"I saw it with my own eyes," Paisley's moderate Protestant rival David Trimbletold the world's press. "Their Berettas are in pieces and they've buried all the semtex in the garden. After giving up a life of violence ever member of the provisional IRA went down the pub to sing Catholic drinking songs. Then they woke up this morning and collected their Jobseeker's Allowance. We monitored them all the way, and apart from an embarrassing moment when Billy 'Mad Pig' O'Callaghan was asked to remove his balaclava while waiting at Social Services, I saw nothing untoward which would lead me to believe this change of heart is untrue. The IRA seem as relieved as the rest of us it's all over. I suppose it's difficult to live to a ripe old age when the security forces keep shooting at you. Sinn Fein, along with my party, the world at large, and ninety per cent of Irish voters, support the Good Friday Peace Agreement. Unfortunately Mr. Paisley does not."
An interview conducted later that day with Reverend Paisley confirmed these misgivings.
"They expect us to believe a leopard can change its spots just like that?" Bellowed Paisley. "I demand to
see inside the cellars and cupboards of every Catholic house in the province. Until I've been granted this access
the DUP cannot confirm if these claims are made up. Even if they were true, that wouldn't be enough to build trust
with the IRA. What about improvised weapons? How many of these maniacs still possess a two by four with a nail
in it? At the moment we simply cannot say. Only when the full story comes out can there be peace."
Told of the Reverend Paisley's objections, Sinn Fein spokesman Gerry Adams replied: "Improvised weapons. Right. Well, unless I'm very much mistaken, anyone can sharpen a stick."
The 79 year old Paisley was ordained in 1946 at an independent church by four ministers, all from different
denominations and none of whom had the authority to confirm the young Ian, a fact he's since glossed over. The '
Doctor' prefix comes from his honorary 'Doctor of Divinity' accolade awarded at the American Bob Jones
University. Back then Bob was one of Paisley's closest personal friends as well as a supporter of racial
segregation who never allowed black people on his campus.
Over the years the Reverend Doctor Paisley has become well known across the world for hilarious catchphrases such
as "NO SURRENDER!" and "NO TO A UNITED IRELAND!" His political party has taken the unusual position of making
a virtue of rejecting political expediencies they condemn as unnecessary, like dialogue, debate, tolerance, and
acknowledging Catholics. A list of the man's achievements would be too long to print here, but notable events from his
life include the setting up of an unofficial paramilitary unit to import arms from South Africa, saying the Queen Mother
had "committed spiritual fornication" by meeting the Pontiff, getting thrown out of Stormont for noise offences, inspiring
two days of rioting, being jailed for organising a demonstration against civil rights, organising UPF bombing campaigns
and, most notably, accusing the Pope of being the antichrist to his face. Such a man is unused to compromise and
possesses a character of the type former IRA members know only too well, in fact they were apparently anticipating
this response.
"In the days since the Reverend dismissed our good intentions I have been personally contacted by several
ex-freedom fighters willing to offer conclusive evidence contradicting Mr. Paisley's claim." Announced Gerry
Adams, reading from a prepared statement outside a Catholic Church in Belfast. "Many of these men are
inviting Ian to come and witness the new careers they have embarked on. Men who once served the cause
are now P.E. teachers, midwives, or importers of dressmaking equipment. I've also been contacted by a
splinter group who wish to make a gesture of good faith and return Shergar, so if anyone knows the address
of this racehorse's next of kin we'll happily despatch a sack of bones and twenty cans of Pedigree Chum to
them. Unfortunately the Democratic Unionist Party have refused ever to speak to Sinn Fein again, so further
negotiation is proving difficult."
Home Defence caught up with an extremely unwell Dr. Paisley in his Northern Ireland home and asked whether forty years against the evolution of Irish politics hadn't led to his tendency for not giving an inch to become a habit.
"Never!" Yelled the bedridden political leader. "We will never accept the Good Friday debacle! If those who remain in the province don't agree with me then I will happily go to war."
That seemed a bit excessive, so we decided to change tack, asking Dr. Paisley what proof there was for
his often-stated suspicion that the IRA's abandonment of terrorist tactics was some kind of ploy.
"I can't reveal my secrets to someone like you." Responded the Reverend, rolling on his side to boom at
his wife for a cup of tea. "I'm old now, and I can't go on forever, but my party won't rest until every Catholic in
Ireland is forced to live in a ditch where they belong. There can be no peace without former members of the
provisional IRA proving their renouncement of the struggle by killing themselves and joining the Pope in hell."
Was Dr. Paisley concerned his work might not continue in the same vein after he was gone?
"Not at all." The convalescent screamed. "Meet my son - Ian Paisley Jr."
At which point a younger version of the DUP leader entered the room barking "NO SURRENDER!" so
we made our excuses and left.
Stormont, Northern Ireland
To the hub of power in Northern Ireland, where recent announcements from the political
wing of the Irish Republican Army (Sinn Fein), on the IRA ceasing to exist, combine with
conclusive evidence that the terrorist organisation has renounced their struggle and
destroyed all arms. But this isn't sufficient to satisfy the Reverend Ian Paisley's
Democratic Unionist Party.
