on civil terms, I suggest we end this communication

BEEFJOCKEY1982: I no longer wish to indulge in discourse with you either. Good day.


You get the idea. All the intensity and aggression of a common street brawl, but without the spillage of blood or police intervention. This intellectual cut and thrust, all this online passion and bitterness, is enough to satisfy that primal instinct to defend our territory without untoward consequences. The bloodlust is quenched, no one has lost face, and it’s a good result for all concerned. Every 
conflict can be reduced to this level as our race evolves beyond physical interaction, meaning there will be
no way for disagreements to escalate into anything worse. One country wouldn’t be able to invade another,
since conventional warfare requires more than one person going into battle. Also, with face-to-face
encounters banned, you wouldn’t actually be able to fight anyone, forced instead to negotiate over
telephones or the interweb. Essentially a battle field would consist of one rather bored and lonely guy,
hoping the batteries don’t run out on his MP3 player, wondering how long he was going to stay there and if
he’d miss dinner. Admittedly the homecoming parade would be slightly depressing, a whole country
watching one bloke drive himself down an empty street, and some may consider this demoralising for the
army. But instead they’d be able to celebrate a terrific survival rate among their troops. 100% success,
with no soldiers killed by the enemy, and only a few lost to friendly fire!

Consider further. The spread of disease would be minimised by this scheme. No more sneezing on a packed train without a tissue or handkerchief.  No more spittle launched through the air as a surprise cough comes from nowhere, making you hack like an emphysemic Glaswegian. No chavs dipping their soiled fingers into your sparkling mineral water while you’re taking a piss. Instead contagious illnesses could be cut off at the initial stage of development. You may argue that disease wouldn’t be the only thing cut off. The human race would also be at risk. If we didn’t meet, how could we breed? Well, it’s simple, and has been happening in the bovine world for generations. All you need is pornography, plastic cups, a decent courier system and a syringe. Should be fine, assuming the correct procedures are put in place. The facilitation of a program focussed on selective breeding, for instance. This would be particularly beneficial in certain areas of the United Kingdom such as Newcastle or Croydon. Imagine, never again would there be a Friday night when males failed to pull. They’d just be pulling into a cup.

Sadly this dream remains a long way off, my faraway utopia of individuals joined in cyber-space to create 
a society unrestrained by geography has not yet found favour with all. They say no man is an island, but 
seeing how an island is an inert land mass surrounded by water that’s not particularly surprising. I mean, a 
really fat person in the sea might come close to being an island, but I don’t think you could say they actually 
were one. Maybe if you built a lighthouse on them. But it’s more likely you would have to accept the fact 
you’d just buried a fatty under several tonnes of concrete. In our contemporary world this could get you 
arrested, which is quite an injustice if you ask me. So close all the doors. You don’t need to physically interact with the rest of humanity. Life is much safer inside, where it’s warm, welcoming and no one can soil your tea towel.
Not enticing is it?

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