To the Office of National Statistics in Newport, Wales, where Home Defence has come to get the
inside track on coalition policies that have targeted the weakest elements of society (while also punishing them for their victim status) in
the run-up to the General Election. Because as everyone can see, such tactics are having the desired effect of getting increased numbers
off benefits, out of medical care, and into an early grave.
“As this graph shows, the number of successful suicides among lower class British men has absolutely shot up over the past few years.” Statistician Spavin
Jibby-Bear explained, pointing at diagrams adorning the walls of his hi-tech headquarters. “This is great news for the Conservatives, because it means fewer bodies
to clutter up our stretched British infrastructure, and sort of makes up for the P.M. welcoming hundreds of thousands of arrivals every year from Europe, despite
assuring everyone he wouldn’t.”
“If you’ll follow me through here,” Mr Jibby-Bear (right) tempted us. “You’ll find our scientists engaged in modelling activity.
They’re trying to work out whether the current ‘war on obese people’ will make fatties go away, and how much lighter our
country would be as a result. You can see here,” Spavin indicated, “that banning them from food banks has no impact on the
morbidly obese. But when you stop their medical treatment, in order to save Hardworking Taxpayers a few quid on insulin
and stomach-stapling, that’s when the numbers start to come down.”
“If everyone began shunning these chubsters in the street, so that large numbers wouldn’t ever leave their houses, not even to sign on, their presence would be significantly
diminished. That’s why [Secretary of State for Work and Pensions] Iain Duncan Smith wants all weak-willed porkers indoors, out of sight and out of mind.”
Indeed, the 2015 Conservative Party Manifesto goes further, listing policies the party hopes will make the impoverished and misshapen think twice before asserting their supposed rights, or
even breeding in the first place. These include Child Benefit for the first two kiddies only (and even then, predicated on them being well-behaved) as well as Housing Benefit withdrawn from
under 21s because really, why should callow youngsters receive any state help? They’ve got strong backs. Maybe grasping adolescents should think twice about entering this world in the
first place if they haven’t got a trust fund or some kind of inherited wealth to fall back on. Besides, it’s hardly a stretch to work all night and pay your way while in full-time training. Pure
laziness, wanting sleep at that age. I blame the parents.
Meanwhile, cuts to mental health places which saved the government a few quid in the short-term, have had the useful side-effect of meaning patients
needing immediate treatment overspill, and are then shut away in prisons or cupboards instead. That’s until they get better of their own accord, or hang
themselves, either of which represents a significant saving to the UK’s welfare budget. Yet £12 billion in cuts will need to be found during the next
parliament because, as any Tory will tell you, in the midst of a booming era for the super-rich, austerity for plebeians is really the only option.
“I don’t think cull is a loaded word at all. If a government intends its citizens to die and we aren’t at war, then that’s what they’re doing, pure and simple - culling. Let’s call a spade
a spade. Or, in this case, a weapon for staving the head in of some feckless layabout.” So mused eugenics expert Sledge Loke, who met HDUK in the park. “What IDS and his
fellow Tories have done is actually very clever. They’ve got unemployment figures down to their lowest levels since records began, not by creating meaningful jobs with more than
zero hours employment per week, or nurturing stable careers from where people might actually derive gratification. No, with benefits
increasingly difficult to claim, the jobless are now sanctioned if they’re too broke to pay a bus fare, can’t do workfare because they’ve
caught flu, or make a slight error on their forms, become frustrated, and have a mental breakdown.”
“If the unemployed don’t claim dole money, the system doesn’t register them as out-of-work, so they won’t be added to the figures, and Cameron can claim his policies are
a success, then throw more tax breaks in the direction of millionaire pensioners. Meanwhile the dosser in question either jumps off a bridge or quietly starves to death. Either
way, the DWP wins.”
But while the reduction in numbers of the workshy or mentally ill has been a huge success, critics say that up to 70% of the penniless
are still unable to control their strange physical appetites, many swelling up into big old bloaters who take up stretches of pavement
that would be better utilised by working mothers with pushchairs on maternity leave. As a result, backbench Conservatives are calling
for a renewed focus on demonising the fat.
“We’re doing everything we can to reduce the burden on Hardworking Taxpayers by underprivileged men and women who claim they’re too immobile to get out of bed.” A
government spokesman told the press during the launch of the Tories new ‘This Cull Is Working A Treat – Don’t Let Labour Ruin It’ campaign on the top floor of the Gherkin.
“Food addicts are just as bad as smokers or drug abusers, so now we pledge to deny them specific treatment that might help, since it’s far too expensive. Hopefully we
can follow up by inculcating shame against their moral weakness.”
“We’re going to take away incapacity benefit too,” the spokesman went on, “because they’ll only spend that very generous £120 a week on sweets or lard. Next we shall arrange
regular inspections, to ensure the tubby bitches observe our prescribed crash diet, treadmill work and mandatory programme of squat thrusts.”
“David Cameron has Professor Dame Black [right] on point, to investigate how we might ‘slim down’ their numbers by 2020. I know she’s keen on
removing gastronomic pleasure from the equation and replacing it with the honest joy of repetitive work. Wouldn’t that just be a dream? All those
blubberguts making an honest living digging ditches or working a production line at the button factory, on their feet all day while consuming nothing
but a small bowl of gruel. The weight will just fly off. Or they’ll collapse and die of heart failure, which is just as good.”
“But don’t go thinking we relish all these deaths, of course not.” The spokesman concluded. “My ruling party simply wants the needy to have fulfilling lives. That means being thin. And