I’ve taken time out from my usual column for the Conservative Home website to explain how to have a thoroughly proper English Christmas.
My thanks go out to the wonderful team at Fortnum and Masons - their generous hamper donations will not be forgotten when we introduce policies
to protect British consumers from the menace of cheap German food shops. It seems M and S are a tad hard pushed to come up with the goodies
this time, and it’s probably best we forget Tesco’s contribution altogether. Let’s just get on with the job at hand.
The question today is what constitutes a proper English Christmas, as no one seems to even know what Englishness is any more. Dickens and Scrooge conjure up all the wrong messages, and
I’ve no idea why my high street has been invaded by European tinkers flogging olives and sticky cakes out of garden sheds. That’s not a Christmas market – it’s a bloody invasion of squatters.
I say it’s time we got back to traditional English fare and told Johnny Foreigner where to get off. Englishness is under threat from all quarters and people like us must take a stand. So here are my
top twelve hates ruining our Christmases, for one and all.
Ben Gunn was never a fashion icon. If you’re a round the world yachtsman like Helen McCarthy; or you’ve lost both arms to a Taliban IED then
not shaving is understandable. The rest of you beardy fucks, grow up. A beard was cool on Moses but you look like a cock. Skinny jeans, a
Nazi haircut, overpriced trainers and a sleeve tattoo don’t make you hip or individual, not at Christmas and not ever. You look like an idiot, in the
company of other idiots.
2. Theresa May’s Wardrobe
Dressing like a Christine Lagarde may give the front bench a hard-on but the rest of us just see mutton. Only ambitious twenty-somethings in call
centres power-dress for work these days. Time to act your age, not your fuck-me shoe size. Best go back to tweeds and pearls Mrs May.
Margaret Thatcher would never have gone to work looking so brash or tarty.
3. George Osborne’s New Haircut
Acting like Nero, fiddling deficit figures whilst the economy bums, is not a good look. There’s a big difference between pulling off a Romanesque demi-god
style and looking like a spiteful little Caesar while fucking up the tuck shop accounts and jeopardizing Big Dave’s shot at a second term. No one believes the
last government was responsible for the financial crash any more, so stop saying it to excuse your own piss-poor performance, dickhead. Some have
suggested the haircut you deserve includes tar, feathers and a bucket of shit and maybe they’re right. How can anyone take us seriously in office when you
look like Peewee Herman?
4. Anything Ed Milliband Says
The Labour front bench has truly lost its political way. Constantly suckered into arguments they lack the political conviction to win, they constantly play catch-up to anyone with an
over-opinionated view while being too afraid to stand up for their socialist ideals. Bearing in mind this is the worst Tory government in living memory, Labour should be way ahead of
the game. They’re not, and the sight is lamentable. At least Jim Murphy nailed his political colors to the mast in Scotland. All Milliband does is piss off the core vote everywhere else.
Well done Ed, keep it up - we’re sure to get in again with your help.
5. The Sainsbury's Christmas Ad
“Goodentag, mine name unst Otto. Was is das, ah unst Sainsbury chocoladen… shizer. Ich bien ien chocoladen unt Lidle unst Aldi. Very good Tommy, yah?”
They might have lost two World Wars, but the Hun is winning hands down in England’s green and pleasant shopping aisles. Aside from cashing in on suffering by using the deaths
of millions to flog wrapping paper and overpriced tat, the festive Sainsbury's ad has Tommy curiously disappointed with everything he got in return for his chocky treat, inferring the
Hun can only offer inedible blocks of tasteless cardboard versus our own chunky wares. This is as stupid as anything Haig and the Great War generals could come up with. Aldi and
Lidl won the battle in Europe years ago. The Christmas truce was swiftly put down for fear that acts of blatant camaraderie might disrupt the blowing of our enemy into bite-size
chunks. I look forward to the entire board of Sainsbury’s following the spirit of 1914 by having their staff shot at dawn. Or at least, the immigrants.
6. The ESRC
The ‘Economic and Social Research Council’ (yes, they’re Stalinists), published a report halfway through 2014 supported by research from the University of York (lefty scum) on poverty in the UK. Apparently, despite our constant reassurances that the economy is recovering, deprivation in the UK is still on the rise. The next time you hear Osborne say the economy is strong you are instructed to believe him and ignore the following:
The percentage of households below the minimum standard of living in the UK has increased from 14% to 33% in the last 30 years. 18 million people cannot afford adequate housing. 12 million are too poor to engage in at least one common social activity. 1 in 3 people cannot afford to adequately heat their homes in winter. 4 million children are not properly fed. Full time work is no longer a guarantee of escaping poverty.
Trust some lefty think-tank to come up with such a pack of damned lies. And at Christmas too.
7. The Nigel Farage Sat-Nav - Only Available From ‘White Goods’ Stores
This has the appearance of something you’d expect to find in a posh banker’s car. While I applaud the obvious public school pronunciation, diction and tone, I was a tad
confused about the actual validity of its directions. This sat-nav had no comprehension of a need to turn left; it just kept going for the far-right exit at every roundabout I
approached. Bloody gizmo doesn’t recognize much of the country either and just went back to its default position; stating that traffic congestion was caused by European
interference. Although the NFSN has some useful features, it packed up on me several times and resulted in my vehicle running over several black people in Brixton. I
shall, of course, be asking for a full refund. Just like anyone who mistakenly voted UKIP.
8. Ultimate Top Gear Compilation of the Best Bits DVD (Again)
I draw the line at another cheap excuse for rehashing the same old content year after year just to stay popular. Conning the public that they’re getting something new for their money is not on.
You would never catch the Conservative Party doing something like that.
Do not trust these people. I made the grave mistake of giving the nanny one of their twelve-inch vibrating kitchen aids for Christmas last year. The damned thing didn’t come with instructions
and she subsequently managed to knock out four dental fillings with the satanic black monster. When I complained they laughed out loud and put the phone down. The ingrates shall not
be getting my business again.
10. Christmas Songs Played in Shops
Christmas shopping is tough enough without the squawkingly benign dirge of Yuletide pop polluting town centres through our festive season of August to January, year after
year. Every time it’s the same old soundtrack, dragged kicking and screeching from its crypt. The best way to improve the Christmas shopping experience would be deport
Noddy bloody Holder, along with Mariah Carey, George Michael, East 17, Roy Wood, Paul McCartney and anyone who has penned a Christmas hit. A pox on you and your
kin. Such wanton acts of hatred deserve only our contempt.
11. Poundland Wrapping Paper
Indeed anything purchased from Poundland then given as a Christmas gift. Haven’t you poor types heard of coal or satsumas? You think things are tough now, but you’ve
never had it so good. Just wait until we put up interest rates in the New Year.
12. Black Friday
I thought this was something the British National Party had dreamt up but it turns out to be linked to those ghastly Americans. I’m not talking about the
shopping mayhem invented to flog us more crap than we need, it’s worse than that. The Yanks redact a report so that everyone thinks us Brits torture
people like they do. Yes we mutilated Kenyans and the Irish, but only a few instances immediately spring to mind. We would never willingly harm suspects,
not when we can outsource such services to the Americans. They’ve got all the expertise nowadays you know.
And there you have it - my Christmas wish list for getting this country back on it’s feet.
Yo ho ho and a Happy New Year to all you poor people.