The warm weather is here at last! Gone are the long, dark days, it's time for you
young people to head out from the nice warm fire into the beer garden and enjoy what
little Indian Summer we've been blessed with in this year of our Lord, 2004. So, with
that in mind, it's time to have a rethink. Instead batten down the hatches, draw the
curtains and pull the duvet up over your collective heads. It's just too dangerous out
there, both from a physical and psychological perspective.
Physically the sun is bad for you. We all know this, yet still the first vision of blue sky gets us oiled up on a grass verge like 21st century Aztecs. The sun's radiation comes down from outer space, goes through your clothes and turns your skin red, then brown. And it hurts. Some think it's great to have a tan, believing they look more like a movie star or the Hollyoaks cast, but the sun is actually giving you cancer. Or the A.I.D.S. Or, if you're really unlucky, both. Chances are that, if you're reading this rather than enjoying some "fresh air", you're already a physical wreck. Best not to add any more problems to the mix. Spend too long in the sunshine and you'll have even less control over your physical urges than usual, particularly if there are women nearby with only filmy pieces of cotton to cover their modesty. Many of us are only one beer away from crapping into a paper bag for the rest of our sorry days as it is, no need to push the envelope.
In mental terms the effects of summer are even worse, and may have you scurrying up a clock tower with a rifle before you can scream; "beautiful people everywhere. Die! Die! Die!" There's nothing worse than having the obvious deficiencies in your life highlighted by circumstances, circumstances which could've easily been avoided. Going outdoors this season doubtless involves running into some himbo with a washboard stomach and trophy girlfriend, magnifying the fact that you have several stomachs and no girlfriends or trophies to speak of. Furthermore, seeing these devastatingly pert young females, and indeed bikini-clad women in general, won't make you feel better - they're not going to sleep with you. They may look at you with a vague expression of distaste, but they're not going to sleep with you.
The Home Defence advice is to stay inside, fear the outside world, barricade yourself up and avoid those aforementioned trials to your self-esteem, self-image, self-confidence and groin. Pretty much everything you need can be acquired through the internet anyway. However, unless you benefit from some trust fund, obscure aristocratic heritage, or extremely weak-willed mother, you're not going to have an income to survive on. And without money there will come a point when you have to go outdoors. Of course, you can carry on going to work if you want, but it's best to avoid this. Offices, factories and bin routes are all known repositories of bad karma, plus you're only going to sweat and get all stinky in this weather. Do bear in mind also that only the stupidest employer is going to put up with you phoning in sick for months on end, particularly when they have to get professional cleaners in to deal with the coffee cup on your desk that's started answering the phone.
So, how are you going to get an income without leaving the indoors, when, as we've already established, you're far too unattractive to earn a living through prostitution or homemade pornography?
Gambling, that's the answer. Online gambling is great. You don't even have to see the money, it all happens through the magical wizardry of computers so you can piss cash straight up the wall without having to leave the house. This is a good thing, since you don't have to deal with people. Most people are scum, and the ones who attempt to engage you in conversation while clad in a greying vest and one sandal are particularly worth avoiding. For example, I recently "earned" five English pounds gambling on the 1st Division Play-off Final, which I promptly then lost gambling on the 2nd Division Play-off Final. So I made a negative profit. Some people might call this losing money, but they are twats. They're right of course, any idiot can see that, but they're twats for pointing it out.
Internet gambling wins out over placing bets in the real world because you don't have to deal with those
people who gamble a shitload more than you do, and think that makes them a better human being because
of it. I'm talking about those blokes who stand outside William Hill in the morning waiting for it to open, and
find humour in you risking the price of a pint on a random horse race somewhere in South America. To you
the price of a pint may be precious, but to your regular inhabitant of a bookies it's not worth the blink of an
eye. These people will continue to snigger whilst blowing the wife's housekeeping on the 4.30 from Newton
Abbot and, for some reason, get to feel superior when banging another nail into the coffin called their
marriage. Go figure that one out.
So, it's best to start small, and to stare slack-jawed at the computer screen while you're doing it. No point in getting carried away early in the game, otherwise you'll end up kissing goodbye to that money which pays for necessities like rent, fags and Take A Break magazine. If you start getting carried away you'll end up in a whole mess of trouble, and the next time you venture out onto the street, past the unwashed scumbags in Ladbrokes, it'll be depressingly like looking into a mirror.
No, begin modestly, ride your luck, keep placing the bets and always remember; you haven't got anything better to do. Either indulge in time-wasting activity which may earn you enough never to have to set eyes on another human being ever again, or get a life. The odds on the latter seem even longer than the first option, so believe us when we say it's best not to take the risk. With all the danger out there, and the crapola of life going in one arse and out the other, the best thing you can do is find yourself a decent online gambling company and start squandering cash. At the very least you'll be cutting down on the beer-related calories heading into your fat, bloated carcass. And, if somehow you manage to make money, this helps the flow of beer into your fat, bloated carcass. Either way, you're winning. Look at it like that.