Atos: Good morning Mr Davros, welcome to your DWP Work Capability Assessment. Please take a seat while we review your paperwork, I’ ll be with you in a short while. Davros: Very well Doctaaaaaw, if you wish to play games.
Some time later in the DWP continuum………..
Atos: Apologies Mr Davros, have you been waiting long? Davros: An eternity for revenge…. Doctaaaaw. But then, you know this much. Atos: I’m not a Doctor and this isn’t a medical assessment. I’m a health care professional or HCP. Davros: You’re wearing a white coat, this is evidence of regeneration perhaps?
Atos: This is a functionality assessment. The final decision is made by a Department of Work and Pensions decision maker. This is not a medical assessment.
Davros: I have dealt with scientists before, their intellect is no match for mine.
Atos: How did you get here Mr Davros?
Davros: Come now Doctor, I came through the space time continuum as did you… TIME LORRRRRD.
Atos: Did you complete the forms yourself?
Davros: I have no time for such triviality. I am the supreme leader of the Dalek race.
Atos: How long have you had your disability?
Davros: I am not disabled, I function perfectly within my Dalek chariot. This device both supports me and acts as command
control for my Dalek children. Does that satisfy your ego, Doctaaaaw?
Atos: You have children Mr Davros?
Davros: Children? Yes, my Dalek children. Children, born of my flesh to o-bay only me.
Atos: Are you seeing a specialist?
Davros: There are no specialists in the universe with an intellect greater than mine Doc-taaaaaw.
Atos: Have you had medical tests? Do you take any medication?
Davros: What is the point of this Doc-taaaaw? Your questions are futile and insult my superior intellect. Atos: What medication or treatments are you undergoing? Davros: You insult my intelligence Doc-taaaaw. You truly are an inferior example of a long dead species; the Time Lo-rds of Ga-lif-ray. Atos: And please give us a brief history of how you came to be here.
Davros: Why? You are surely aware. I was born on Skaro and injured in the Thal wars. There I lost my left arm, eyes, taste buds and lower half of my body. But you know all this Doctaaaw, and yet you continue to play games.
Atos: There seems to be some confusion. Are you a Greek national?
Davros: I AM DAVROS, SUPREME LEADEEEEEER OF THE DAAAALEK RACE.
Atos: Let’s talk about employment. Where did you last work and what was your reason for leaving.
Davros: I survived the Thal war on Skaro by creating the life support system you see before you. Marvel - marvel at my supreme intelligence!
Atos: I see. Does that mean you’re in receipt of a war pension?
Davros: Your stupidity knows no boundaries Doc-taaaaw. The Dalek race was created in my image. But my brilliance,
determination and purest of willpower rebelled against me. They claimed I was not pure Daaalek. They tried to exterrrrrminate
me. I was only saved by Daaaalek Caan.
Atos: You have a carer?
Davros: Dalek Caan is incapable of care. Daleks are not weak with emotions. They have been programmed to suffer no pity.
Atos: Does this Mr Khan claim a carer’s allowance? Has he the right to live and work in the United Kingdom?
Davros: Dalek Caan went clinically insane after rescuing me from the Time Wars. His compassion was his downfall. Daleks should only hate. He was weak.
Atos: There seems to be some kind of misunderstanding. Are you making a claim for care allowance on Mr Khan’s behalf? If so, what evidence do you have to support the claim and his entitlement to work?
Davros: Doctawww, Doctawwww, Doc-taaaw. Your voice and appearance may be different, but your arrogance is unchanged
Atos: Do you have any medical documentation, a Doctor’s letter for example? Davros: WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS? YOU ARE NOT THE DOCTAAAAAW!? I NEED NO EVIDENCE! I AM DAVROS, SUPREME LEA-DER AND CRE-A-TOR OF THE DALEK RACE. O-BAY ME OR DI-EEEEE! Atos: Can you make tea by yourself?
Davros: WHAT IS TEEEEEEEE??? WHEN YOU BECOME A DAAALEK IN TURN, YOU WILL SUFFER FOR EVERY INDIGNITY YOU HAVE EVER CAUUUUUSED.
Atos: Can you bend down and pick up medium-sized objects?
Davros: YOU WILL WELCOME MY NEW EMPIRE. IT IS ONLY FITTING YOU SHOULD BEAR WITNESS TO THE RESURRECTION AND TRIUMPH OF DAVROS, LORD AND CREATOR OF THE DAAAAAALEK RAAAAACE.
Atos: Can you manage stairs without assistance?
Davros: DAAALEK SEC, ENGAGE THE REALITY BOOOOOOOMB.
Atos: Well Mr Davros, after careful consideration of your capability during this extensive assessment, based on the evidence you’ve offered
today, while following the strict criteria set down by the DWP, I’m afraid your claim for ESA has been unsuccessful at this time. You have
failed to score below the fifteen point maximum.
Davros: YOU HAVE NOT HEARRRRD THE LAST OF DAVROS, I WILL………… REEEE……………TUUURRRRRRRRN
Atos: You have the right to appeal to a decision-maker should you disagree with this assessment. However, while making an appeal you will
only be eligible for Jobseeker’s Allowance and must be available to work while attending the Job Centre on a daily basis. We will assess you as fit for work and you will no longer qualify for Employment Support Allowance. As stated, you can claim JSA but, with regard to your disability living allowance (DLA), this has been superseded by the new Personal Incapacity Payment (PIP) which you are no longer entitled to.
Davros: I have searched the vast expanses of the universe, through time and space, to find a race that rivals the cruelty of THE DA-AA-LEKS. Now, at last, I have found them. You have no pity, compassion or empathy. I admire your cruelty, DAAALEK ATOS!
Atos: Thank you for attending and good luck with your appeal should you make one. Details of the appeal process can be found on the .gov website. In the meantime, we would offer you every encouragement in finding sustainable employment by sanction and/or forcing you to attend our franchised welfare-to-work program, where you can expect to be parked for two years then treated like a criminal.
Davros: EX-TERRRRR-MIN-ATE! EX-TEEEEEER-MIN-ATE! EXTEEEER-MIN-ATE!!!
Atos: All the best Mr Davros, goodbye now.
Davros: TOGETHER WE CAN RULE THE UNIVERSE DALEK ATOS…. TOGETHER!
Davros: EX-TER-MIN-ATE, EX-TERRRR-MIN-ATE, EX-TEEEEEER-MIN-ATE! HUMANS ARE WEAK! EX-TEEEER-MIN-ATE ALL
Atos: Security, can you escort Mr Davros from the building?