To the New Era Housing Estate in Hackney, where today an impromptu demonstration was underway after Britain’s foremost political
philosopher and the ex-host of ‘Big Brother’s Big Mouth’ turned up wielding a megaphone and engaged with East London’s potential
voters on a one-to-one basis by shouting ill-thought out polemic in their general direction.
"Russell came over and explained to me that the only way to effect societal change is not to cast a vote on Thursday.” 23 year-old
local resident Tilly Psepop told Home Defence. “At first I was reluctant to accept his argument, since my great-great-grandmother was
a suffragette and she knew loads of people who died under horses to empower women, which means I appreciate it more than most.”
“But after Russ used some big words and gave me the chance to stroke that lovely beard of his, I was totally won over.” Miss
Psepop went on. “Russ said the best way to honour my ancestors’ radicalism was to thumb my nose at the whole democratic process, stay home May 7th and watch Bridezillas on ITVBe or read
a ‘booky wook’ instead. I have to say, that does sound more fun than going back to my smelly old school and squeezing into a curtained booth to write out some crosses.”
“Whatever I end up doing,” Tilly (pictured left with the gorgeous man) concluded, “He’s certainly given me a lot to think about.”
Indeed, Prospect Magazine’s ‘Fourth Most Important Thinker’ in the world 2015 (behind Myleene Klass, Anders Brievik and Gonzo from The Muppets) went on to engage with many of
East London’s youthful hipsters and celebrity-obsessed residents during the afternoon. Brand then proceeded to march off with them toward his lavish home in Shoreditch, the
budding revolutionary joined by a gathering of newly-enfranchised teenagers and twenty-somethings chanting ‘Don’t Vote, It Only Encourages Them’ or ‘Be Brave - Disengage’.
Their leader, the 39 year-old West Ham fan and Hollywood star whose remake of Arthur scored an average of 26 out of 100 on Rotten Tomatoes, was momentarily distracted at this
point by a middle-aged dissenter approaching the demonstration. This figure yelled out that failing to vote come May 7th was “effectively doubling the franchise of those establishment
voters you profess to hate” and went on to slam “a man who has never voted in his life because he’s so rich”. This passer-by, who was nowhere near as handsome as Brand, alleged that “it doesn’t matter to you who’s in power - you’re worth a fortune”.
On being confronted by Brand’s star power and the booing of his youthful acolytes, this flabby interloper eventually lapsed into silence and left the area, shaking his head and muttering that
the protest was “the most idiotic thing I’ve ever seen”.
As the demo proceeded, past endless cereal cafes and vinyl emporiums, Home Defence heard from a young man who found himself caught up in this grassroots irruption. In fact, 21 year
old Scallywag Bagger (right) was only down from Northampton for the day, “to do a bit of shopping”.
“I were just wandering about, a bit directionless like, when I saw Russell coming down the road with a load of fit birds in tow, pumping his fist and hollering. That’s when I thought – I’ll have
a bit of whatever he’s selling.” Mr Bagger told HDUK later, over bottled water in Brand’s packed Trew Era Café which still doesn’t have any plumbing. “He’s my hero that bloke – Katy Perry, the Jemima Khan chick and now all that Metropolitan poon-tang following him around everywhere. My new mate gets the women by telling people they should start a revolution and not vote. It makes me want to do that too.”
When we asked whether Brand’s inspiring example would make Scallywag less likely to exercise his democratic right at the General Election he responded: “I reckon so. I was
thinking about voting, but now I’ve seen what can be achieved by not being arsed, maybe I’ll follow Russell’s example instead.”
Later this day of ‘spontaneous upheaval’ ended with hundreds of Brand’s followers massing in Trafalgar Square, burning their Polling Cards and
bras in a show of anti-establishment zeal that is sure to strike fear into the hearts of elected representatives everywhere (apart from the
right-wing ones). Russell was said to be happy with the outcome, responding to critics who maintain he has accidentally facilitated exactly the
kind of regressive political rule he supposedly wants overthrown by telling them to “suck my dinky”.
Indeed, such was the success of the uprising; Russell is considering taking his freshly-Branded ‘Fuck The Vote’ campaign onto the road in the
days leading up to May 7th, conversing with the easily led and overawed across the country. Pundits predict many will be transfixed by Brand’s charisma and ‘dreamy eyes’ before
agreeing to forsake their say in whoever rules the UK next. That trade off, letting their interests be screwed over in the next parliament for a brief boost to Russell’s massive ego, has been
becoming more and more attractive to many.
Unfortunately HDUK was unable to gain an audience with this modern-day combination of Jesus, Gandhi, Socrates and Malcolm X, the man Bob Geldof once labelled “a cunt”. Russell was
said to be too busy co-ordinating a campaign for spontaneous change in the collective consciousness, an ill-defined idea that will apparently lead to a “massive redistribution of wealth”.
Although the ‘Fuck the Vote’ campaign team, hastily assembled from a plethora of nubile, brunette applicants, was quick to qualify Brand isn’t sure how the
wealth should be redistributed yet, and the redistribution in question doesn’t necessarily include his own.
However, as Home Defence was going to press, a gasping world was told that Russell had executed the biggest u-turn since your correspondent’s first driving test. Following brief discussions
with a politician, Brand today decided everyone should actually vote after all, posting a message to this effect on his YouTube channel ‘The Trewser Snake’.
The effect was electrifying, with Brand’s publishing company immediately undertaking to pulp all copies of his anti-voting tract ‘Revolution’
because: “he’s moved on, just leave it”. Meanwhile, millions of the man’s Twitter followers have been asking the Internet how they can go
about casting a ballot on Thursday, just like their flip-floppy hero. When advised they needed to have registered weeks ago, back when Russell was
still pushing his ‘Fuck the Vote’ agenda, many grew disillusioned. They included Tilly Psepop who pleaded with HDUK: “What am I supposed to
do now? First one thing, then the other - it’s almost as if Russ had no idea what he was talking abou, all this time.”
Still, electoral experts say that Brand’s reversal is unlikely to have much of an effect on Election Day, since those who now intend to cast their vote are likely to follow their
hero's lead by getting smashed and rutting all night, so they’ll be in too much of a state to even leave the house come May 7th.