Like most of our twitching, ragged-nailed, chain-smoking readership, I've been 
resigned to a swift death in the inevitable atomic firestorm since I was eight years 
old, and while the global political climate may have changed dramatically in the last 
two decades, my position on this has rarely been shaken.

Nevertheless, it remains a marginal possibility that nuclear armageddon may be 
postponed beyond our lifetimes, and this, for many, has opened up a whole new 
barrel of paranoid monkeys.  Cancer, heart disease, salmonella, human CJD, 
obesity: barely a day goes by in which the conventional media fails to remind us of the transient nature of 
human mortality.  Scary shit.  Furthermore, the plethora of Shocking New Facts with which we are ever more
frequently bombarded are often confusing, sensationalist and even contradictory.

To try to make sense of this information deluge, I consulted a variety of top boffins in the scientific fields of 
health and lifestyle, and collated their reports to produce the innovative and highly precise HOME DEFENCE 
DEATH RISK ASSESSMENT CALCULATOR.  Simply answer the following questions as truthfully and
accurately as you would if talking to a slightly disapproving elderly doctor, and check your answers below.
with Clint Panzerdivision
Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise

1. How much do you drink per week?  (1 pint of beer or cider = 2 units; 1 glass of wine = 1 unit; 1 measure of spirit = 1 unit; any measure of spirit poured at home = 3 units).

a) The occasional sweet sherry.
b) Just under whatever the recommended weekly intake is.  Probably.
c) Well, quite a lot this week, if I'm honest, but I had a few at the football on Wednesday, which I wouldn't usually do, and then there was the leaving party for that girl at the office, and I had to finish off the gin before the recycling van came round.  Normally a lot less.

2. How much do you smoke?

a) Smoking seriously harms you and others around you.
b) Five to ten... well, ten to twenty.  But I'm cutting down.  Starting next week.
c) Je suis Français.

3. And how many of those are... ahem... "Jazz cigarettes"?

a) What?  What on earth do you mean?  Are you implying I smoke the marijuana?  How dare you!
b) Less than I used to dude, seriously.  I mean, shit, back in the day I was a total head.  Like, I was Cheech and Chong, you know?
c) I find that a couple of bowls before breakfast really sets me up for the day.

4. Anything else to declare?

a) I'd rather whine for half a day than take paracetamol for a headache.
b) Well, you know.  Occasionally.  Umm... E, shrooms, speed, poppers, tamazipan, bennies, and there was that time Steve got hold of some half decent coke.  But nothing heavy.
c) All matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration.  We are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves.

5. How often do you exercise?

a) I don't consider my gym membership to be a ridiculous waste of money, and shan't think twice about renewing it next January.
b) I walk to the pub.
c) I can't walk to the pub any more.

6. Which of the following words would best describe your diet?

a) Meagre.
b) Faddy.
c) Shocking.

7. Your normal working day is spent:

a) In an expansive, tastefully decorated executive suite, just down the hall from the on-site masseuse and two floors up from the squash courts.
b) In an open-plan office heated to the precise temperature for optimum bacteria growth, sitting on an uncomfortable chair next to the pasty-faced sweaty guy with the hacking cough, staring at a UV screen for twelve hours.
c) Squatting in an unventilated mineshaft, chiselling uranium out of rocks and dragging it to the 
surface in asbestos sacks.

8. How do you cope with stress?

a) I maintain a regular programme of yoga, meditation and sports.
b) I drink.
c) I take sporadic midnight trips to a high bridge and stare for hours into the alluring darkness below me.

9. Does your family have any history of:

a) Longevity;
b) Gang-related criminal activity;
c) Starvation?

10. Is your attitude to general health and fitness based on:

a) Common sense;
b) Sunday supplement magazine articles;
c) The life and times of Elvis Presley?

Astute readers may already have deduced the scoring pattern, but for the benefit of the rest of you, give yourself one point for all a) answers, two points for b) and three points for c).

Now add another point for each of the following statements that apply to you:

i) I am a single man.
ii) I am a married woman.
iii) I live near a mobile phone mast.
iv) I regularly indulge in unprotected, promiscuous sex.
v) I am a big fat roly-poly tub o' lard.
vi) I enjoy the delicious, clear taste of Dasani bottled water.
vii) Oi bain't be trustin' no damn sawbones.
viii) I believe the fact that my grandmother smoked until she died counts as genuine proof that cigarettes aren't dangerous, in defiance of incontrovertible medical evidence to the contrary.
ix) I drive like a complete arsehole.
x) The average life expectancy of my country's population is under forty.

You now have your HOME DEFENCE DEATH RISK ASSESSMENT TOTAL.  Some people may find the following information disturbing.  If you don't want to know your scientifically analysed risk of death, please look away now.


calculates your total score as between:

10 - 40 points.

Your risk of death is assessed at:


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