To Woodford Green in Greater London, the constituency of recently resigned Secretary of State for Work
and Pensions Iain Duncan Smith, a man who has spent the past six years overhauling Britain’s welfare
system. IDS took on this Sisyphean task back in 2010 in order to ensure the poor received less money
than they needed for basic survival, and also so that hundreds of terminally ill people could subsequently
be declared ‘fit-for-work’.
But in the weeks since he effectively told the P.M. and Chancellor where to go, either because of a sudden Road-To-Damascus-style revelation where he realised the poor were human too, or in petulant reaction to being sidelined by the cabinet for his pro-Brexit views, we’ve heard little from the fist-pumping former face of British politics and the Tories’ ‘Harm the Poor’ initiative.
So Home Defence has come to Greater London, hoping to explore rumours that Duncan Smith was skulking around a lock-up garage near Chingford. Here we talked to local
residents who were convinced the former head of the DWP had rented this space for his own nefarious ends.
“That’s the one over there, crammed full of used mobility scooters it is.” Local drain unblocker Rusty Yablans (right) told us, pointing to
a nearby structure with the shutters were down. “Great big trucks brought ‘em in at the end of last month, working day and night they
were. There was tarp over the buggers but I could tell what they was. Then that Duncan Smith bloke came out in hi-vis to supervise it
all. He barked at the workmen to ‘get these scooters inside and stack ‘em before anyone sees’. Treating everyone like dogshit he
was - I’d recognise that sneering face anywhere.”
Indeed, following Duncan Smith’s latest raid on society’s weakest through George Osborne’s ‘Take From The Impoverished, Give To The Hedge Fund Managers’ budget, fourteen
thousand mobility-impaired people across the UK were at risk of having their scooters taken away. The intention was to replace them with Uber discount coupons and short-term hire walking sticks. This process came
about following the removal of the ‘Motability Scheme’ allowance, a grant that once gave 650,000 physically impaired British citizens the funds to buy a specially-equipped
car, wheelchair or one of these mini-golf cart-style things that bears down on pedestrians when they least expect it in the middle of the
The logic of the Conservatives was that those who needed help to dress or go to the toilet were actually ‘trying it on’. Take away their
means of travel into the outside world and they would quickly be incentivized to ‘get better’, shaking off their muscular dystrophy or
cerebral palsy. Then we would see these supposed cripples up on their feet and zipping around like nobody’s business. Another positive
knock-on effect of this was to be the impaired accidentally proving themselves fit for zero-hours contracts at Sports Direct or working
eighteen-hour days, cockle-picking for gangmasters.
Unfortunately Osborne underestimated the public outcry that would result from further impoverishing the weakest in society to fund tax breaks for the rich, something the Chancellor
and his tax-challenged P.M. pal ‘Diddy’ David Cameron could never have predicted in a million years. So they bottled it. And yet several hundred mobility scooters were still
scheduled to disappear in Phase One of ‘Operation Keep the Sick Stationary’.
While this storm was brewing IDS tendered his resignation and subsequently appeared in a tearfully contrite interview on the Andrew Marr Show to tell the world that, just the day
before, he realised killing hundreds of people through policies he’d endorsed for six years was “utterly wrong”. Then Duncan Smith, his pockets full of onions, wept: “no one should
be exterminating the poor, not at the moment” and claimed his heart would always be with those who have suffered most from the evil ideology of Cameron and Osborne, his new
Yet commentators were quick to see through this change of heart, with the BBC’s Robert Peston claiming Duncan Smith saw the way the
wind was blowing and “got out while the getting was good”. Others linked the resignation with divisions in government over the forthcoming
vote on Britain’s sovereignty. Yes, IDS is very much against our country being in the European Union, for reasons he has never been able
to properly articulate. Colleagues say he was increasingly annoyed at the In campaign’s’ ‘Project Fear’ for having all the good arguments.
Soon government colleagues were mocking his stance while keeping the former Scots Guards Lieutenant out of important meetings and
failing to copy him in on memos about the leaking of dodgy ‘enemies of the Labour leadership’ lists and Snapchat discussions about
Indeed, Andrew Marr recently told GMTV he believed the resignation of that man with the bell-end head was a tactical one, with IDS giving Cameron a bloody nose in advance of the referendum. After that BREXIT he deems inevitable, Iain Duncan Smith expects to regain his front-bench position and see everyone’s favourite billion-pound IT project (Universal Credit) through to the bitter end. This will take place as the P.M.’s position becomes untenable and bumbling anti-EU idiot Boris Johnson steps in to run the country. Now there’s a thought.
But this course of action is a massive gamble and would involve a Machiavellian level of plotting that is beyond the scope of his limited intellect, at least according to
those who have worked with IDS. Now the revelation comes that Duncan Smith is securing his future in other ways, selling on secondhand mobility scooters out of a
garage in his constituency, which is clearly a more lucrative ‘Plan B’ career for the chiselling shyster.
“I saw his customers last night, all queued up round the block they was,” Rusty Yablans told us when HDUK returned to
Chingford the following day. “Right bunch of tarted up nobs, all worth a pretty penny. They was buying mobility scooters
off that IDS bloke for cash in hand and getting their chauffeurs to load ‘em on the back of fancy removal vans or just drivin’ ‘em
off down the street. It’s a disgrace - them rich buyers weren’t crippled, they was just lazy.”
Indeed, several used mobility scooters have since turned up on eBay, posted by a seller who calls himself ‘The Quiet Man’. One was described as having ‘a single careful
owner who now relies on Ocado'; a means of transport billed as ‘the easiest way of getting around your vast acreage’ or ‘a great way to travel from the gazebo to your
servants’ quarters without using your legs’.
It seems that IDS has been utilising contacts in the DWP to somehow gain access to these confiscated vehicles, then deriving an
income through remodelling or ‘upscaling’. Workmen have been directed to install iPad holders or Espresso machines in these
modified scooters before selling them on to a few affluent chums. HDUK suspects this scheme is intended to cover a shortfall in
Duncan Smith’s income, now he only has an MP’s salary to rely on. IDS is sadly unable to turn to his minted wife for increased
cash-flow or loans as Mrs Smith, the daughter of a Baron, is against free rides or handouts for anyone and wishes to encourage her
husband to stand on his own two feet.
Thankfully for Duncan Smith, between his income as a Member of Parliament, one-off fees for after-dinner speeches to retired military men and this latest sideline, he can
avoid the need to claim welfare. This means IDS will never be expected to spend thirty-plus hours each week in a benefits office, filling out applications for jobs he isn’t
qualified to do and jumping whatever administrative hurdles the DWP puts in his way for fear his meagre state allowance will be cut off. And I think all of us are truly
relieved for him.