Soho, Central London, an area of the city which has been home to renowned UK businesses for hundreds of years, and where one of the notable success stories of recent times involves local celebrity and self-made man, Leonard ‘Mack’ Baxter, Fulfilment Director of the ‘Satisfaction Guaranteed’ relaxation centre operating out of Old Compton Street. “I’m living proof that any man can make his dreams come true in New Labour’s Britain.” Baxter told us when we visited the sparsely furnished front office of his labyrinthine premises, Home Defence talking with this man said to be worth a high six figures, and who invests much of these profits in fur coats, jewellery and fast cars. “This boom in business is the result, I believe, of my management style which I call ‘turning out and ruling hard’. I know when to reprimand my employees, if clients leave the premises expressing dissatisfaction at not being fully sated, I’ll take action. The flipside of that is the rewards I give workers for exceeding their targets. These gifts might be a new item of clothing, stimulant, or money to send home to the family.” “We mostly employ young women here.” Leonard continued, pausing only to light a Cuban cigar and run one hand through his impressive eight-inch afro. “I like to offer opportunities for anyone willing to embrace my capitalist dream, even the inexperienced or terrified. I’m the kind of guy who likes to take a chance on new staff, and usually this management approach brings success. I’ve made notable progress recently with a number of Eastern European girls we’ve helped get into the country. They’re working well together, and in return I allow them to fit in as loyal and hard-working pieces of furniture. They soon find I offer a better standard of lifestyle, as well as recreational chemical compounds at greatly reduced prices. This reliance on untested employees and eye for workers’ strengths and weaknesses has contributed to turnover quadrupling over the past five years. A good manager must be able to exploit these elements effectively. I’ve even considered increasing the range of clients ‘Satisfaction Guaranteed’ can cater for by branching out into guys, but it’s proving difficult. Nowadays men have to be buff, blonde and look a bit like Daniel Craig to stand any chance in this market.”
Gordon Brown’s economic revival of the past decade, coupled with the expansion of the EU and London’s
growing influence as the hub of world business, has led to the rise of ambitious businessmen like Baxter,
a man who can exploit changing market theories, the chancellor’s policies toward small business, and
some of the oldest human impulses, to lead the market in a notoriously unpredictable sector. Leonard,
whose hobbies include accumulating ostentatious gold geegaws, flamboyant clothing and ‘money-makin’,
was inspired at an early age by similar trailblazers like Snoop Dogg, Iceberg Slim, Antonio Fargas, and
leader of the Conservative Party, David Cameron. By his early twenties Baxter was a ‘face’ on the scene,
attracting investors from around the world while allying himself with several ‘silent’ directors HDUK cannot
name for legal reasons. Soon Leonard had assembled a highly motivated team of young women, all
capable of multi-tasking during their taxing daily sessions, and often he would take these ‘laydeez’ out on awaydays or to business conventions, putting his ‘inductees’ through their paces with the aid of self-penned Powerpoint presentations and educational films.
As CEO in charge of fulfilment, Baxter has ultimate responsibility for the satisfaction of thousands of clients every year, covering
various aspects of their corporeal existence, and charging anything from thirty pounds to several hundred per session, depending on the level of service required and the amount of physical difficulty (or props) involved. For this challenging role, Leonard needs the full support of his jokily-named ‘bitches’, one of whom, Yeta (a “lovely little Romanian blonde with no gag reflex” according to her proud boss), we were allowed to interview for five supervised minutes in a backroom. “The Mack very nice man, he look after me good.” Yeta told us, furtively scanning the gloom with doe eyes like some kind of agitated puppy. “Please ask Mack when Yeta have promotion. I been with fifty Johns this week already, have I paid off smugglers now? Please, I need passport to go home, ask Mack to give it back….” This recent Satisfaction Guaranteed ‘Worker of the Month’ then curled up into a ball and began to cry, which was where we left her to continue the good work.
Back in the office of her boss, we found Baxter in high spirits and mulling over his prospects for the rest of
“A recent uGov poll suggested that 16% of 18 – 59 year old men will feel the need to pay for my kind
of fulfilment at some point, and when they do I want these blokes to have the best. That’s why it’s so
important to build a reputation for quality and disease-free consummation. At Satisfaction Guaranteed we
spread the word through the internet, specialist magazines, cards in phone booths and public
conveniences, along with that all-important word of mouth. But I’m also willing to accept I have a great
deal to learn, about keeping my staff in line, dealing with angry clients, and circumventing the various by-laws Westminster Council occasionally try to enforce. In fact, I’m thinking of enrolling on an ‘Influencing Skills’ course to help me become a better all-round
manager. You can get so out of practice after a lengthy period with no need to coerce the police or control those more unreliable inhabitants of my ‘house of ill repute’. Come to think of it, I could probably do with brushing up on my hand-to-hand combat technique as well…” At this point Baxter adjusted his cravat, bid Home Defence farewell, then climbed into a bright red Cadillac before driving off down Wardour Street.