In court number two at the Old Bailey, in front of respected Judge, Lord Justice Numpteemuthafuka, Al Likilla brings a case against various individuals across the world who have been misusing ‘social web sites’ by propositioning innocent internet users in weird ways… Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, m’lud. May I say your wig is looking particularly vibrant today? Yes, of course, down to business. Today I shall prove the need for legal restrictions on single males across the globe. Those men who endeavour to woo unwitting females by responding to their profiles on sites such as My Space, SMS Online, or CarnalChum.com. I intend to show you - the wonderful and attractive men and women of the jury - that regardless of age, race, creed or nationality, when it comes to writing messages introducing themselves around our newly globalised virtual world, these guys are idiots. While you might consider this nothing more than a symbolic case, and have little hope it will lead to a shake up of those laws currently governing ‘the interweb’, if we can at least name and shame some of the worst offenders through the publication of this trial transcript on Home Defence, I believe we will have accomplished something worthwhile. To this end, and with the agreement of your Lordship, I shall now run through the evidence, which proves incontrovertibly that the following males should be punished for foolishness, harassment, idiocy, and general crimes against the English language.
Exhibit A comes courtesy of a 27 year-old gentleman who calls himself ‘amouche4’ on his profile and wrote the following missive, apropos of nothing, to a girl with no idea who he was.
hello sweety how are you i hope w u will be happy (Can a person truly be happy after reading a sentence that doesn’t make sense?)
i see that u have a very nice name and simple homepage. (This flattery leaves something to be desired, with its implication that the profile was designed by a technological retard.)
i will be very glad if u accept to be friends
so iam asking u now do u like to be
F.........Friends (He’s a master at generating suspense this one, I could really feel the…… tension there) 1000 kiss from maroco 4 u and 1000000 (Just keep adding those zeroes my friend, your chances of lovin’ increase accordingly) kiss from me 4 ur beautiful eyes my name is aziz 27 years old and i hope to be friends if i witing 4 u dont forget me (I’m sure no girl could forget this fellow and the impression he makes with his carefully thought-out ‘witing’) bye love aziz
Ladies and gentleman, I can assure you that the spelling, grammar and syntax of this evidence has not been tampered with in any way by those officers of the law who gathered the examples. I agree with you m’lud, the police have a very difficult job. Perhaps now you can see why I felt it vital to bring this legal action, in order to prevent such stupidity becoming any more prevalent across the fast-evolving minefield we know as the internet. Together I believe we can prevent innocent women becoming confused, creeped out, or thinking all men are cretins. And don’t go assuming the worst of these culprits live overseas either. The next example I have here comes from a gentleman known as ‘Cliff’ who hails from these very shores:
Am cliff douglas (DIVORCED), (Presumably part of the settlement involved Cliff announcing this at every available opportunity.) am glad to say hi to you,and i hope the dreams that introduce us will reflect to your door as i knock. (Rule No. 1 for potential E-Suitors: Don’t try to write a romantic message while you’re tripping.)
Am 41 years of age,I believe in dreams also with sharing,its nice 4 me to meet a dream mind who can be accomadative with caring,understandable somehow beeing funny. (Funny, yes. But not funny ha-ha…)
i really want to express my feelings about the inner touch of my mind its goes so emotionally,and it sound very sentimentally,when i view your picture,i need to ask myself is this my flavour? (Is this a human being or an ice cream you’re looking at
here Cliff?) so can we really drive out this dreams from negaive to positive?its great if you will honour this few lines
of my words. (I hope Cliff’s satisfied now his words have been properly ‘honoured’ and are online for everyone to
read.) sometimes i took a trip round the location which my carrier locate me to. (You have a ‘carrier’? I’m
frightened to ask.)
dont be afraid to love,because you have the memories forever.what appears at first sight extremely heavy,love (The kind of ‘heavy love’ that comes with a sweaty, fat man in a state of high arousal.) will make most light.
waiting for ur respond
That’s right your honour, bang your gavel like you mean it! Let’s quieten those reporters up in the public gallery and get some ‘ordah’ in here!
Sadly I understand the disquiet of those ladies and gentlemen. For millennia we’ve assumed the male of the species is innately superior to the female, and here I am, proving once and for all that we’re bloody well wrong. I see Garry Bushell is particularly agitated up there, tearing off his shirt and beginning to swing from the balcony. Can we get security to have him removed? That’s great. Our next exhibit comes courtesy of ‘Sylvester’, a 23 year-old Nigerian: Hello baby gril. (Presumably the recipient of this message reminded him of some George Foreman-style Hello lovly and petty baby.. (Baby, you’re so petty! The way you shout at me for leaving the toilet seat up – it swells my heart with desire!) It is my preasure of meeting an angel of good looking like u..... I saw ur pic how wonderful and attractive u are.. and without wasting my precious time ... (Don’t worry Sly, no chance of that.) i became very much intrested in ur relationship...(Yes, how long have you been with your current boyfriend?). i believe will can start 4rm (Now, I consider myself fairly au fait with txtspk, but how does typing ‘4rm’ instead of ‘from’ reduce the effort exactly? Or indeed, make sense?) here buy knowing our self better....Ihope to hear 4rm u as long as u red this mail in a good condition of heath. (On your laptop, in amongst some lush heather, perhaps while staring at a deer.)
