The British Army’s Household Cavalry division in Sandhurst, where disturbing reports reach Home Defence of erratic carnal behaviour from newly single second in line to the throne, Prince Cornet William Wales of the Blue and Royals Regiment. “It’s phenomenal,” said one high-ranking squaddie close to the Prince. “Wills attracts the kind of high-class poon lotharios like Mick Hucknall or Danny Dyer can only dream about. Since his break-up with Kate, our boy only has to walk round the barracks to get propositioned by some upper class filly offering fellatio or begging him for a Royal shower. That chap’s the talk of the mess, although some of the older officers are worried his casual tomcatting could be proof of a lingering unhappiness in the wake of his first serious relationship falling apart. I couldn’t find any evidence of that. The last time I saw the Prince he was yelling: “Spring is a time for fucking!” at the top of his voice before diving head-first into a Jacuzzi full of glamour models. Trust me, the lad’s going to be just fine.” One of our highest profile eligible bachelors, the six-foot three William Arthur Philip Louis Windsor has reportedly attracted the interest of a variety of the world’s most desirable women since his break up with Jigsaw shop assistant Kate Middleton. These include uber-slappers Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears, mockney half-pint Lily Allen, noisy Sri Lankan terrorist sympathiser M.I.A. and former host of Blind Date, Cilla Black, all of whom are on record as stating they’d like to “hump his royal brains out”.
Yet Wills is less interested in these minor celebrities than the kind of posh totty who grew up on gymkhanas
and fox hunting. While out on recent benders with dissolute brother Harry and his ridiculously named
squeeze Chelsy, Prince William has been observed pulling (and subsequently boffing) a veritable
cornucopia of Sloaneys, all called things like Miffy, Bimpkins or Simper.
Such pathological boning is a relatively recent development in William’s life, and has led some Royal
Watchers to speculate that the psychological fallout from his four-year relationship with Kate has had a
more profound effect on him than those close to the Prince are willing to admit. Middleton first met
Wills at university where they were both studying the history of art, a degree which covers achievements by those of an artistic bent in the past. Overwhelmed by the pressure of having to study like normal people, the cosseted William was ready to quit until Kate inspired him to carry on, lending her essays for the Prince to copy in his childlike scrawl. The two quickly became an item, shadowed for years by paparazzi speculating about a royal wedding every time the couple so much as linked arms in a public place. A period of bliss followed, but the differences in background between a girl with coal mining roots, and a bloke who’ll one day be King of England and rule over millions of serfs, soon began to tell. When invited to spend Christmas 2006 at Sandringham with the Queen and a bunch of ornery Corgis, Kate panicked at the thought of this festive break, worrying she might use an inappropriate phrase like ‘bog roll’ or fail to utilise the servants
as a Princess would. Middleton declined the opportunity, and from then on things went rapidly downhill for the two
lovebirds. Soon William was opting to get lashed and drunkenly wrestle the Privates of his regiment during evenings
and weekends, rather than visit his supposed paramour and discuss their future together.
Prince Charles, a shrewd parent and sometime cuckold, was first to spot things going wrong, forcing his eldest son to end the speculation and either get engaged to Kate or ditch her like some kind of broken fridge. Faced with the stark choice between settling for a single toned body and one set of breasts for the rest of his natural life, or sampling a limitless array of nubile hotties indefinitely, William took what seemed to be the only sensible decision and, in the words of the Daily Star, the 24 year old heir to the throne has been; “just ploughing everything in his path” ever since. “The trouble with Kate is that she’s too grounded, too sensible.” Royal Equerry Bennington Gilspume told HDUK. “Kate exists in the real world, and she’s got a will of her own, if you’ll pardon the pun. The girl even knows
how to buckle her own seatbelt! That’s not Wills. He wouldn’t fit in with the aspirational middle classes and
self-made millionaires of her life. He doesn’t understand what a mortgage is, and for God’s sake don’t ask
him to work an Aga! No, William needs variety and mystery in his love life, possibly with someone like his
mother – glamorous, fickle, no idea what the hell she’s doing from one day to the next. Last I heard the
Prince was working his way through the bevy of buxom blondes who frequent Bournemouth’s most
exclusive nightclubs. I think that’s healthy.”
Indeed, in an effort to cleanse his soul and get over the failed romance, directly after his break-up with Kate, the Prince took advantage of his grandparents’ absence in America waving at crowds of rednecks to arrange a three-day ‘consciousness-raising session’ inside Buckingham Palace. This cathartic weekend began with the arrival of fifty nubile girls, all recruited through various Royal fan-sites, who spent the next few days doing the Prince’s carnal bidding. Even after the orgy was ended by a shocked Prince Philip bursting in on a state room of naked, writhing bodies, Wills continued to spend all available ‘downtime’ from his army career in saunas with redheads, trolling official events for potential conquests, or entertaining the succulent likes of Isabella Calthorpe and Camila Medici in expensive hotels. “It’s no surprise the Prince is acting the way he is.” Continues Gilspume. “Too
much enforced commitment at an early age, combined with the suffocating deadness of the Daily Mail’s
brand of Victorian morality, will always make a young man want to cut loose and indulge in
consequence-free rutting with a starstruck horsey type. That said, I do have reservations about procuring
women from the dancefloor in ‘Bouji’s’ for him, and Wills keeps ringing the service bell in the middle of the
night to send me out for lubricant and Viagra. He needs to slow down a little if you ask me. As the Queen
Mother used to say, God rest her soul: ‘There’s plenty of fish in the sea, but only a fool tries to have sex
But while William continues his adventures through the outer reaches of carnality, what of his jilted ex, that girl who has kept such a dignified low profile during those months since the couple’s separation? After initially being rebuffed by Kate’s famously pushy mother Carole, Middleton senior eventually gave in and told HDUK that, since the split, her daughter had tragically lost all interest in bonking and was considering joining a nunnery.