New Scotland Yard, Central London, where today the Metropolitan Police, supported by forces from across the UK, have been besieged by the family and friends of the nation’s Conservative MPs. Their complaints follow the revelation that the force have taken a unilateral decision, to keep the entire Tory Party in holding cells until tomorrow, apparently just because they could. “If that doesn’t teach them a lesson then nothing will.” Detective Inspector Trilby Allotment told Home Defence when our interview request was granted. “Many of these men are leading public figures, and yet they’re suspected of numerous offences, from consorting with known criminals to drunk and disorderly and even taking bribes. Not to mention going out the wrong entrance on a bicycle, or all the expenses fiddling.” “There’s more than enough reasonable suspicion for us to keep these lads incarcerated until first light.” DI Allotment assured us, lapsing into mirth then composing himself again. “I’ll keep you posted as to how our, er, investigations go. Rest assured, this is all about fighting crime and protecting honest, upstanding citizens.” The Inspector then broke down and we left him doubled-over with laughter, dabbing at his face with a monogrammed handkerchief. Sources report that, earlier today, teams of beat officers lay in wait outside the Houses of
Parliament, hoping to capture every Tory Member with the minimum amount of fuss. This operation followed an earlier vote in the house
(right) around the question of whether the ruling coalition should copy all of UKIP’s policies on the European Union. This motion was
subsequently endorsed by every Conservative present, many of whom had taken the trouble to travel hundreds of miles from country
piles when they could have just stayed at home, overseeing the expansion of their moats.
As these jolly, rubicund men exited the building, accompanied by a token women and no blacks, they were immediately rounded up by
armed coppers and driven to their new home for the night, all complaining loudly and making spluttering noises. The action was soon
formally condemned by their wives and mistresses, the Mayor of London (Boris ‘Dangleberry’ Johnson), sympathetic Lords, and newspaper proprietors nationwide.
Soon more claims began to appear, alleging the mass imprisonment was nothing more than simple revenge; for government cuts to the police force, the public smearing of officers, and the scapegoating of the Met for perceived failings in the phone hacking investigation. All these elements have made life difficult for our ‘boys in blue’ of late, and meant that a good, old-fashioned British ‘bobby’ can no longer walk the streets without members of the public yelling ‘pleb’ at him. Broadsheet columnists have called the operation a “collective bout of madness”, but add its “only to be expected, given the current circumstances”, while others see these arrests as the natural fall-out from the behaviour of former Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell in the recent ‘plebgate’ atrocity (left). Melanie Phillips in the Mail has suggested calling in the army to free the Tories, something that was subsequently declined by the military themselves, as they also find it all extremely amusing.
“This is where we put Tory backbenchers – four to a cell.” An officer called Steve told HDUK during our tour of that police station where the
Conservatives are being held, a building that is expected to be sold off to Westminster property developers within the year. For now though, it
resounds with the cries of distressed MPs, all calling out for port and cigars or complaining about having to poo in full view of one another.
“Down here you’ll find senior members of the cabinet.” Officer Steve continued. “They’re learning a valuable lesson about what ordinary blokes are
capable of. Us working men who serve the country, day in and day out. It’s a difficult job we do. Hehehe.”
HDUK peered inside the dimly lit, windowless room, spotting Michael Gove in the middle of some lecture, talking about the dangers of too much
culture. Gove was being ignored by a glassy-eyed Jeremy Hunt who was attempting to ‘slop out’ nearby. “The lads at the station thought these Tories might listen when we marched against their policies, but apparently not. So when the Sarge said it was time to take more direct action, we jumped at the chance to show everyone what we think of the depletion in our manpower levels and the general lack of respect for our work.” Steve confirmed. “We’ve put the Prime Minister in there, on the bunk beneath Eric Pickles.” He continued, indicating the final cell in the row. “When Pickles lets one rip in the middle of the night, you don’t half know about it.”
The Conservative MPs are expected to get very little sleep tonight, instead spending the small hours yelling recriminations out into the corridor
between bouts of weeping. Psychologists predict they will leave tomorrow with a new perspective on the police force, and how the officers
should be treated. There is also the possibility of increased understanding, with the MPs realising that imprisonment isn’t really an ‘easy option’
after all. That is, unless the SAS change their minds and opt to bust the Tories out in the dead of night, like a crappy version of James Bond