Take very good care of ur self....
.... I Care.
You might very well ask how he can ‘care’ about someone who’s never even acknowledged his existence ladies and gentleman, someone whose profile he’s simply happened across on a random web site, then sent an overly familiar, yet barely coherent, message in their general direction. This is why you must return a guilty verdict, so we can help these ‘E-Suitors’ and provide them with the treatment, therapy, or possibly incarceration, they so desperately need.
Staying in Nigeria, the following exhibit was sent by a man whose profile lists him as ‘Michael’.
My name is Alexandra (Well, that’s consistent.)
I am a male and a native of West Africa Country called nigeria. ma momis (Your ‘momis’? Weren’t they in Doctor Who?) from canada . and ma dad is from nigeria,
I was born 3RDday of August 1980. I am a Footballer by profession and also run my personal business. (Well, we
all run our ‘personal business’ Alex. For instance, I pay my phone bill on time so I don’t get cut off, but I don’t feel
the need to boast about it.) I own a phone store here close to my home beign managed by my cousin. I am single
not marrried (Ah! So that’s what ‘single’ means!) and looking for a lady . I would like you to be my intimate friend .
i like your profile so much and i believe age makes no difference and as you know age is no barrier.i believe what is needed in a relationship is the ability to be submissive to each other . (But surely one of you needs to be dominant occasionally? Otherwise the hoovering never gets done.) I know your location, (That’s unnerving, unless by ‘know your location’ he means ‘sat at a computer somewhere in Europe, reading a vaguely threatening email’.) . this is my phone number you can contact me any time you want 2348052061118.2348024273644 just dial it this way (The recipient has never heard of this guy before and now she’s in possession of the world’s longest phone number...) ,the international dialing code is there aswell (You could get RSI just punching it all in couldn’t you?) .looking forward to hear from you as soon as possible. my email is
Oh, my learned colleague wishes to raise an objection does he? The counsel for the defence thinks I’m not interested in making the world a better place at all, and that I’m just doing this to mock the desperation of those who reside in the world’s poorer countries, thereby raising a cheap laugh? Well, perhaps I should draw his attention to the following message which comes from a 40 year old called Henry who resides in The Bronx, NYC. The U.S. being a country, as my learned colleague may know, currently bludgeoning the rest of the world with its unsubtle superpower ways.
how are u doing...well am really sorry for the ditraction this time arround am heny ken. (‘Heny Ken’? That’s the worst nickname I’ve ever heard. Apart from maybe ‘Shithead Jim’.) well it been so board with me rigth now. (Good of Henry / Ken to admit this at the start, keeps the ladies’ expectations nice and low. Anyone who can manage to be both ‘board’ and boring in New York is
undoubtedly a bit special.) .i was really horrible with something rigth now...well i have to cary on my life....i cant kill myself ...(Let’s not be too hasty there Ken.) so i really ned someone gorgious like ya to shars some words with.. (Surely no girl can fail to be enticed by such a heartfelt plaint. This guy is so much fun!) so pls can u pls make me smile......u look so good agin.... (A conversation with this guy would be great practice for joining the Samaritans.) am on line now u can hit me back now ok .....
That concludes the prosecution’s case. And I know what the counsel for the defence is going to say in response. He’s going to try and convince you these examples are isolated aberrations, and that the male gender has actually done a lot of good in the online environment, with many healthy friendships and wonderful love affairs initiated through emails sent to strangers across social networking sites. Well, he’s wrong. I have hundreds of examples like these, messages forwarded to me by concerned or amused girls, all adding weight to my assertion that adult males should be subject to rigorous checks confirming their normality before they are allowed onto these sites. And I hope that Judge Numpteemuthafuka, in his summing up, takes particular account of my final exhibit which comes from a Turkish guy named Ufuk, and betrays in its final sentence that desperate, unstable, and shouty substance behind the complimentary approaches of these wannabe lovermen:
i can see the beauty of your heart in your face
what is your real name?can i more information about you?
take care :)
NOTE: FOR HEAVEN SAKE ANSWER ME!!!
That, I venture, is the horrible reality. I leave the final verdict to your consciences. Thank you.
A unanimous verdict of ‘guilty but with diminished responsibility due to cretinism’ was passed by the jury. New laws closely regulating male ‘e-suitors’ and their online behaviour are currently being drafted with a provisional implementation date of 2015. The moral guardians of society have been satisfied for now, although the police are sceptical, to say the least.