To Manchester, Greater Manchester, where it is believed foreign-owned Manchester City, a football team, look set to once again rock the football world to its very foundations with a transfer deal which will break all known records. Your SupaDupa Soaraway DeathStar Sports News can bring you exclusive news of the pre-contract agreement – an agreement which will beofficially ratified as soon as the January transfer window cracks open in the New Year – that the former Maine Road club have reached in order topurchase the nation of Greece for £1, and at a stroke wipe out their Olympian debt mountain. City Grease the Wheels for Record-Smashing Transfer Land-Grab!
When all fees (including agency percentages) are taken into account, the total transfer-related budget, the TRANRELGET if you will, could amountto a staggering £FIFTY GOOGOL, which, when set against the £TWO ZILLION City have already spent in order to recoup the FA Cup, will be like agiraffe standing next to a red panda, or like the wonders of Ancient Greece in comparison with the new albums by those two blokes who used to bein Oasis. City have already been actively looking, hunting if you will, for new superstars to add to their squad. Indeed, manager RobertoMancini, 12, was recently quoted as saying this thing once, after a game they won 19-1 or something: “Sigh. I can’t take it…Squad-members are low to the ground. Too low. I don’t mean they are small… I’m not Ricky Gervais taking the piss out ofdwarfs… I mean we don’t have many player.” Because he’s Italian, he didn’t understand how you make things plural inEnglish, you see.By adding the signatures of an entire country, City can at least compete on four fronts this season. And it’s not like theyhaven’t done it before. The once perennial losers already have experience of holding an entire nation on their books – (Stephen)Ireland – and as such, they should have no problems in integrating the +30 calling code country into their already bulging-at-the-seams squad.Bell End
When DeathStar Sports today tried to catch up with Greece, recurrent Eurovision underachievers and former spenders of a
coin known as the drachma, the much heralded star was unavailable for comment, but super agent Spiro Prifti said: “It’ll be
a dream come true for the boy, Greece. He always supported Manchester City as a boy and his favourite players were
George Best, Robert ‘Bobby’ Charlton, and Denis Law. He also liked Colin Bell. End of quote.”
Forward-Thinking
Greece (left), whose land mass is made up of a flotilla of small islands, an archipelago of spice-white beaches and turquoise seas,is already being talked of as the perfect foil for the Argentinean Sergio ‘Kun’ Aguero and as a potential member of a holy triumvirate,alongside Aguero and Silva. It is thought Bosnian troll Edin Dzeko could be the man to miss out should Greece make the rumouredmove (along with other City strikers Adebayor, Roque Santa Cruz, Vladimir Weiss, Alex Nimely, Mario Balotelli, Adam Johnson,Samir Nasri, and of course Carlos Tevez…)Saturday Swap Shop
Tevez (pictured right with his birth mother) has been in the Manchester City dog-house, the official Etihad Stadium kennels, with nobbut a bowl of water and some Bonio biscuits for company since his refusal to turn out
for the lazer blues in their European Cup clash of the Titans with Bayern of the Munich variety in Germany two months ago, which
perhaps deserves another comma, and is looking for an escape route, a tunnel or a sewer even, through which he could crawl
through mile after mile of shit, torn up matchday programmes and pie-tins, like in The Shawshank Redemption, and be offered up
as a potential swap for Greece, which would, of course, burden the kettle-phobic striker to take on much of the Hellenic nation’s
burgeoning debt Mount Olympus TM as a kind of karmic what-comes-around-goes-around punishment for his Promethean folly.
Or perhaps player agent Kia Joorabchian could hammer out a deal which is more satisfactory for Tevez.
A bit like Shepherd’s Pie
Another player who DeathStar Sports News understands will have his nose put out of joint by the signature of Greece –national dish, mousakka, which is a kind of auberginey shepherd’s pie – will be pyromaniac frontman Super Mario Balotelli, 63(left), whose on and off pitch fireworks have this season caused much mirth for the traditional 150% of Mancunians who supportthe Blue Mooners. Balotelli is thought to have already developed a new kind of garden-based bonfire which, although not lethalto hedgehogs – the cunning Italian has designed a unique hedgehog escape system – could well cause major fire-relatedinjuries, burns if you will, to another party, thought, in this case, to be any new signing which threatens the City number 45’sstarting place.Trying to fit six melons, twelve sausage rolls and six cans of cider into a sock
That’s not the end of the potential problems Greece’s arrival could spell for the Stadium-shaped-like-a-bent-frisbee club. Trying to
field a country which has a surface area made up of 0.86% water as the focal point of the lazer-blue attack may be a dilemma
which will keep Roberto Mancini up all night. Though Greece is thought to have a tasty left foot and an eye for goal, the country,
most famous resident Mr Papadopoulos, owner of the Walford launderette, is much larger than a football pitch, even if everything
squeezes in a bit, and as such he may have to satisfy himself with a place on the bench, at least until the Carling Cup rolls
around again.
Avid city fan Frank Sidebottom put the words to what we were all thinking, though we were thinking it in musical notes: “Of course
Greece won’t be guaranteed a first x11 place at the Etihad Stadium, but the southern European nation will have to bide his time.
This is the best City side ever in the history of the world. And though we may have saved the euro by purchasing the boy Greece,
that does not come with a nailed-on place in the team when Saturday comes. We will take each game as it comes, and if playing
Greece – population 11.3m – in the reserves until he gets the hang of Manchester is the way Mancini wants to play it, then that’ll
be fine by the supporters of Manchester City Football Club and Corporate Whorehouse.”
Ottoman Empire
And that’s not all that Greece, declared independent from the Ottoman Empire in January 1822, will have to contend with upon hisarrival in the North West. Greece, who drives on the right hand side of the road, may be able to play anywhere along the front line,from old-fashioned number 10 to out-and-out winger; he might be most commonly known for playing in the ‘false 9’ role madefamous by Lionel Messi and David Silva, but if he’s anything like the man he might be replacing then he’ll struggle to find a decentrestaurant in the whole of the not-North Eastern conurbation. Tevez will provide a salutary lesson for Greece, who, sovereign debtcrises aside, has always been popular with British tourists. But if Greece can keep his head while all around him are losing theirs, then, my son, he’ll prove a useful signing for the Citizens inBlue.
