with Al Likilla
Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
Are You A Victim Of 
Find out with our easy to complete lifestyle quiz!

fear spread by suicide bombers, freedom fighters and John Simpson all across the world? Have the events of
the early twenty first century and the panicky nature of the mass media convinced you that it'd be best to
avoid major cities, not travel by public transport and stay in your specially reinforced fireproof bunker forever?
To discover quite how paranoid you've become on our patented sliding scale from natural apprehension all the
way up to utterly tonto, simply choose the answer to each of the following questions which best suits your
current state of mind.....

One day whilst out walking your Chihuahua in the park you hear a sudden loud bang, do you:

A - Concentrate on trying to slow your heart rate before continuing, it's probably just a moped backfiring.
B - Ring everyone you can think of on your mobile asking them if they heard that noise, even if they live in
C - Inform the appropriate authorities and climb a tree, cradling your dog under one arm, until the all-clear is

While queuing to enter a packed provinical nightclub you notice a dodgy guy of indeterminate ethnic origin standing across the road beside a hired van, the like of which has already been used in a spate of bombings across Europe. As the bloke shuffles away from his illegally-parked vehicle into the shadows do you:

A - Walk in past the surly bouncers and forget all about what you've seen after your third bottle of Two Dogs.
B - Spend all night wondering whether you should do anything or not, thereby utterly spoiling your evening as you are unable to relax and throw shapes to the Nu-Wave of Hard Garage sounds, meaning that some git in a Fred Perry shirt pulls this bird you've had your eye on for ages with his sexy dance moves.
C - Demand to see the club owner who is soon convinced that there is a bomb outside by your ten minute tirade. Scarper quick when he arranges for a controlled detonation on the van - which turns out to contain nothing more than a few old bits of carpet - as several hundred pissed off club-goers look on. 

The government issues a warning that terrorists may attempt to shoot missiles at aeroplanes flying overhead, do you:

A - Laugh off the statement as the ridiculous piece of fear-inducing misinformation it so obviously is.
B - Try to avoid driving under flight paths and look up nervously at high-rise windows every time a large shape passes overhead.
C - Smuggle yourself aboard the next freighter bound for South America with only a harmonica-playing boy called Sergio to while away the journey.

While in London for a day-long work-related course, you happen to be travelling on the underground when a ragged man on the platform starts waving a full bottle of flammable-looking liquid, do you:

A - Ignore him and mind the doors please, mind the closing doors. I said MIND THE CLOSING DOORS! Jesus.
B - Inform a member of the Station staff that a drunk man is making a nuisance of himself and threatening other customers with a bottle of his own piss, then watch in satisfaction as he is unceremoniously ejected onto the rain-lashed streets. 
C - Become certain he's an extremist of some kind who is intent on petrol bombing a packed carriage and push him under an approaching train, just to be on the safe side.

Extremists canvassing your local train station hand you a leaflet denouncing homos. Do you:

A - Drop it in the nearest bin and continue on your way.
B - Pretend to be interested in the bigoted ideology in an attempt to placate them, then shuffle off, nervously clutching the crumpled pamphlet and checking to see if Peter Tatchell is watching.
C - Mop the sweat from your brow and stammer that you're willing to help them out. Of course you're not anti-bender, but what if these guys started a jihad against you for rebuffing them? Best to be safe.

Korea's premier has told the world that any act of aggression on the part of the US toward his country will be seen as warmongering and result in a nuclear exchange, will you:

A - Believe what The President tells you. It's not a big deal and everyone should ignore the speech. Those crazy Koreans.
B - Immerse yourself in the Korean culture to try and identify with the leader's current mindset, emerging more scared than ever after one too many incomprehensible movies in which badly-animated monsters destroy cities with their enormous scaly feet. 
C - Buy one of those sixties films on video that told American kids what to do in the event of a nuclear attack, then spend the rest of the month under a desk in your local primary school. 

A news report says that traces of the lethal poison Ricin have been found inside a bedsit in the
city where you live, do you:

A - Put it out of your mind, the house is a long way from yours and, besides, no one's been taken ill yet.
B - Make a mental note to keep your eyes open for swarthy middle-eastern types to report to the filth.
C - Sell up and move to Tintagel. With its breathtaking scenery and rolling hills in a beautiful West
Country setting, Tintagel is the ideal choice for those seeking to avoid chemical warfare or dirty bombs.

Mostly As. - What on earth are you doing here? Go and visit handbag.com or the Men's Health website instead, there you can find out about what you're really interested in; the best new brands of eyelid wax or exfoliating hair gel. I suppose it's nice to know there are people out there who don't let their little heads be worried by destabilising global events, but we don't want your type around here.

Mostly Bs - You are experiencing a natural psychological response to recent events. In the absence of any specific threats to your life this sense of paranoia will gradually dissipate and you will slowly be able to function normally again. In the meantime avoid crowds of people, major population centres and The New Internationalist.

Mostly Cs - Welcome my friend, welcome. Please feel free to browse the many exciting sections of this site and contact us at homedefenceuk.com if you wish to exchange survival clothing and sandbag maintenance tips. We too are aware that there is very little time left to live our terrified lives before it all ends nastily, and we are grateful you saw fit to spend some of those precious seconds with us.

We're here for you - Al Likilla & Clint Panzerdivision, Proprietors, homedefenceuk.com.
Email Al or Clint @homedefenceuk.com.

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