Dear Valued Constituents and Those of Legal Age to Vote,
With only a few days left to plead with voters to cast their ballots for me, I feel it prudent to openly discuss with you, the great British
public, the advantages of my ongoing political positioning and outline what may or may not be in store for you after the election,
should I win your valued vote of confidence.
I realize it has been confusing for some, with me having started out as your Conservative representative, jumping ship to UKIP then finally becoming your
Green champion. Now, at last, I can confirm something the more observant among you may already have suspected - hoots mon, I’m now the SNP
candidate for Bournemouth West!
Now, some of you may feel that parachuting a candidate into a constituency such as this is unfair. But the Tories did it with Tobias Ellwood the last time
round and what’s that sassenach ever done for the good people of Bournemouth?
I know immigration is a great concern for the fine constituents of this town, so they can rest assured, us Scots have no intention of invading. How can we, when the entire area is already overrun with Poles and Albanians?
Secondly, I’m not going to lie to you as those dastardly Tories have, repeatedly. The economy isn’t booming - it’s tanking. Unemployment is up, and austerity has failed
under the Conservative watch. Labour don’t have the answer either - how can social equality lead to a better life for all? As for the Greens, why would you trust a party with
an Australian at the helm? Let’s not even mention the Lib-Dems. I doubt they will survive, the wee bisums.
No, we’re all fed up with posh-boy Westminster politics, so I am here to offer you a delightful alternative - posh-boy Holyrood politics.
Yes, the answer to your problems is to vote SNP. The Scottish National Party guarantees we will absorb Bournemouth into the overall Scottish federation of states, so
you’re all welcome to become Mock-Jocks and enjoy the benefits of North Sea oil, free education and Buckfast. Here at the SNP we don’t want to leave the EU, but we’re
more than happy to break up the UK into bite-size chunks.
So come on Bournemouth, vote SNP for a better future. Even if we’re not actually sure what that future is yet, or how power can be shared in a practical manner. But at least I like puppies.
And, to further boost confidence in our party’s aims, I now intend to run around the streets of this borough wearing only a suit made out of money.
Vote SNP. You might think it makes no sense but
really…. what are the alternatives?