Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
as told to Liam Marks
Film Reviews
With HD’s ace new critic BASHAR ASSAD*
This week, I’ve been lucky enough to view both a horror film and a comedy movie – “Hostel” 
and “We Bought a Zoo”. 

First, the comedy. “Hostel” was one of the funniest fucking movies you 
ever saw. The bit where the guy sticks a power drill in the guy’s thigh 
made me laugh so hard I vomited blood – not my own, luckily!!!!!! As for 
the bit with the girl and the blowtorch, I chuckled so much Asma thought I 
was having fucking crazy seizure again. Really great stuff guys!

Bashar’s verdict: funnier than genocide

Now to the horror movie. Sorry but “We Bought a Zoo” made me feel fucking ill to the stomach inside. What 
kind of sicko dreams up a scenario like this? Bears, tigers, small kids, all living in some sort of fucking weird 
camp in the middle of fucking nowhere. No police, no guns, no Shabbiha Militia running amok with 
swords – what is this, guys? 

I mean seriously!

Bashar’s verdict: about as much use as a Turkish fighter pilot

Legal Advice

Ask Bashar your legal problems and get the answer from an expert!
Dear Bashar,
Recently our neighbours planted some fast-growing leylandii on their property. Now the hedge has cast a shadow over part of our garden. Are we within our rights to ask them to cut the hedge back, or better still, do it ourselves?
Colin Jennings

Bashar replies:
Hi Colin,
This is an awkward situation. You’d be amazed how many letters I receive on the subject of hedges and leylandii in particular! Here’s my solution, Rather than cutting down the hedge, simply send some of your friends round to see this asshole. You’d be surprised how many people come to their senses when someone’s hacking at their fucking necks with a sabre!

Dear Bashar,
I was recently involved in a minor shunt in my Vauxhall Corsa in which the person in front of me received whiplash injuries. Although they didn’t seem badly injured at the time, they are now suing me for damages and have suggested we resolve the matter out of court. What would you advise?
Peter Campbell

Bashar replies:
Dear Peter,
Hmm, this is tricky. In this age of a so-called compensation culture and ambulance-chasing lawyers, you have to be careful how you proceed. So here’s my advice. Accept the offer of an out of court meeting. Arrange to meet this guy (I say guy – maybe it’s a girl – I don’t wanna sound sexist!) at a disused quarry. When the guy turns up, you’re waiting with a few friends. Using cheese wire, tie his fucking – 
(Due to a lack of space Bashar’s advice column will be back next week).
Asma’s story of the week*
You know people are always asking me what Bashar’s like to live with. The way the papers go on you’d fink he was some sort of monster! But there ain’t nuffink further from the truth. Most nights we settle down with a takeaway curry, bottle of Chablis and a DVD like every other Middle Eastern despot couple. At the moment Bashar’s really into Mad Men. If you don’t believe me just have a look at his bodyguards! - A.B.
Exclusive Very Special Guest Commentator - Giles Coren!
This week, The Times’ hilarious columnist talks about poor people*
The pore is vermins. Why cant they get a propper job riting excelent colums for the times instead of sitting round in they’re cheap shellsoots eating pot noodle and scratching their dirty arse? If theyd gon to a nice pubic school like me theyd be clevver and noe how to spel and wouldn’t keep moaning about having no food for their stoopid kids who lets face it shouldn’t have been born anyway cos theyll only gro up stupid and obese. If they ate at the ivy once in a while insted of craming cheese-crust pizza from bejams into there gullets they’d be more brite and get a propper job in the media like me and my sister had to. 
And my dad.

(Apologies: due to a sub-editor’s strike this column has been published exactly as submitted).

*As told to Liam “Jellyfish” Marks
Giles Coren yesterday