Inspirational Feminist Swaps Empowered Sexuality For Economic Reward
ALL LOCAL NEWS:
To Manchester, where Home Defence comes, having been alerted to the achievements of the inspirational
Felicity Tremble, a young woman who has overcome the challenges of our situation here in ‘austerity
Britain’ through a combination of pluck, liberation, and a willingness to have sex with strangers for money.
“Miss Tremble started off in the ‘adult industry’ as a means of financing her PHd in The Dichotomy of Sexual Transactions.” Manchester University
Lecturer and sometime client of Felicity, Thommy Guttapercha, told HDUK. “Servicing well-off men like me whose wives don’t excite them anymore
was the natural next step from the cheerleading and pole-dancing societies Felicity joined at university; hobbies that got her fit while acclimatising many young women to being stared at by groups of flabby, middle-aged men for an hour or so at a time. I don’t know why they were allowed to sit there watching, but they were.”
“I’ve seen this girl at work,” Dr Guttapercha (left) went on, a dreamy skein to his milky-white eyes. “And I can tell you she’s a real pro, with a
tremendous skill-set positioning Felicity nicely to transcend the economic climate. This girl is willing to put in a shift doing anything and
everything to bring joy to those men who still run the world.”
“That’s why I’m so glad the media has latched on to this important story.” Thom confirmed. “Flick’s a shining example of empowered feminism for
the next generation of schoolgirls. She embodies the ethos of getting ahead in a man’s world, while acting as a fine role model for little kids in
‘Trainee Slut’ tops and miniature stilettos.”
“This babe doesn’t need the blessing of the patriarchy to make something of herself. Although she will take cash,
cheque or credit card in return for a predetermined length of time in which she’ll get down and dirty, and maybe
even call the recipient of her favours ‘daddy’ on request.”
Indeed, Miss Tremble could be seen on daytime TV earlier this month, grilled by Fearne Britton about her background, aspirations and
feminist credentials while Philip Schofield interrogated Felicity in some detail around specific sexual acts she might perform and tried to haggle her down on price. Soon the great and good were adopting Tremble as the living embodiment of a very twenty-first century style of empowerment, with the likes of Miley Cyrus, Jordan and
Rhianna saying they were proud of this “fellow sister”. Even disgraced / reinstated Tory MP Nadine Dorries (left) chipped in, calling the
sex worker a “thrillingly gynocentric paradigm of late Capitalism” before asking the male interviewer what he thought of her shoes.
Meanwhile, former classmates of Tremble’s have been paying their own tributes, with one telling the Daily Mail her lifelong ambition was
to objectify herself “the way Felicity has”. Indeed, so proud are Tremble’s hardworking parents, Simon and Milff, that they’ve gone without
life’s little luxuries to buy their most successful and symmetrical offspring breast implants for Christmas.
But perhaps the clearest sign Felicity’s inspirational story has transcended her locality came at Prime Minister’s Questions this week when, in response to a dowdy opposition MP querying whether Tremble was an example of what young women are reduced to in the unemployment-ravaged landscape of ‘Cameron’s Britain’, Diddy Dave responded as follows:
“Not at all. Why shouldn’t a hardworking girl express herself sexually and earn a decent wage while she’s at it? I admire Felicity’s
initiative – this girl is strong-minded and businesslike and, if the card Boris found in that phone box is accurate, a very good looking
filly to boot.”
Cameron (right) went on: “Both Felicity’s parents have worked long hours in soul-destroying service sector
jobs to create just this kind of opportunity for their daughter who, I’m told, spends eight hours each night
extracting ‘male milk’ from a variety of wealthy clients. My government is very much in favour of this kind of hardworking activity, and we’ll look
at helping consorts benefit via a range of inducements at our next budget. I can’t confirm right now, but we’re thinking about enabling unlimited
access to sexual clinics, money off contraceptives and expert help to set up a website. As long as Felicity pays the full rate of tax on her
income that is – we want a cut of that blowjob money!”
But not all commentators are holding up Tremble’s career as something to be admired and emulated, with investigative reporter Tess Harridan
(left) claiming in the Spectator that Felicity only started turning tricks when her landlord accepted hand relief and “the use of your mouth for a
bit” in lieu of the rent he'd recently jacked up. After receiving his pleasure, said slumlord responded by saying “that should be on your CV”, at
which point the desperate student decided having unwashed chubbies thrust into her was preferable to traipsing down the food bank for free
cans of processed meat.
Still, the argument that a hard working girl shouldn’t be looked up to by other young women was given short shrift by Miss
Tremble’s agent, one Bertha Selfie. We contacted ‘Big Bertha’ in the hope of gaining an interview with the ground-breaking feminist
in her employ, only to be told Felicity was out streetwalking for the foreseeable future as “she’s got a big utility bill coming through”.
When we pushed the issue Bertha (right) grew irritable, claiming Tremble certainly wasn’t confined to a room until her bruises
healed, and would never be punished like that for talking back to a punter, no way.
In the end we scoured the Internet for thoughts from the masses, including Miss Tremble’s many tweenie followers on Twitter who
were discussing rumours her rising profile would lead to a book deal, one that will extol the glamour and feminism implicit in selling
your orifices for cash. A subsequent biopic is expected to offer a view of Felicity’s life that contrasts favourably with less fortunate
female workers; women who have to toil in the unfulfilling strata of big business, teaching or politics. Such careers are often a
struggle for women who can't forge a path by being lusted after, with many certain to envy the existence of any woman who earns a
fortune just by taking off her clothes and being treated like a fleshy pleasure-doll.