When I wake up in the morning and potter about online, seeing what incredulous promises have been made by the United Kingdom’s
politicians as they hurtle toward a hung parliament and weeks of painful negotiations, I sometimes ask myself why Danny Dyer isn’t
In many, many ways, the fact that it hasn’t already happened freaks my nut out.
THE (DESPERATE) STATE OF THE NATION
The worst thing about politics in the United Kingdom is that it inevitably involves politicians who have been involved in politics.
These men (and occasionally women) seldom come across as good, hard-working types who will lead our country through troubled times. Listen to Prime Minister’s Questions and tell me
that whole House isn’t two glasses of expensive champagne away from an epic brawl, followed by a few hours working out how to claim for a floating duck house on expenses.
It’s sad that even the wildest and most absurd claims often have credence, since our politicians appear to be morally bankrupt. For example, the idea of Grant Shapps editing his own
Wikipedia page to make him seem like less of a dick should be absurd, but oddly it’s very plausible (even if it didn’t work out very well).
This election campaign has been dominated by claims and counter-claims. Each political party denounces the policies of the others. Labour say they can be trusted with finances;
Conservatives say Labour can’t be trusted with chocolate coins, never mind the real stuff. Liberals claim they have kept the Conservative Party in check; the Conservative Party claims
the Liberals have had no influence (a point of view sadly supported by reality). Conservatives say they can be trusted with the NHS; anyone who’s tried to get anything done in the NHS
over the last five years raises a confused eyebrow.
Beyond the moral turpitude and political bluster comes the sense that politicians are very far removed from the lives of normal people. That they can’t see, don’t care and have no
interest in the effect policies created in Westminster have upon those who haven’t inherited a house, trust-fund or over-developed sense of entitlement. More often than not, the
people who would lead our fair nation look like massive hypocrites.
The qualities most required in politicians (honesty, integrity, strength of character, not being a massive prick…) are often those that are most obviously lacking.
The more I think about it, the more I come to believe the clear and sensible response to this dire situation is to make Danny Dyer Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, immediately.
DANNY DYER: LEGEND, LEADER.
I know nothing of Mr Dyer’s political affiliations, and quite frankly I don’t care (a quick Google suggests he once met Ed Miliband). The fewer political connections, the better. Dyer
doesn’t seem to like Katie Hopkins, which is basically an endorsement of his qualities as a member of the human race (I’ve never met or had any contact with Katie Hopkins, but she
seems to spend a lot of time being really rude for absolutely no reason).
Danny would never get West Ham confused with Aston Villa, because he actually supports the football team (West Ham) rather than pretending to support Aston Villa then forgetting
and saying he supports West Ham because he’s plucked a team name out of the air at random. Maybe our actual Prime Minister was thinking about ham at the time. Or Westies.
IS DANNY REALLY THE MAN FOR THE JOB?
Anyone who Tweets they’re ‘gonna watch a bit of Question Time while munching on a crumpet that’s absolutely pissing with marmite…
sophistication’ clearly know how to deal with a bit of crumpet. Watching Question Time suggests the deep intellectual palate of a man who knows
the shit that’s going down in his own manor. Several Tweets later, when Danny claims he’d 'rather eat shit on toast than have a bath' we know
we’re in the presence of a man who would react honestly when David, Ed, Nick or Nigel asked to speak about policy details.
In addition, Mr Dyer has no time for the kind of people who like to make others feel bad because they haven’t got absurd and unnatural levels of
enthusiasm. Danny often expresses the idea that he ‘hates that early bird… you know the one that catches the worm… get back in ya nest
ya feathery little mug’.
Dyer’s an optimist too, giving the advice, ‘If you’ve had a shit year forget about it’. And for those who care about the animals of the world, his view on zoos
suggests a desire for a better life for all creatures, great and small: ‘How fucking depressed are the animals in a Zoo… Even the rabbits looked fucked’.
Danny would also lead the fight on consumerism aimed at young children, taking a stand against toys that are expensive and basically substandard,
exclaiming: ‘Roll on bonfire night…It’s going to get strapped to a great big massive fuck off rocket so it can join the other furbys in the sky…’.
THE DYER EFFECT
The entire political spectrum would be discomfuckingbobulated by his arrival and, of course, change is desperately needed right now. If the change is embodied by a man who
appears to be okay telling current politicians to fack off, all the better. No more MPs strolling around in suits; it would be leather jackets, jeans and shades. If our politicians
followed Danny’s lead, we’d have the facking hardest government in the whole facking world, which would inevitably help with facking negotiations. Aside from that, even as our
politicians want us to be afraid of everything so we basically do whatever they suggest, that surely wouldn’t happen with Danny. Instead he would lead the fight for a stronger,
better nation, driven by the simple ideal: ‘Embrace you insecurities and contradictions… don’t let them drown the fuck out of ya’.
Danny Dyer. Prime Minister. Too facking right.