To Luton Crown Court, where today the trial of local man Dudley Flotus (38) has come to its conclusion with a jury returning guilty
verdicts on the charges of aggravated assault, Actual Bodily Harm and multiple counts of threatening behaviour faced by the
defendant. This case has been in the news for all the wrong reasons recently, with Mr Flotus repeatedly hijacked proceedings to
shout accusations or make outlandish claims. This pattern continued today as Dudley addressed the court-room, unbidden, before
the presiding judge was able to make his sentencing recommendation.
“She married me that one, and she did it knowing exactly what I was like,” Mr Flotus maintained, speaking of battered spouse Eileen, a woman who had earlier given tearful evidence by video-link. “That means she agreed to be my property – I’m sure there was something about it in the vows. I don’t care what the PC brigade say, getting hitched means I’m only guilty of vandalism, or criminal damage at worst.” The defendant then became physically threatening as several attendants struggling to restrain him.
The judge subsequently called for order, reminding Mr Flotus “these are not Victorian times any more or, indeed, the nineteen eighties”. His Honour (left) then stated that the length of custodial
term would reflect the defendant’s inability to accept he’d done anything wrong. When it was announced at the hearing Mr Flotus would serve the maximum five year sentence, he quickly
became apoplectic, unleashing a tirade against “do-gooders, liberals and feminists” before being taken down, yelling about the injustice of ‘political correctness’ all the way.
Earlier in the trial the defence barrister had watched with trepidation as his client entered the witness box, to be shown photographs of the
abrasions, black eyes and bruises his wife suffered during the prolonged assaults. The accused was then asked by the prosecution
counsel: “Do you think that’s acceptable Mr Flotus? Well, do you?” Sure enough, the defendant then lost his composure once more.
“I do actually, yeah.” Dudley declared, to gasps from the public gallery. “It was well worth the trouble, to teach my missus a lesson.” When
asked what Mrs Flotus had done to require this ‘lesson’, Dudley was forced to admit he couldn’t recall exactly, but she “certainly won’t be
doing it again, not now I’ve learned her.”
The defendant went on: “My wife should know better than to make me all mad like that, bloody old cow. If Eileen had behaved in the first place I'd never have got
all worked up. It’s a total set-up Your Honour, she’s never complained about me leathering the shit out of her before. Them bleeding heart counsellors have probably
got to her, or the busybodies down at the women’s refuge. Meddling socialists they are, sitting in their champagne socialist paradise, being all right-on. That’s what got
me into this mess, make no mistake about it.”
Mr Flotus then ended his speech by bringing a fist down with such force he dented the cover of the Bible he’d sworn in on and the clerk had to send out for a new one.
With domestic violence rates at unprecedentedly high levels across austerity Britain, more criminals like Flotus are passing through UK courts every week, and
most refuse to accept they’ve done anything wrong. This epidemic of spouse-bashing is estimated to cost the British tax-payer more than £23 billion a year, with the assaults accounting for more than a quarter of this
country’s violent crime. That said, many women (and men too) fail to report the incidents out of fear, shame, the belief they’ve brought it on themselves, or wanting to stay
with a partner they still love, so the unreported figure is thought to be much higher.
And as more and more celebrity wife-beaters feature in the news, from Johnny Depp to Geoffrey Boycott to Paul ‘Gazza’ Gascoigne, women’s rights groups have seized the
opportunity to improve statistics stating most beaten partners, of either gender, endure an average of thirty-five assaults before they even ask for help. This would mean
the 635,000 incidents reported in England and Wales each year are but the tip of the iceberg while, globally, one in three women are said to be subject to physical
abuse during their lifetimes. But it's only really in Britain where men who are ‘caught in the act’ go on to blame the feminist movement, unelected EU commissioners or
‘the way this country is going’ for what has happened.
“My client continues to claim he is the victim of pernicious thought-control that frowns upon legitimate masculinity and his ‘tried
and tested’ philosophy, dating back to the cavemen, whereby the breadwinner ‘adjusts’ the behaviour of his wife when she steps out of line.” The convicted man’s barrister,
Roomie Tumpinambus, told regional reporters after sentencing. “Dudley’s down in the cells right now, yelling how the system infringes his ‘Human Rights’ and saying Mary
Beard is somehow behind it all.”
“I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to explain it to him, ever since the CPS confirmed they’d be bringing this case,” Roomie (right) went on. “I tell Mr Flotus hitting
another person is illegal and he just looks at me blankly. However simply you put it, my client doesn’t accept the reality of the law. Dudley would rather cite ‘Guardianistas’
or ‘femi-Nazis’ as evidence of some ill-imagined conspiracy. You wouldn’t believe how long it took me to get him to drop his original defence of ‘all my mates down the pub
beat their wives and they’re not banged up, so how bad can it be?’”
“I really hope I don’t get another case like this,” Mr Tumpinambus sighed. “But the way things are going, I’m sure several will turn up in my pigeonhole before summer ends.”
The convicted man has since been moved to Wormwood Scrubs, where early reports claim he still maintains “there’s nothing wrong with a good whupping – dad did it to mum and
my grandfather used to lamp gran too, sometimes in front of me. Men are being castrated - it’s an outrage!” Prison guards have told HDUK that Flotus now spends his days writing
letters to be smuggled out, trying to swap stories with a ‘Men’s Empowerment Group’ who all agree Dudley’s prison sentence ‘wouldn’t have happened before PC’ and it’s probably
down to Harriet Harman somehow.
Meanwhile Eileen Flotus, who only spoke to police in the first place when an A&R nurse contacted her GP on identifying a consistent pattern to her injuries, has returned to the
home she was granted an occupation order on by the judge. Eileen (left) is now trying to put her life back together; completing her divorce while receiving treatment for Post-Traumatic
Stress Disorder and counting her blessings. She is said to be thankful for a restraining order that will remain in place once Dudley’s sentence has been served, and the fact that she
bore him no children.
But Mr Flotus remains unrepentant and his latest ‘male empowerment initiative’ has been to set up a group online, entitled: ‘Men Emancipated From Political
Correctness Immediately Now’. Dudley hopes this movement will grow and achieve its stated aim of legal reform for ‘non-crimes’ like drink driving, marital rape
and calling ethnic minority shopkeepers ‘Exploding Abdul’. The National Security Agency are said to be monitoring the activity, poised to shut down this group
should they transgress UK laws on hate speech. Luckily that may prove unnecessary, since all recent attempts at fundraising have ended in abject failure.
Most notably a ‘sponsored hate-athon’ in which disgruntled, anti-PC men bombarded outspoken females with death threats on Twitter over a 24-hour period
raised less than £6.50 toward the cause and was widely considered to be an offensive, confusing flop.