Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
with Al Likilla
The Home Defence Guide To The Queen’s Diamond Jubilee!
May 2012
Next month the whole of Great Britain, that most magnificent country there is, will throng the streets; 
dancing about awkwardly and enjoying a drunken party to celebrate the archaic and mysterious forces of 
Royalty who have always oppressed the land (and continue to enjoy our tax donations with nary a twinge of 
conscience). Royal watchers, peasants and alcoholics will all take part in violent revelry over a four-day 
weekend, getting messed up to celebrate six decades of being ruled over by our Octogenarian Queen; the she-wolf possessor 
of intense charisma, secret magical powers and a racist husband.

Generously and sanctimoniously, the unwashed masses have an extra day off work, to think about 
how grateful we are at having a lovely lady ruling over us while most modern states reject notions of 
monarchy, wizards, elves, dragon-slaying and unicorns. Many events will keep us simple-minded 
plebs entertained. So whether you’re a little Englander looking to celebrate this once-in-a-lifetime occasion, or visiting British shores to witness
our quaint and faintly retarded ways first-hand, you’ll be needing the exclusive HDUK guide to all the horseguards, horseplay and horseshit that
takes place during the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee!

 are to legally separate before filing for divorce, admitting they “rushed into” last year’s wedding, and the whole event 
 was basically ill-thought out and should never have happened.


 tugged at least twice an hour.

 of Luton. Sellers should be aware there is a twenty pound pitch charge, cash only.

 only in creating an international incident and have to be flown back the following day, covered in a blanket and hiding from the media like 
 a murder suspect.

 bet on the gee-gees when no one’s looking.

 flowers on Peckham Ice Rink in memory of the latest victims of ice skating-related gang violence.

 it all fucking meant something.

 Tom Jones, Adele, Olly Murs, The Locust, Nicky Minaj, JLS and, at the special request of Prince Edward, dubstep pioneer Skrillex.

 protestors from the grounds of St Paul’s cathedral.

 Jubilee Tour 2012’ stencilled on the back in an exclusive Royal Family font (designed by Stella McCartney). This highly collectible item of clothing 
 is available at just £25 a pop, from her new website – findqueenie.com.

rather than ‘holiday’ or ‘doss’.

So much to look forward to there! Your time ruling over us has just flown by ma’am! Gawd bless yer Mrs. Queen, and here’s to the
next sixty years!

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