In a romantic landscape all but overshadowed by frequent media reports of
obsessive stalkers, predatory date rapists wielding memory-wiping drugs
and former public schoolboys who wear sunglasses on their head indoors at
night, your average girl looking for a lover who isn't mentally ill (or a woman)
could be forgiven for believing herself to be terminally out of luck. Of course there are some girls who specifically desire serial killers, but it's a bit of a gamble for a guy to take, and I for one can't imagine how you'd get your oats from a fresh-faced groupie wife while stuck in solitary confinement.
But all is not lost. Listen up chicks, there are still men out there who won't phone you eight times a night to weep in your ear or eat sushi with their fingers. We exist and we're good people, just slightly confused by it all. You see, TV might be full of youngsters coupling up for the camera, Minogues offering you their bottoms and weathergirls giving you the eye, but in real life that only happens to the famous, filthily rich, extravagantly buffed and Tory MPs. The rest of us can visit thousands of poncey bars, meet hundreds of women in innocuous circumstances, dance for days on a podium at Cream, and still only get a proper date once every decade.* Then when you eventually go on this date it's been so long you get incredibly worked up and everything goes a bit vaudeville. Meanwhile her eagle eyes spot one little nervous tic or misplaced profanity and she leaves to warn the authorities you're about to go postal, pausing only to check her make up before you get left with the cheque and an ornery SWAT team.
We've all been there.
In these multimedia days, when more and more blind dates are arranged through newspaper columns or the internet, too many men turn up unprepared, make a hash of the evening and swear off dating for another eighteen months. Well, I say, no more! The time has come to assist the naive and unsure through the rocky hills of male/female relations in the year of our Lord 2003, and with that in mind here are the Home Defence essential rules for impressing that new bit of skirt you've got your eye on.
*And by 'proper date' I mean evening out where both of you would acknowledge to a passing camera crew that there was the possibility for romance if coerced. Not when you take a female friend to a pub 'for a chat' and ply her with industrial amounts of vodka in the hope that she will 'put out', just this once. That's not a date, that's exploiting a mate when you should just pay for a whore and be done with it.
Stare At Her Body
Don't be afraid, she's trying to impress you as much as you're trying to impress her and the chances are she's had some kind of cosmetic surgery to enhance those natural assets. Girls don't add four inches to their bust if they want men to ignore the oozing cleavage. Plus the topic of her corrective operations can form an excellent icebreaker. For instance, if her lips are excessively full, inquire as to whether they're natural. If so, congratulate your date. If not, you can still be upbeat about the fact that the injections have taken better than in the silly face of Leslie Ash. Besides, if a man doesn't ogle her flesh his eyes risk alighting on the physique of nearby lovelies, at which point your date will start to believe you fancy these strangers more than her and inevitably throw a drink over you.
Run Everything You Intend To Say Through Your Head Several Times Before Saying It
Spontaneity is all very well, but you run the risk of accidentally forgetting who you're talking to and destroying the good impression you've spent so long building up. Get slightly too intense for a moment or reveal imperfect aspects of yourself and you'll be dropped faster than a star midfielder who admits to being a white supremicist. It doesn't take long to memorise a few simple lines or brief speeches which will cast you in the correct light and, being female, it's likely your date will do 90-95% of the talking anyway. Post-date, when your phone rings and it's her, you'll have time to practice a few different intonations to your "hello" greeting before answering it, although I would suggest doing this in private rather than, say, Goodison Park.
Ask Endless Questions But Reveal Nothing About Yourself
And I don't mean trivia. She's not going to know what the three types of lava are and isn't likely to be interested when you tell her the answer (vesicular, glassy and even-grained for the record). No, keep your volcano facts to yourself and ask about shit like 'What A-Levels did you do?', 'What was it like growing up in Basingstoke?' and 'Where do you dream of going on holiday?'. That sort of crap. Be sure to switch off when she goes into great detail for the replies and always respond to any questions she asks by turning it into another query for her to answer. Girls don't really want to know about you, they just want to know what you can add to their life. As long as you allude to owning a flash sports car (whether you do or not) she'll want to see you again.
I cannot stress this enough. In the old days courtship was more straightforward. You bought your new fancy piece some confectionery, she gave it up, everyone went home happy. Nowadays if you abseil into her studio flat proferring a box of Milk Tray she will most likely scream "ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FAT?" and punch you in the face. There are women in this country an average guy could lift with one hand who will proclaim themselves to be overweight every chance they get, and in this dangerous climate candy just isn't worth the risk. If you really want to buy her some food stick to items which are organic and innocuous, like a clove of garlic. Or some driftwood.
No Flowers Either
Similar to the above, everyone is allergic to something in today's polluted world, chances are you'd only set off a sneezing fit. The evening's a downer from the start if you're both covered in her snot. Besides, she'd probably much prefer some lipstick or a new thong. These are twenty first century girls remember, go a-courting with a bunch of posies and you'll only end up with the kind of fair maiden who won't have sex until after marriage and can't enjoy it even then. Plus children will throw rocks at you.
Go On Interminably About Who You Fancy On TV
A little light jealousy adds spice to the evening and encourages her to discuss three in a bed fantasies with that gay couple from Hollyoaks, thereby raising the temperature of the evening for all concerned. Gibbering about who you'd like to snog on the box works particularly well if everyone you nominate is a different type from your date. For instance, if she's darkly attractive, go on about all the blondes you think are great. If she's a heifer, deliberately choose the most emaciated game show hostesses as the ideal. She'll be all the more willing to let you rim her at the end of the evening if she thinks her personality has won the day over your peccadilloes.
NB. This rule only works when your tastes are relatively ordinary, if you lust after celebrity figures like Anne Robinson or The Queen then for Christ's sake don't mention it. Don't ever mention it.
Don't Touch Her
No physical contact is allowed I'm afraid. I don't care if she is giving you 'the eye', breathing sweet nothings in your ear or so drunk she can barely stand up, let alone fend you off. This could be the most important rule of all in 21st century dating; you never touch her until she's touched you first. Otherwise you're asking for trouble. The moment you fondle a girl without written consent it's tantamount to assault. What's to stop her from bringing a life-destroying legal action against you? Do you want to end up penniless and ruined? Well, do you? It's just not worth it. Keep your busy hands to yourself.
Compliments Are Definitely Out
Girls today have spent so long comparing their human and flawed bodies with the digitally-enhanced perfection of models and Bond Girls that when you tell them their breasts are particularly pert today or that section of skin looks fantastic, they simply don't understand what you're saying. Either that or your date won't believe it and be thrown into paroxysms of insecurity by you drawing attention to her shape. The best thing to do with a noughty girl is playfully insult her, thereby reinforcing her terrible self-image and allying yourself to that mindset which believes she is fundamentally undesirable. For example:
Man, "Your arse is much bigger than J-Lo's isn't it?" Woman, "Yes, sorry." Man, "That's alright, I'd like to do you anyway." You Can Never Carry Too Many Contraceptives Spermicides, morning after pills, dutch caps, femidoms, swarfega, regular condoms, coloured condoms, flavoured condoms, extra-strength condoms, rotating condoms. Fill your wallet and pockets with all of these before you leave for a date. One can't be too prepared, and if a dozen prophylactics happen to fall out of your pocket during the course of the evening, well, at least she instantly knows you're a responsible guy who's ready for any sexual eventuality. Please note, that's contraceptives, not sex toys. Keeping those in your hand luggage will create entirely the wrong kind of impression. Unless you're Graham Norton that is. The ladies love a homo.
Wherever Possible Use Noises Rather Than Words
Let's say the dating is going well, you've followed all the above guidelines and got your end away a few times. Now the tryst is threatening to turn into a relationship and you're starting to get to know each other properly for the first time. But, oh dear, during your initial attempts to get some poon-tang you claimed far more in common with her than was true. You aren't really into fluffy soft toys, owning a puppy sounds like too much responsibility and, actually, you believe people who go to Iceland for the weekend are ponces. Sadly your lover has an excellent memory and can recall everything you said in those first few encounters pretty much verbatim, so how to get out of it? Unfortunately you can't. You've dug yourself a hole my friend, but it need never have happened. If you'd just grunted non-committally when she talked about buying a bungalow in the Cotswolds or the both of you going vegan you could now say without fear of contradiction: "No, I didn't agree to that, I merely made an ambiguous noise. Please forget your idiotic ideas and cook me a steak." Sorted.
There you go then, follow these guidelines and you should have no problem pulsating confidence around honeys and getting your end away constantly. If it doesn't work for you then that's clearly a problem of application. The points above are tried and tested, Home Defence cannot be held responsible for any humiliation or injury sustained whilst adhering to these clinically-proven rules by incompetent males. So be careful out there and happy swaining!