They are the UK’s new neglected underclass, a group shunned by the popular and ignored by our mainstream media. These victims of a nationwide apocalypse of sexlessness could be your friends, relatives, neighbours, or even that man on the bus who might be quite dishy if he wasn’t wearing That’s the true tragedy of celibacy – it doesn’t just affect the repugnant and smelly. There are hundreds of reasons why a person might not be getting any, and none of these necessarily has anything to do with outward appearance or genital warts. Around this country millions of luckless men and women find themselves too poor to buy their potential fancy piece a pint of cider, and so insecure they respond to chat-up lines with nervous giggles and a dash to the toilet. Some experts trace celibacy back to childhood neuroses, while others believe a terminal lack of confidence and the tendency to hang around prettier friends are to blame, but all agree that the consequences of this monkishness and nunnery can hardly be measured. What scientists can tell us, sub-contracting the work out to consultants who will produce nice graphs and pie charts to illustrate their facts, is that the cost to our economy of celibacy is enormous. People who aren’t getting enough oats are less productive in their day jobs, more prone to depression and sick leave, increasingly likely to snap at supervisors out of sexual frustration, or even indulge in the kind of sassy ‘backchat’ that sows dissent in once-happy workplaces. While those who are forced to live in the shadow of long-term celibacy, without the possibility of even having their bottom accidentally stroked in a bar, are prone to random acts of violence, suicide attempts, and, in the case of Catholic priests, the repeated fondling of altar boys. Clearly this is no temporary problem. There has always been a section of the British population failing to get its end away, all missing out on the benefits of copulation with a consenting partner or animal. Regular bouts of recreational sex relax the body and mind, make humans more optimistic and bouncy, and burn those excess calories that would otherwise accumulate in the form of extra chins whilst sat at home eating biscuits in front of T4 and gradually turning into a pink whale. Or, in the case of artistic types like Morrissey, intercourse can simply inspire you to create better songs. Some say the process of ‘dating’ via helpful web sites or newspaper personals can be the answer, but unless these ads are nastily sordid or ‘specialist’ this approach is fraught with pitfalls. Use this system (which some have referred to as “a job interview with drinks”), and neither party can be sure if the other is after something casual or on the lookout for a long-term partner instead, that special someone with whom they will eventually share a bank account and someday spawn. In an attempt to clarify the situation you could ask them outright, but this can lead to a certain amount of awkwardness before dinner. Other celibates may attempt to find a shagpal by frequenting brightly lit ponce-bars in expensive jeans, but by the time they’ve
finally settled on someone, the music’s too loud to hear what they’re saying. And even if it wasn’t, everyone’s
too drunk to understand what’s going on. If you’re anything like me, in these circumstances you decide to go for
a chip kebab rather than try to decode some ridiculously subtle body language which might actually be directed
at the bloke slouching behind you.
No, what we English need is some kind of system whereby the thousands living in your post code who need a good seeing-to but are too busy, introverted, or just plain dumb to make it happen, can be quickly identified and serviced. These methods must be socially acceptable, and permitted by the powers-that-be, unlike visits to a brothel or exposing yourself to strangers. They should be both legal and leave participants in this ‘anti-celibate act’ (as we will come to know sex), on an equal footing. With this in mind, here are the Home Defence suggestions for establishing 2006 as the year we Make Celibacy History!
Wear A Ribbon
Charity organisations have previously suggested this visual code as a means of showing sympathy for impoverished kids or folks with the A.I.D.S. The MCH variation would mean unattached individuals who are looking to mate can be instantly identified by others in the same boat. We suggest a flesh-coloured ribbon for heterosexuals, pink for homos, and maybe black for Goths. On spotting someone passable who wears a similar ribbon in the street or supermarket, simply hand this prospective sex-friend a printed card reading: “Let’s go – your place or mine?” and hey presto! Sweet relief within the hour.
