​                 Web Digest 2

After a lengthy break spent surfing 
the Net while on garden leave (having 
finally left my last job in the Dungeon 
of Despair), I've managed to assemble 
some rather splendid links for your 
time-wasting pleasure.

Since the first Web Digest column, 
an important turning point in the 
cultural  life of the nation has occurred 
- The Streets have reached number one in the charts. While Mike Wossisface is undeniably middle class and
hails from one of Birmingham's leafier suburbs (Bourneville inna da area) his success at bringing the Burberry
Masses to the forefront of the popular conscience has created a great deal of interest in the cultural
phenomenon of 'chavs'. 

If, like me, your life has been blighted by these baseball cap-wearing, baggy-jean sporting, whiter-than-white
trainered motherfuckers, you'll be delighted to see a healthy anti-chav community has sprung up on the web, championed by the Chav Scum website. With important pointers on how to spot a chav, as well as an entertaining 'Chav of the Month' gallery and ideas on what to call your Chav Child ("Courtney", "Chantelle", "Tyler", and the old favourite "Gary", are currently riding high in the Chav listings), this site is an invaluable guide to the world of the Pikey. 

While attending the Ashton Court Festival in Bristol at the end of July, Home Defence was introduced to Goldie Lookin' Chain, a group of eight Newport-based 'Chav-Hoppers' who have breathed hemp-flavoured life into the declining UK hip-hop scene. The band's website, You Knows It is a useful introduction to the band's music and mentality, particularly the GLC Patois page which
explains the legendary 'A-Team Van' drinking game, this involves participants standing in a
circle to pass around a bottle of Lambrini while singing "get on The A-Team van, get on The
A-Team van". There are also other GLC phrases such as 'Bernie Cliftons' (cigarettes), 'wank
spanner' (hand) and 'Top of the food chain' (a fast food diet).

There's also a site set up to plug the recent 'Guns Don't Kill People - Rappers Do' Top 3
single, and 'An Ounce Don't Come For Free' national tour at Hyperlaunch where you can test
your skinning up skills against GLC's finest.

Moving away from those people who hang around the shopping precinct, check out
                                                    Preparing For Emergencies which parodies the patronising government advice on what to
                                                    do in the event of full-on terrorist Armageddon. Unsurprisingly, the government aren't best
                                                    pleased their well thought-out nannying campaign has been lampooned, as good a gauge of a
                                                    site's success as any.

Next up is the frankly bizarre The Man Who Fell Asleep, a journey into the unsettled mind of a very odd bloke (English, thankfully), who assembles a vast array of amusing, interesting and downright off-kilter material. I particularly liked his 'Fantasy Albums' page, and a section on DIY birthday cards (above left).

Finally, why not have a look at Smalltime Dictator, where you can pretend to be 
either a dictator (narrowing your options slightly), or a character from a US/UK 
sit-com. After answering a series of questions from the viewpoint of your 
newly-adopted personality, the site will work out which stereotype fits you most 
closely. Doesn't seem to matter who you pretend to be, the site will always figure 
you out - incredible! The Smalltime website also has a number of other interesting 
nuggets to look at, such as an automatic link generator where you type in your own 
favourite link (HDUK perhaps?) and are rewarded with one left by the last person to 
visit, an excellent way to continue traversing the worldwide web at random. 

Right, I'm off down Argos to get some chunky sovs and a big fat chain. Laters.
with Bert Infiltration
Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise