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Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
A HUMBLE LETTER FROM INVINCIBLED TOURS
ALL TRAVEL:
Name: Mr. Smithorjones
Address 1: Buckingham Palace
Postcode: ?


Dear Sirormadam 

RE: INVINCIBLED TOURS 

I have proposal for you for job. This letter outline my experiences, expertises and allround qualification for role. Please take moment to study
credential and consider myself as your provider of choice. Do not taken in be by alternative, larger company. I used to work there. I know. They
charges exorbitant amounts and guide do not know what they talking about. Some from mountains or some beggars and cannot speak the English.
Is why my catch-line: KNOW INVINCIBLED TOURS, KNOW THE CITY

If you like sound of mute whistle then I, your humble servant, have no lip-blowing capability. Is a tour whistling stopped. Sudden as you like.

And further to comment on Trip Advisors, I can confirm we now have bus. 

WHAT WE DO WITH BUS 

We take the roundabout, higgeldypiggeldy route, making dogleg angles and crabwise turns like we sneaking taxidrivers
and cab running on a meter, or else we driving getaway car, throwing off tails leftrightandcentre. Is the best way to see my
city. 

And to avoid it. 

We make intersections, diversions. While you sit in safety and luxurious. 

WHY CHOOSE ME AS GUIDE 

Is dangerous to stand erect, with back turned to the oncoming traffics and low bridges, but I do. I make like reverse fat woman 
from the Titanic and near far wherever you are like I am the best of them. Some people ask me am I crazy and I give them 
wrysmile. Is not really dangerous to experience my city this way on account of the traffics! We are barely moving a lot of the 
time. Ha! 

I am telling you I am invincible and the only aspect of my job which might make me vincibled is the cold. The cold, I say! 

On days like this day the sectors of my face that feel the cold most are my ears, my cheeks and my nose and the only way to solve this would be balaclava. This would not be A-Star service for my party: they are the type might think they have taken up with a terrorist. At old company, even my Galatasaray scarf not welcome, but if company make me wear Besiktas I shit on and wipe my A-Star hole with. Ha! Now I wear what I like. 

MY UNIQUE JOKING 

Tell a man a joke and he can laugh, but give a man a microphone and he can tell the jokes to allandsundry. Because this, I am most popular English-speaking open top bus guide in all of Istanbul. On Trip Advisors I have wealth of five star ratings. (Please look at ratings for Istanbulldozer Inc. for these reviews. We start-up company and
no reviews as yet. Though change.) But is not all laughingandjokings. I can point out the Blue Mosque and the Galata tower and all
places where Bond film acted, and Liam Neeson film. This is what tourist most want to see, as though Daniel Craig still here and
waiting to give them wave! 

When not Bond, the other favourite aspect of tour is busdriver takes us to point where Europe and Asia intersect. The tourist joker of
party will waddle off bus and straddle imaginary line like cowboy. Rest of shutter off photograph on iphones. You can also do. 

You know other thing? Tourist are so fact hungry. They snaffle down factoids like so many kebabs. We have 5,343 square
kilometers here and approximate 13.5 million populations. I see tourist stroking their iphones along with my speeches. Try catch me out on factoids. You always get the one who say Wikipedia knows best even though I have thirty three years here. 

So go on, testing me. 

IN RESPONSE TO TRIP ADVISOR 

I have seen ‘warnings’ about me and company on Trip Advisors. Let me explain. These thing are only minor aspects of 
tour when compared with overall warm wellbeings. One time, lesser spotted Paul Gascoigne-looking boy catch me 
unawares and ask me GDP of the city and then laugh like I’m a fish floundering on a line. And when I rattleoff 
guesstimate, he laugh in my face. I want to shake boy so he earthquake, but make do with sharprebuke. Still it earn 
me first black mark on copybook when we return to depot. THIS IS ONLY ONE TIME. 

The other time they make reference. When we on the freeway, this is what I always do: I always sit and take fiveminutes and we pipe silly tourist music through speaker. Istanbul, Constantinople is the song always. Sometime the tour party start up their own song and it is Wheels on the bus. And I ask them, I say, seriously, are you all childrens? And manager pulls me in office again at end. We are allowed three black mark. Not my fault I say. Galatasaray out of Champion League last night. He tell me no dice. 

I am sure you agree. 

But to be on sure side, now with new company, the jokes are less and the factoids are more. And still the tourist the same. It is the English who are the opposite of profligate with tips at end of ride. When I come with empty hat, they suddenly forget where wallet is, or else they blunder past me like they have place to go. I tell them I used to be top student at University of Hull in England, but they pretend I say University of Hell or somesuch. 

So let me tell straight, on Invincibled Tours we now have policy: NO TIPS. Is why we now shitting on Istanbulldozer Inc. Is ASDA PRICE.

So when you land at airport, look out for big red bus and hop on like in London. 

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME. 

Erhan Bilirici

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