In the wake of British television hit of the year ‘Cats or Dogs – Which Done Be Best?’, a show that
conclusively proved Chris Packham was superior to both because he’s aware of his own mortality and can
work a microphone, HDUK got to thinking. There seemed to us to be other areas of the culture where a
call needed to be made. We wondered which had a more negative effect on British society - the extremist
terror group Islamic Front (sometimes known as ‘Daesh’) or the game known as ‘rugby football’, a sport
that has blighted many otherwise civilized countries for centuries, with no sign of relenting.
It was a difficult call to make, one that involved much research, danger and heartache along the way to truly understand the adverse effect on nation states of these two strands of misery-spreading horror then compare them with accuracy. Obviously more people worldwide are aware of ISIS thanks to their well-oiled PR machine, one that tricks foolish journalists into reporting Islamic State’s every exclamation and deed. Conversely, rugby is often relegated to the sport pages, ‘specialist’ websites and a few grounds or ‘pens’ across blighted regions.
And yet, if we look more closely at the UK and other nations where ISIS have no recognised fanbase, we see that, while the terrorists remain unpleasantly vicious and unyielding, their ideology
doesn’t have a hold over vast swaths of the populace. Not like ‘rugger’, with its necessarily monosyllabic terminology of the ‘try’, the ‘ruck’ and the ‘kick’.
No, this isn’t simply about the specific, if limited, threat to life from ‘Jihadi Jasper’ and his mates in the Middle East. More problematic is that shallower but more widespread malaise, akin to
the daily irritation experienced by British citizens who suffer from hay fever or Josh Widdicombe. Rugby’s role in the 21st century seems to prove Noam Chomsky’s assertion that sports,
particularly the moronic ones, are simply an establishment-sanctioned way of distracting us from how we’re being fucked by the ruling powers, every single day of our lives. Which is to say,
there are actually many ways of comparing ISIS and rugby to find out which is worse. Here are just a few….
Isis haven’t yet managed to kill anyone inside the British Isles. I know, I know, it’s only a matter of time (even though our illustrious leaders did the right thing by bombing
Syria to make us safer) and yes, we should constantly be on guard against toddler jihadis unable to pronounce the word ‘cucumber’ or imported marsupials stuffed with
chemical warfare. Of course, some Brits have left this country for the Islamic state, but is that really any worse than embarking on a rugby tour of the Home Counties when
you compare the devastation wrought? It’s difficult to make simplistic value judgments here but let’s give it a go anyway. Some of the ISIS recruits have done a bit of the old
beheading themselves then been executed by allied drone strikes. These Brits knew the risks, and they tend to be the exception rather than the rule when it comes to
extremism. On the other hand, rugby players who, let’s be honest, are not really intellectually capable of comprehending risks to life and limb, have for decades been sent
out to play by immoral ‘managers’. Then their neck bones are shattered or heads broken through stampings, violence and blood capsule abuse. Just last year, one North
Wales pituitary retard was paralysed for life from the face down, simply because he insisted on doing what experts call ‘a tackle’ but the rest of us regard more as a
fifty-year burden on the NHS. There’s little doubt about this one.
Which Is Worse? Rugby!
Permeation of Message
Although ISIS is a relatively popular brand, particularly among the alienated young; males who are told by inherited religion that masturbation is dirty and aren’t permitted to talk to
girls, it's still a relatively new prospect. In spite of social media hold and advances in online grooming technology, the values of Islamic militants haven’t really taken hold, no matter
what Fox News say. ISIS simply don’t have the same ‘spheres of influence’ as the rugby communities of northern England, Wales and those ‘no go zones’ around our major public
schools. If you find yourself born into one of these cultures, chances are you’ll have little choice but to embrace the ideology – whether watching rugby, playing it or just wittering on
about the sport, as if your words had any kind of interest for evolved beings. Such indoctrination happens at an early age, with councils and social services apparently powerless to
stop it. Society forces children as young as four to watch a publically homoerotic spectacle that makes no sense for hours, destroying their ability to do anything useful. I suppose,
what I’m saying is that both ISIS and rugby can have horrendous effects on the quality of human life. And they both lurk outside our doors, waiting to corrupt the unwary.
Which Is Worse? Both of them.
During the Six Nations rugby tournament or whatever the fuck it’s supposed to be called, I can barely go into otherwise perfectly-good pubs for fear of finding a room of
men in rugby shirts wielding stubby erections while gawping slack-jawed at the screen and displaying all the articulation of lowing cattle. Then something happens in the
game they’re watching and these men wave their Daily Telegraphs at the screen while indulging in some middle-class mooing. I mean, how has our race been reduced
to this? If you're concerned with the long-term future of humanity, such a sight is a terrifying prospect. Probably not as terrifying as being at a concert, restaurant, airport
check-in desk or some other ‘hive of infidels’ when ISIS turn up with suicide belts and machine guns to kill everyone I’ll admit, but still. Alright, alright, let’s give you that
Which Is Worse? Ok, ISIS, yes.
