with Archibald Scamp

Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
Death. The shuffling off the mortal coil. The full stop on the sentence of life. The rubbish bit at the end.

Obviously when someone dies, there are many concerns. The organisation of a funeral, the executing of a will,
sorting through the deceased’s belongings, working out how to stop them coming back from the dead as a
supernatural creature such as a zombie, vampire or werewolf.  

The best way to dispose of the corpse to avoid such monstrous concerns? Cremation will dramatically reduce
the possibility of returning from the grave to torment the living as the physical body is reduced to dust. Of
course, the possibility the deceased will return as a ghost remains. There is very little that can be done about
this until a haunting is actually in progress. A white spectral figure, however disconcerting it may be, holds
little threat. In fact, it will most probably be the invasion of privacy that’s the most galling aspect of this

Due to religious references made during an exorcism, an Atheist might struggle ideologically with this particular ritual. The temptation could be to find a psychological explanation for that image of a burning man floating through your house. Don’t bother. When some really spooky shit is going down and the Ghostbusters aren’t available, turning to religion is perfectly 
acceptable. You can backtrack later. Most experiences that cannot be explained through science might be 
understood via an accurate and honest assessment of your lifestyle, including the alcohol intake.  For example: 
“My head started spinning and I sprayed green vomit everywhere” can be put down to the eight pints 
of lager, seven Martinis and half-bottle of mint flavour mouthwash, all drunk because you couldn‘t get to the 
off-licence before closing time.Similarly, “I saw a burning bush” can be explained by your penchant for visiting 
cheap hookers.

Mummification should be avoided. That’s just asking for trouble.  

If the corpse became a corpse through an attack by a large animal which hasn’t been clearly
identified then lycanthropy could be a concern. In this instance shoot the corpse a few times with
silver bullets. This should deal with any resurrection incidents before confused American 
hitch-hikers can get themselves unpleasantly savaged.

If the corpse you are dealing with insisted on burial there are steps which need to be taken, minimising the possibility of a return from the dead. There are several things you should do to avoid the possibility of vampirism. Firstly you must sever the head. Failure to do this will be classed as a ‘school boy error’ and should be avoided at all costs. Imagine the embarrassment you would feel as your throat was torn out! You'd never live it down. Or live.  

To eradicate the vampire risk you should aim to drive a wooden stake through the heart of the corpse. It is 
vital that homophone errors are avoided here, particularly if you are ordering your stake over the telephone. 
Make sure you spell the word clearly. Trying to drive a steak through the heart would be messy and 
ineffective. Also, you could be supplying the potential undead monster with an appetiser before they come 
after your succulent flesh.  

If at all possible, destroy the brain. Although a severed head should be enough to stop someone from becoming a zombie, if you’ve gone this far and cut the head off there’s little reason to refrain from going further. Consider it an insurance policy against zombies, rather than a distasteful act of mutilation upon a family member or friend.

Of course, there are some corpses which need special attention. The corpse of Margaret Thatcher, for
example. In life: Powerful, formidable, indomitable. In death: Terrifying beyond all comprehension.
Obviously cremation wouldn’t work; The Iron Lady cannot be damaged by flame. 
You can destroy a Terminator by dropping it into molten metal, but try that with Mrs 
Thatcher and you’d just end up with a very hot potential member of the undead.  

No, with Margaret the best option must be to cut the body into chunks, seal these chunks in lead boxes, then 
hide said boxes at remote locations all over the world. While this will not stop a return from the dead, it will at 
least slow the process down..Hopefully for long enough you yourself can be cremated, long before the 
second age of milklessness commences.

Good Health After Popping Your Clogs
A Home Defence Post-Death Guide
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