Once more our beleaguered country finds itself in the grip of an asylum crisis. This most emotive of issues takes up an increasing share of the nation's consciousness and our leaders' time in Whitehall. As the recent general election proved, the decision to allow a few hundred immigrants into our country can lead to a huge swing in voting, more British citizens swayed by whether asylum seekers gain residence than factors like the economy, public services and whether their sons have just died in Tikrit put together.
And with deposed Conservative leader Michael Howard adopting the innovative line of: "It's not prejudiced to persecute people because they're different: VOTE TORY!" Labour have been forced to change their system, lock up the borders and pretend to be against miscegenation at dinner parties hosted by superannuated Lords with several mistresses. To this end, think-tanks now advise Blair & Co. about the best ways to get tough on economic migrants and smelly pikeys in general. The first recommendation comes in the form of a series of tests, all determining whether wannabe immigrants have anything to offer the country, examinations containing such questions as: 'Are You a Qualified Doctor?'; 'Can You Help With Our Shortage of I.T. Specialists?' and: 'Okay, So You've Been Tortured For Your Beliefs, Left Your Family, And Face Certain Death On Your Return, But Why On Earth Should We Let You In With A C.V. Like That?'
These stringent checks, some taking up to five years as the vulnerable are held in detention centres indefinitely while staff try to prevent them sewing orifices shut, are proof the government is more than serious about keeping poor foreigners out of our green and pleasant land. But is it enough? Today it may be even harder to stay in England than during the Bosnian war, back when our country turned all but three hundred ethnic Albanians back to the Serbs' quaintly-named 'rape camps', but is this reality of rejection getting through to the electorate? We at Home Defence visited the shires to ask ordinary English folk what they thought of this situation. Here are the results "They come over here and take all our work," asserted Darren Smith (19), an unemployed labourer from Shropshire. "I'm down the job centre every week but they always say there ain't nothing and I know why." Darren's fellow drinkers at the pub in which we found him nodded sombrely, however a chat with said employment agency confirmed Darren had been offered the opportunity to join those 'job-stealing migrants', fruit picking twelve hours a day in blazing sunshine only broken by the occasional thunderstorm. Darren turned the offer down, opting to sit indoors and drink tea instead.
"They get all the benefits, English people end up paying for their luxury!" Observed Sandra Young (29), a single
mother of five living in a house provided free by the council. Sandra receives family allowance worth three
hundred pounds a week, while two of her kids' fathers are currently in prison at taxpayer expense. "I worry
about what kind of world I'm bringing my little ones into," continued Sandra, shaking her head and lighting a
cigarette from the smoking butt of the previous one. "You can't go into town without running into 'em. They even
let gyppo kids in the schools now. I wouldn't mind if they gave something back, but it's all take, take, take.
Bradley - get that out of your mouth this minute!" Much as Sandra's interpretation is incorrect, her ignorance
seems understandable. Welfare comes so easily to Miss Young, she cannot hope to understand how hurdles
of explanation and paperwork lead to less than 2% of recent arrivals applying for benefit.
"You can't walk the streets at night because of 'em!" asserted Charlie Thwaite (43), a construction site worker
and inveterate dog-gambler. "I don't let me daughters out any more, s'not safe after dark with all them Muslims and Arabs around. My lad's seen it happen." Charlie seems to be under the impression that males are unable to control 'primitive' sexual urges around his flabby, foul-mouthed, female offspring. "I hate the way we can't be proud of being British no more, but they're not slow to put up their flags and talk their own lingo. It's no wonder there's violence, the way they act better than us, thinking they're God's gift."
Unbeknownst to Charlie, that only son of which he's so proud has a history of attacking non-whites after the town night-club kicks out. He is also understood to have date-raped three drunken teenage girls over the past eighteen months.
"They come here because of the NHS, it's the finest in the world." Claimed Mrs Edna O'Brien (58), loudly. "Our hospital's full of them, it's no surprise us English have to wait years for operations." Sadly Mrs. O'Brien is contradicted by one glance at the wards in her local Lancashire hospital, a place where nurses who've learnt their craft overseas (at huge savings to our economy) stitch up the faces of drunken Caucasian males. Meanwhile middle-aged alcoholics and lifelong smokers, born and bred in the area, receive for expert treatment.
"My sister-in-law's been waiting to get fixed for ages," Edna continued, "and when I'm referred by my GP I don't know how long it's going to take 'til they fit me in. It's a scandal is what it is, and I know exactly who's to blame. They should send 'em somewhere they wouldn't be such a burden." A quick check of Mrs O'Brien's medical records confirms she's been on disability benefits for the past twenty-three years for a variety of obscure ailments, a period which has cost the state somewhere in the region of half a million pounds. Her sister is a hypochondriac.
So these are the facts, and it's clear most natives of this country are either too stupid to understand the actual situation or so bigoted they can't feel any sympathy for those fleeing police states and murderous regimes. In fact, since the asylum 'problem' is largely imagined, there's nothing any government can do to satisfy these men and women, folk who wouldn't want their offspring doing the kind of menial work immigrants are content to undertake to provide for absent families. Yet Brits seem unable to believe the authorities are ever harsh enough on those who enter the country; it wouldn't be good enough for us if everyone seeking asylum
was liquidated at Dover and sent back where they came from in a glass jar. The U.K. could turn away every foreigner who wasn't a
Russian billionaire or Cheeky Girl, and much of the population would still think this island was a soft touch. Which begs the question; if no measures are stringent enough for the English people and those hateful tabloids they absorb, why should any government bother? Certainly the current policy colludes with those our economy needs and shits on those it's no use for. Recently HDUK caught up with Salif Maheia, a Somalian refugee due to be deported back to Africa, whereupon he will face a Civil war in which both sides see him as the enemy and are self-confessedly keen to torture him to death. Since Salif is a poet by trade, he has no monetary value to the U.K., and was told as much when his final application for asylum failed. But against all the odds, Salif remains optimistic it won't come to deportation. As he told Home Defence yesterday: "I cannot go back there. My determination knows no bounds. If all else fails, I will kill myself."