At long last aliens have arrived on our planet, landing a rather phallic spaceship at tea-time last Tuesday to declare their peaceful intentions before a summit of wary world leaders. Having monitored Earth for some time, these beings from another solar system decided to act, taking it upon themselves to intervene and declare that Earth’s environment CAN be saved, presenting world leaders with a ‘spacemap’ for peace and prosperity in our times. The human race was proper chuffed about this, as it’s always nice to have someone come in and clear up the mess after you. Assisted by overseas aid and the U.N., the British government quickly arranged for unlimited funds to be provided for these twelve-foot tall, slender blue superbeings who call themselves Zurgians. Their first act was to set up a research laboratory outside Surbiton, a base from which they could find out everything about our world in order to fix it. A few days later the Zurgians approached some of the great human thinkers with a list of questions to be answered, queries like: Why is the human race so warlike? What causes prejudice? And who buys Richard Littlejohn’s book? Yet one aspect of humanity continued to flummox this race from the stars – our approach to courtship and the propagation of the species. Eight billion parsecs away, on the planet ZZxhcchxZZ where they reside, the Zurgians have no need for monogamy. Jealousy and adultery are unknown concepts and all Zurgian coupling is initiated by a benevolent sprite called Keith who hops psychically between minds, reminding the Zurgians to get it on with that waitress who keeps giving them the eye before the race dies out. To these beings, it was amazing humans ever managed to mate at all, what with much of their waking time spent working or watching reality TV. Yet they soon learned that the 21st century’s most effective method of finding a partner was via a virtual sphere known as ‘The Internet’, a place where unions occur over dating or social networking sites such as My Space, Match or Wantgreencard.com.
Fascinated by the customs of this virtual world after ‘logging on’ for the first time, the Zurgians sent a diplomatic request into cyberspace for an expert, someone who could help them through this parallel land, a man or woman knowledgeable enough in the realm of ‘e-suitors’ to assist these aliens in their quest for understanding. Eventually, after being rebuffed by several nervy webheads who thought they were MI5 plants, the Zurgians alighted on one Al Likilla, who was unable to think up a good enough excuse until it was too late.
Al subsequently found himself summoned before the aliens and asked to explain this modern phenomenon…
Alright mate? Nice antennae. Yeah, just Al. No need for formalities. Not sure I can pronounce that – I’ve only got one tongue. How about I just call you ‘guv’? Right then guv, you wanted examples of online mating rituals? Well, you’ve come to the right place. People are still forwarding me scores of insane messages sent by strangers across the interweb. Sometimes I think I’ve created a monster.
Let’s set the scene with this example which comes from a fellow based in Pakistan:
I am really interested in u for the longterm relationship, (What, like marriage?)
will u marry with me,(There it is! A proposal inside two sentences! Without so much as a ‘hello’ or
introductory compliment to butter her up. That’s a new e-suitors record!) I need mature girl just like u,
and I am living in karachi-Pakistan.
You are professional just like of me. we can understand easily eachother (Oh, I beg to differ.) for spend
the life in future.
This short message illustrates many of the conventions I deal with on a regular basis; the sudden proposition to a random person, combined with an eccentric approach to grammar, punctuation and the English language. I can assure you guv, these examples read exactly as they were received, with no editing on my part. You seem shocked; I don’t like seeing tentacles droop like that. Maybe I should recite an example sent here in London, this one’s from a 27 year old chap who, on his profile at least, is called ‘Mansoor’:
nice to see ur pic, u look so cute and innocent (Yes, almost like prey….) ur smile is like rainbow. (With teeth of many colours.) which give us a message that world is full of cute faces like ur,s (Not all of them disembodied.) U r song written by the hand of God, (I checked on this, it’s actually Razorlight.) would u like to do friendship with me, if u like (Oh dear, we can only speculate as to what ‘doing friendship’ i dont mind if u r so far, (No, in a way it’s reassuring for both of us.) its true , that can see the moon but cant touch, (Being earthbound and subject to a restraining order.) bye and take care , God bless u and ur family
No guv, you’re correct – Leo isn’t short for Mansoor. I’ve no idea what’s happened there. Do you really want me to go on? I can tell you’re no closer to comprehension, and I’ve started to feel guilty about destroying what faith you have in the innate goodness and sanity of the human race. Tell you what, let’s get a female perspective on matters. My next missive arrived in an associate’s inbox from a Russian girl named Svetlana:
Hello. My name is Svetlana. I so am glad to see you on this site. I cannot write much and consequently do not
write to me on a site better, and write on mine email? (That’s clear, thanks.) It will be convenient also we can
find out more each other. I work and consequently much if you is interested long by relations write to me on
email (Errr….) : [email protected] I very much would like, that we found out about each other more.
(Yes, let’s discover more. Starting with what you meant by that last sentence.) I very much would like to find
serious relations (You mean like Dour Carl, my stony-faced uncle?) and to me is necessary the man with
serious relations for the further residing. I very much hope, that in the world there is such darling the man with
which to me it would be very good. (What? No, really, WHAT?) If you are interested by serious relations I to
you I shall tell about myself a little. I live in St.-Petersburg. I very much like this city. I was born on June, 20th,
1979. To me of 27 years. My color of hair white. (White?) My eyes blue. My growth 173 cm. (I don’t want to know about the dimensions of your ‘growth’ young lady. Get it surgically removed, then we’ll talk.) If you are interested by me and serious relations (What is it about that phrase? What does it even mean?) I shall be glad to find out about you more. I shall wait for the only thing. (We’re certainly on tenterhooks over here.) And I very much would like, that I have found the half. (Half what? Half-pint? Half-cut? Half-legible?) Svetlana from in Russia.
That didn’t help either no? Well, I wouldn’t want you to give up on humanity without sampling a wide cross-section of these ‘e-suitors’, so what about this missive from an older gentleman named Bernard? He’s got a real turn of phrase (if not much of a command of the Caps Lock button). I’d just like to point out before we go on, nothing about the recipient’s profile would lead one to believe her afflicted with any kind of perspiration problem.
SWEATY,HOW ARE YOU DOING THERE....I KNOW YOU ARE DOING GREAT..SWEATY...(Either this is an unusual pet name, or Bernard feels the need to repeatedly describe his own physiological state.) I'M ON THE SITE AS I WAS SEARCHING I SAW
YOUR PRETTY FACE WHICH I CAN NOT IGNORE... (Apparently not, maybe you should try harder.) SWEATY I WILL LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU... (Well, she doesn’t like being called ‘Sweaty’, that’s the first thing to note.) I MEAN TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE.. (Such determination can be quite frightening can’t it?) I WILL LIKE TO TALK TO YOU IN MY MESSENGER...COS I WILL REALLY NEED YOU IN MY LIFE...IF YOU ARE NOT IN ANY RELATIONSHIP...I WILL LIKE TO TALK TO YOU IN MY MESSENGER...(Yes, we gathered. I feel sorry for your messenger, whoever he is.) [email protected](Bernard’s another of those fellows who can’t spell his own email address. Always creates an impression.) I WILL WAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU SO WE CAN TALK BETTER.. (I fear the only thing that’ll help you ‘talk better’ my friend, is some kind of brain operation.) AM WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU..... (And waiting, and waiting…)
I’m trying to work out why you felt the need to save our planet too, oh noble Zurgians. Perhaps if I were to cast my net further and recite some correspondence from the African sub-continent, you would remember. More specifically, the following came from ‘Shielu’, a man currently located in Nigeria. Although I suspect that, with the help of a gullible young woman, he’d quite like to get out.
How are you?hope fine,i am Shielu Fatai from west Africa and work as a model in fashion firm and i am 27 year of age,i was reading alone (Alone, curtains drawn, trousers round ankles…) these site when i saw your profile which draw my attraction (And stirred his tumescence.) and read your profile and i found out that i have to compose a letter to you which i have do and can fine some lovely and caring person inside you (Looking beyond those evil outer aspects...) and you face look so nice and tender that any man can ask for hand in marriage,(There it is! Marriage!)my dear ,please my dear (I reckon Shielu knows he’s losing her - he’s moved on to pleading) i want us to be best of friend that can form lovers,lover that can form family, family that can form one big nation ,(Are YOU willing to populate a country with this man?)This little greeting,I'm sending your way.Hoping that maybe,I'll brighten your day!With it comes happiness,Love and good cheer.Wishing you laughter,Throughout the whole year.(Do you think
Shielu works for the Nigerian branch of Hallmark?)Not a tear in your eye,But a smile on your face.One
that's so bright and can,light up the darkest placeLaughter ringing,So loud and so true.That no one
around you,Could ever be blue.Just remember these wishes,I'm sending your way.Just hoping that
maybe,You'll have a nice day!(Lapsing into rhyme, the last refuge of the scoundrel.)please do not fail
to respond back to me and you can add me on your yahoo or hotmail.com list as
Yes, do feel free to contact Shielu on one of those email addresses if you require futher information my Zurgian friends. Specifically, an explanation as to what the hell he thinks he’s doing, proposing marriage to a complete stranger.
Well, it seems I’ve one final shot at proving the human race should get another chance to thrive, so let’s end with Kate, a 34 year old from the Big Apple, Gotham, NYC! Er, yes. That’s America, yes.
I can be myself when I am with you. Your idea of romance is dim lights, soft music, and just the two of us. (Thanks for explaining my idea of romance, I had no idea.) Because you make me feel like I have never felt before. I can tell you anything, and you won't be shocked. (About my sick proclivities, the time I killed a man, how I lost my virginity to a goat. Absolutely anything.)Your undying faith is what keeps the flame of our love alive. (Really? We’re in love? And there was me thinking it was irritation I felt.) You and me together, we can make magic. (Like the internet’s very own Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee.) We're a perfect match. (You spout bull, I couldn’t care less.) Thinking of you fills me with a wonderful feeling. Your love gives me the feeling that the best is still ahead. You never give up on me, and that's what keeps me going. (A pathological delusion keeps you alive? I fear for you Kate, really.) You are simply irresistible. I love you because you bring the best out of me. I love your terrific sense of humor. Every time I look at you, my heart misses a beat. You're the one who holds the key to my heart. (Don’t throw it in the river!) You always say what I need to hear. (That would be nothing.) You have taught me the true meaning of love. (A one-way obsession with a terrified young web-user.) Love is, what you mean to me - and you mean everything. You are my theme for a dream. (No, for God’s sake, not more poetry.) I have had the time of my life and I owe it all to you. (I’m sure I’ve heard that somewhere before.) And, of course, I love your intelligence, 'cause you were smart enough to fall in love with me. (What?) my id is [email protected]
Yes, the more someone uses that word ‘love’ (particularly regarding the profiles of individuals who may or
may not exist), the more meaningful it gets, right? But it doesn’t stop there Zurgians. This ‘Kate’ person,
this individual who believes someone they’ve never communicated with before has fallen in love with them,
is actually male! A man called Kate! I give up.
That concludes today’s presentation. I hereby throw the human race on your endless compassion and forgiveness my alien chums. And, as you hustle me towards the exit, conversing amongst yourselves in shocked and appalled tones all the while, let it be known that I did all I could for my people. Yet they still let me down - they let everybody down! May ZZxhcchxZZ have mercy on us all!
Shortly after this meeting the representatives from ZZxhcchxZZ decided to end their intervention and abandon Earth to it’s inevitable fate, disappearing inside their light-speed phallus with a cry of: “You’re beyond hope!” They left the world with egg on its collective face, not to mention the problems of global warming, pollution, war, and ethnic cleansing, amongst others. For his role in their disappearance, Al Likilla is to be charged with high treason, as well as the dissemination of idiotic materials around the globe.