Travel Drinking VII

Well, this was inevitable at some point. I’ve done no travelling whatsoever this last month.

Not a jot.

So, rather than just make it all up (which was quite tempting, I have to say – “Dick’s adventures

with the Bangkok Chickboys”) I’ll tell you about something I discovered a few years back, thanks to a trip to

Berlin. And it’s nothing to do with Berlin; it’s about the German phrasebook I took with me.

There’s a section in it called ‘Dating And Romance’ which, quite frankly, needs to be seen to be believed, so I’m

going to recount it for you here. I’ve edited a few phrases on the grounds of repetition, but I haven’t changed the

order at all. This is exactly as they’re listed in the book. Some of them are pretty much what you’d expect,

some of them are fairly bewildering, but the most important thing to keep in mind is that these are listed in a

phrase book – a quick-reference phrase book.

It was nice talking with you – Es war nett, mit dir zu sprechen

Can we meet again? – Wollen wir uns wieder treffen?

I had a great evening – Es war ein schöner Abend

Next time it’s on me – Das nächste Mal lade ich dich ein

I’ll give you a call – Ich rufe dich an

Would you like to do something on the weekend? – Hast du Lust am Wochenende was zu unternehmen?

Where would you like to go? – Wo möchtest du hingehen?

Do you have a boyfriend / girlfriend? – Hast du einen Freund / eine Freundin?

(Interesting to note, by the way, that these people had got to the stage of planning a weekend date before actually

double-checking that last point.)

Can I buy you a drink? – Darf ich dich zu einem Drink einladen?

Would you like to dance? – Möchtest du mit mir tanzen?

You’re very nice – Du bist sehr nett

I like you very much – Ich mag dich sehr

Do you like me too? – Magst du mich auch?

You’re very pretty – Du bist sehr hübsch

(‘Hübsch’! There’s a fucking attractive way of saying ‘pretty’!)

I’m interested in you – Ich interessiere mich für dich

(Hang on, that’s not a chat-up line; that’s what an interrogator says to a captive over a glaring angle-poise lamp. If you’re ever trying to seduce a German, I’d probably avoid ‘Ich interessiere mich für dich’ if you don’t want to sound like a stalker.)

You’re a great dancer! – Du tanzt wirklich gut!

You’re very sexy – Du bist sehr sexy

May I kiss you? – Darf ich dich küssen?

Will you take me home? – Kannst du mich nach Hause bringen?

Do you want to come inside for a while? – Möchtest du kurz reinkommen?

Can I call you? – Kann ich dich anrufen?

I’ll call you tomorrow – Ich rufe dich morgen an

Your place or mine? – Zu dir oder zu mir?

You have a great body – Du hast einen schönen Körper

Let’s go to bed – Gehen wir ins Bett

I want to sleep with you – Ich möchte mit dir schlafen

Do you have a condom? – Hast du einen Gummi?

(‘Gummi’?! That’s delightful, isn’t it?)

I don’t do it without a condom – Ich mache es nicht ohne Gummi

I’m on the pill – Ich nehme die Pille

I have a diaphragm – Ich habe ein Pessar

I have my period – Ich habe meine Tage

Touch my breast – Streichle meine Brüste

Touch my nipples – Streichle meine Brustwarzen

(Their word for ‘nipples’ doesn’t half sound like a kind of sausage to me.)

Touch my bum – Streichle meinen Po

Touch my hips – Streichle meine Hüften

Touch my penis – Streichle meinen Penis

Touch my cock – Streichle meinen Schwanz

Touch my vagina – Streichle meine Vagina

Touch my back – Streichle meinen Rücken

(At this point I feel compelled to re-iterate that I have not rearranged the ordering of these phrases. Whoever organised this sliding scale of eroticism clearly decided that the back was the ultimate erogenous zone, even above the vagina and the schwanz. Maybe ‘back’ is a euphemism for something I don’t even want to think about?)

Kiss me – Küss mich

Touch me – Streichle mich

Caress me – Sei zärtlich

Fuck me! – Fick mich!

(You know, I actually think I prefer that last one in German.)

That’s great! – Das ist gut!

Go on – Mach weiter

Did you enjoy it? – Hat es dir gefallen?

That was great – Das war toll

Can I stay over? – Kann ich bei dir übernachten?

Would you like a cigarette? – Möchtest du eine rauchen?

When can I see you again? – Wann kann ich dich wieder sehen?

I’ve fallen in love with you – Ich habe mich in dich verliebt

(Hold on, darling, you were only offering me a post-coital cigarette two phrases ago.)

I love you – Ich liebe dich

Do you love me? – Liebst du mich?

I must see you again – Ich muss dich wieder sehen

I’ll always love you – Ich werde dich immer lieben

Let’s move in together – Wollen wir zusammenziehen?

Will you marry me? – Willst du mich heiraten?

(I think those last few phrases illustrate my point better than anything. When you’ve got to the stage of moving in with someone you’re going to marry and love forever, surely – surely – you should be beyond looking things up in a quick-reference phrasebook. Imagine what a romantic image that would create when you’re going down on one knee. “Hang on a sec... it’s here somewhere . . . ah, here we go: ‘Willst du mich heiraten?’”)

I have to leave tomorrow – Ich muss morgen los

I’ll miss you – Ich werde dich vermissen

I’ll come and visit you – Ich komme dich besuchen

I really want to keep in touch – Ich möchte wirklich mit dir in Kontakt bleiben

I want to remain friends – Können wir Freunde bleiben?

I don’t think it’s working out – Ich glaube nicht, dass es klappt

(When it comes to summarising the end of a courtship, the phrase ‘dass es klappt’ does have a certain poetry about it.)

I want to end the relationship – Ich möchte Schluss machen

I don’t love you anymore – Ich liebe dich nicht mehr

I have never loved you – Ich habe dich nie geliebt

You’d better go now – Du gehst jetzt besser

Go away! – Geh weg!

Leave me alone – Lass mich allein

I don’t ever want to see you again – Ich will dich nie mehr wieder sehen

Piss off! – Verpiss dich!

There you go! From chat-up to break-up in 71 phrases. Read them back really fast and it feels like every relationship you’ve ever had, only played at hyper-speed. (Incidentally, my computer’s spell-checker has been going absolutely apeshit for the last half-hour.)

Anyway, time for me to go now. Ich werde dich vermissen!