Although prophylactics are now slightly cheaper thanks to EU intervention, the British government doesn’t do enough to enable its citizenry to enjoy the anti-celibate act without fear of some horrible consequence - anything from vague notions
of regret to unwanted pregnancy. It would only take a fraction of the money currently paid by us all in child
support taxation to ply the sexless with free birth control pills or Trojan condoms. This would also have the
additional benefit of keeping the number of damn kids down in the first place.
Re-brand Friday As ‘Nookie Day’
Many feel a four-day working week could help combat the negative effects of our workaholic society, problems
like exhaustion, stress, and a lack of time for relaxing leisure pursuits. Under the Make Celibacy History system, the number one priority for your Friday would be a long, slow, high-quality screw with a willing partner. This would help to wash away the horror of your dreary job, and get the weekend off to a roaring start. Employers who currently force staff to put their noses to the grindstone for more than forty hours a week might like to think of this as the celibate’s alternative to paternity leave.
Particularly the current energy conundrum. Because if you keep the lights off during sex, then there’s no chance of being appalled by the physical aspects of some new screw-buddy that might put you off before you’ve even begun. Plus, if everyone’s at home banging away, they’re not out in gas-guzzling SUVs consuming more of the world’s almost exhausted resources. I can see the promotional campaign now: Be Green, Get Moist. Or something similarly poetic.
A Regular Promotion
Perhaps a monthly ‘Sleep With Someone Uglier Than You’ day; charitable acts which allow the munter to feel good about himself, if only temporarily. This gesture would allow you to earn a token which can then be exchanged for a bout of passion with someone more attractive on the next of these regular sexual fundays. Remember; if the Make Celibacy History campaign is about anything, it’s about reassuring everyone it’s not
only beautiful people who are entitled to rut.
Separating Religion From Your Body
This is where teachers come in. By helping overcome the shame and embarrassment that has traditionally been linked with holes and appendages, intercourse becomes a natural progression on reaching legal age. Of course, there will need to be some improvisation in tuition methods, and this may involve changes to traditional sex education techniques. Perhaps pornography, or recordings of Madonna’s on-stage rants about ‘fuck’, will turn out to be a vital teaching aid in the future. Whatever the methodology employed by our schools, this is a vital battleground which must be won if we are to ensure future generations overcome the misery of celibacy. Because for as long as kids grow up believing Mr. Wobbly Hides His Helmet is a game of procreation rather than a good way to end Saturday nights, our nation will remain collectively dissatisfied with generations of aging spinsters and unhappy bachelors forever waiting for that mythical ‘perfect partner’. It makes me sad to see girls refuse the offer of a rough shag round the back of the lido. A quick knee-trembler might have been thoroughly enjoyable. This is a national tragedy.
Get Celebrities Involved
Not that you’d be able to keep them away from a movement promising to generate so much publicity,
although it might be best to prevent dullards nobody fantasises about getting near MCH; idiots like Colleen
McLoughlin or Gareth Gates. But if you enlist the charismatic, naturally well-endowed famous, and make
them perform positions from the karma sutra live on television, then ordinary folk would see how to gain satisfaction from their personal lives. This already happens in Holland, and now it’s time for English-speaking celebrities like Michael Buerk or Lisa Kudrow, to set a shining example. Sex with no fall-out, emotional commitment, or need to be particularly polite afterwards. We already copy the appearances of our favourite stars, and aspire to their glamorous lifestyles. If, for instance, we witnessed Natasha Kaplinsky going at it doggy style with Duncan from Blue after the local news, then being congratulated by her husband on the performance, wouldn’t that be instrumental in curing a few of our collective hang-ups? It’d certainly make for more diverting viewing than Animal Hospital, that’s for sure.
These are just a few of the innovations we hope to embrace over the coming months as the MCH manifesto grows and our movement gets underway. At HDUK we're keen to receive more ideas for alleviating the daily pain of celibates out there, so if YOU have any ideas how Britain can Make Celibacy History, simply email us at the usual address. Together we CAN make a difference to people’s lives. Together we CAN come together like the Norsemen and serving wenches of Valhalla and make an enormous, collective damp patch. I truly believe