Say what you like about Islamic State, at least they’re egalitarian. All a wannabe jihadi has to do to embrace their cause is accept some warped interpretation of the Qu’ran, get
smuggled across the Turkish border and take orders like “go and kill all those people” or “make sure sand doesn’t get in the lens when you’re making that martyrdom video
Bradley.” You could be a chinless nobleman or chimbley sweep, as long as you’re content to earn a shelf-stacker’s wage and lay down your life for a completely pointless
cause. If so, ISIS will welcome you with open arms (and probably assign you a wife to boot). By contrast, I recently had the misfortune to attend a live rugby match as part of
a ‘stag’ do. When the bloke trying to kick that weird oblong thing over the big ‘H’ was getting ‘in the zone’, everyone in the entire ground was impelled to be silent – even the
opposition fans. What’s that about? You aren’t allowed to cough or snigger for fear the massed paleskins will give you a dirty look. It’s not like he’s performing keyhole surgery
or disarming an IED for Christ’s sake. If a man being paid to kick a ball can be distracted from kicking that ball by a couple of drunks giggling up in the stadium’s fourth tier, I
think someone else should get their job. Someone better at concentrating.
Which Is Worse? Rugby, by a country fucking mile.
Think of the Children
Isis force the offspring of believers to start killing, maiming, raping and suiciding themselves from the age of ten upwards, something that is frowned upon, even in those parts
of the world that condone rugby. By comparison, British comprehensives take wimpy milquetoasts as young as eleven then force them onto makeshift rugby pitches where
even running away from whoever has the misshapen ball might not be enough to prevent a dozen hefty lads landing squarely on top of them. That’s not a sport; it’s a pile-on.
The dangers to life and limb are broadly similar between these cultures, but at least a swotty child soldier gets a gun to even up the odds. Meanwhile spindly offspring end up
in hospital because of compulsory rugby playing in schools and their concerned parents then start a campaign to save future generations from similar suffering and what do they
get? Only online abuse from enthusiasts, the sort of people who would be first to waddle off in the other direction if their fat arses were coaxed onto a sports field to shove their
heads up other mens’ bums under the cover of supposedly playing ‘prop forward’. I despair, really I do.
Which Is Worse? Both. There are no winners here.
Which brings me to Twitter and the like. While ISIS are relatively consistent about their aims, dare to question the deeply-held beliefs of rugby aficionados and they’ll quickly
go batshit. Naysayers are regularly subjected to the most incoherent death threats from fat-fingered ‘rugger’ extremists. It’s almost as if they’re horribly insecure about this
sport’s place in the world and will lash out wildly when questioned, demonstrating their innate fear. But that couldn’t be the case, surely?
Which Is Worse? Rugby. Again.
Letting Off Steam
At the end of a hard day murdering those who hold differing beliefs, ISIS tend to kick back in a relatively low-key manner. No alcohol or unpleasant close harmony singing
for these Daesh, they simply pray to Allah then attempt to forcibly impregnate the womenfolk. As anyone who has frequented a public house patronised by triumphant
rugby players will attest, this is very different from post-rugby socialisation when you’re essentially unable to hear yourself think. And however much sawdust the landlord
puts down, by evening’s end you will be engulfed by an ocean of sick after a ‘hooker’ is dared to drink a pint of his own urine by some jeering ‘scrum half’. Personally, I’ll
take my chances with the radical Islamists. I’m not saying ISIS have the right idea, but at least those inadequate weirdoes won’t pressure me to join in with a rendition of
‘She’ll Be Coming Round The Mountain’ employing specially-adapted lyrics that endorse bestiality.
Which Is Worse: Rugger, rugger, RUGGER!
Totting up the results, I see it’s a close-run thing, but we can now confirm that rugby, as a modern phenomenon, is worse than ISIS. With
that now official, I think it’s time to take this unassailable proof to the powers-that-be. A decent society should invest money in re-education,
intervention, aversion therapy and support for rugby fans, to wean them off this most disgraceful of past-times. Together we can eradicate
a system that has blighted our green and pleasant land for too long. Only then will future generations avoid the horrendous spectacle
of twenty-six men without a functioning brain cell between them repeatedly running into each other and class that as ‘entertainment’. Once
we've achieved this noble goal, perhaps Britain can once again be thought of as a global super-power, with the confidence to tackle problems
in the Middle East while bringing democracy (and possibly cricket) to this troubled region and deposing Islamic State, once and for all.