To Parliament, where today a historic bill has passed the House of Lords thanks to the Conservatives with UKIP backing, while their coalition lapdogs, the LibDems, look the other way. In it, the government lists new and extreme measures for dealing with a problem that exists entirely in the minds of those who believe the right-wing rhetoric and less-than-tolerant sections of the popular press. “Thanks to our many successful anti-immigration campaigns, which have prevented gifted international students and millionaire Chinese from boosting the UK economy, much of the electorate now believes hordes of illegals wait out in the shadows, looking to prevent born and bred Brits
from riding public transport or claiming their rightful dole.”
So says the bill’s author, Tory MP for Dinsdale South, Enoch Trump (left). “Not only do my constituents think millions of immigrants are here already, but surveys show a high percentage of all voters are credulous enough to believe that half the population of Romania is on its way to England; having been seduced by our island paradise of pound shops, flood plains and endless, vomit-flecked chain pubs.” “Having put so much effort into colluding with the more rabid parts of the media to perpetuate this myth, the last thing we want to do is back down and admit we might have gone slightly over the top, not with elections approaching.” Mr Trump went on, supposedly ‘off the record’. “I’m under strict instructions from the PM not to let on we’ve been lying to the public about the extent of this problem, so its important there’s a series of rolling policy updates, during every Party Conference and at monthly intervals
“That’s what this bill is about; targeting made-up immigrants who are stealing jobs that don’t exist from exaggeratedly angry Brits because
they’re willing to accept less than minimum wage.” Enoch concluded. “It’s disgusting this situation exists, even if it’s only in our own heads, and
we’re going to fix it. But we’ve been careful to make sure these new measures aren’t intended to actually achieve anything. Rather they will
bolster our new reality.”
Indeed, this ‘new reality’ will be reinforced in the minds of UK citizens and is expected to impact on an estimated zero people across the British Isles. It follows the notable success of the Conservatives’ patented ‘racist van’ (#racistvan), a profoundly bigoted vehicle that captured the hearts of the EDL and disaffected Ukippers by offering a solution to an issue that wasn’t really there. The clampdowns on unidentified ‘bogus claimants’ and an unspecified number of ‘health tourists’ whose illness has a negative, moral dimension because of their ethnic background, are a counterblast to those who would come here with the aim of bringing about the downfall of the NHS by being foreign. These dirty sicknotes no doubt cost billions and billions, and they will obliterate the National Health Service by proving a more dangerous enemy for the venerable institution than underfunding, privatisation, pointless targets or the destruction of staff morale.
Phase Two of this plan sees a hundred thousand texts sent by Capita, telling individuals who’ve been here for decades to “go home” without specifying where “home” is supposed to be. This communication will be paid for using bottomless reserves of taxpayer cash, although the vast majority of recipients will actually be in the UK legally, or have lost their phones. Still, it's estimated a statistically insignificant 0.00001% may give some thought to leaving the life they’ve built after receiving a mildly threatening text message. A text, for fuck’s sake.
Meanwhile, anyone who can’t speak English very well will also see an increase in harassment, unless they’re ‘native’.
“We’re really going for the political refugees this time.” Enoch Trump confirmed in a follow up email. “This is the eighty-sixth
‘crackdown’ on those fleeing persecution and violence I’ve presided over since my party sort-of came to power. It makes me
“In fact, we’ve removed so many asylum seekers from the British Isles, this new bill will instead focus on those who’ve gone away to possible torture or repression and stop them coming back again. Although they’re most likely already dead.”
“However ineffective all this proves to be.” Trump’s missive concludes. “At least the headlines it makes will distract commentators from the plummet in living standards, rising costs, housing bubbles, global warming, and all the other things we could be doing something about but choose not to.” In the interests of balance, Home Defence tried to get a statement from one of those non-existent immigrants who will soon find their position undermined. Unfortunately, our every attempt to make contact was thwarted, most likely by Bulgarians in league with the NSA. So, for those seeking further background on this made-up issue, we recommend you refer to pages seven to fourteen of today’s Telegraph.