Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
SPECIAL REPORTS
with Al Likilla
ALL SPECIAL REPORTS:
Government Crackdown on L-Plate Abuse Wipes Out Scooter Deaths, Takeaway Deliveries, at a Stroke
15/09/11
The roads and high streets of England where, following a government decision to close the loophole allowing scooter drivers to ride around
indefinitely as long as they display a ‘Learner Driver’ plate on the front and rear of their vehicles, accident statistics have plummeted.
Unfortunately, so too have sales for the nation’s takeaway owners, and their ability to get delicious, hot food out of busy kitchens and into the
country’s dining rooms.

“This change in legislation, while possibly useful in preventing unskilled drivers coming off their bikes and suffering life-threatening injuries, has
had a horrendous impact on our livelihoods already.” Nacho Groomzilla (right), spokesman for the PICK (Pizza, Indian, Chinese, Kebabish)
Home Delivery Network opined to HDUK. “Since the tightening of these rules we estimate only 1% of our affiliated members are able to deposit
enormous bags of food at the houses of families too fat to unwedge themselves from the sofa, get up and actually cook something.”

“And that tiny minority only got dinner because they were lucky enough to be within walking distance of our delivery urchins.” Mr. Groomzilla
continued. “It has become illegal for our fleets of drivers, boys and girls who used to display L-plates for perhaps twenty or thirty years, to
zoom around like idiots without taking a bunch of tests. Now we see the consequences of this in wider society. The cost to our industry, as
well as the increase in blood pressure for the obese and housebound due to their irritation and hunger, could be enormous. As are many of our
customers.”

For millennia all a delivery boy had to do to drive maniacally around the streets and hurtle up driveways, endangering themselves and
countless others, was a CBT (Compulsary Basic Training) test. This would check the rider could steer, brake, not fall off too many
times and nod when an examiner told them something. Completion of the CBT test (left) enabled a rider to legally display their L
Plates for two years, after which most would simply take the test again. This was repeated until retirement or some kind of horrible
accident befell them, meaning 99% of delivery boys never underwent the full on-road or theory tests that would have seen them
graduate from ‘learner’ status at last.

However, following adverse media reports in the wake of several multi-vehicle pile-ups, scooters zipping through traffic or overtaking on the
inside to get to their destination before the cheese congealed on a Quattro Formaggi, the coalition government has stepped in to put a stop
to this menace.

As ‘Diddy’ David Cameron told a press conference this morning: “For too long long-term learners have placed an unacceptable burden on the
emergency services and NHS, with medics having to scrape these riders off the asphalt or conduct emergency amputations on a shockingly
regular basis. It constitutes a menace to middle class motorists and law-abiding cyclists everywhere and needs to be addressed. Which is
why my government will make sure anyone who wants to be a delivery boy has to pass a series of physical and reactionary challenges
before they are allowed out on the roads.”

“Every single home delivery professional should also complete a written examination and thousand word essay in grammatically perfect English covering how they will contribute to this great country of ours.” ‘Diddy’ continued. “As well as an explanation why it’s been a lifelong dream to deliver free prawn crackers on orders over twenty
pounds across council estates the length and breadth of this pleasant land. That ought to sort the wheat from the chaff. Now
where’s Nick Clegg? I need my eyelashes buffed….”

On the upside, Cameron’s new rules have seen an immediate drop in casualties as well as the disbanding of the country’s
most feared scooter gang; The Laugh In The Face of Death Club (left). This secret society has stopped terrorising residential
areas and unwary pedestrians now that scooter use has effectively been outlawed. Nowadays they reportedly get their kicks
through extreme sports, fight clubs and pillage instead. Yet with a less than 1% uptake on these new examinations since the
laws changed, many believe the Prime Minister will have to undertake the latest in a series of backpedalling u-turns sooner
rather than later.

“I don’t think he’s thought it through.” An anonymous member of the Chipping Norton set close to Cameron revealed. “Dave’s bound to bring
the no-time-limit L-plate rule back in as soon as he can pass it through parliament unnoticed. Probably when other things are flaring up and
distracting the electorate, like another breakdown in civil order or the stock market going belly up. Quite apart from the cost to small
businesses and the potential loss of what he calls ‘the flabby vote’, I hear Dave got annoyed last night when the local sushi place couldn’t
send anyone to No.10 with his regular order of an Omega 3 Box and two deluxe Sashimi Platters.”

Two delivery 'boys' forced off the road.