Monaco, today, where the Prime Minister David Cameron effectively declared War on the Avoidance of Revenue Tax (WART for short), lining up tax-dodgers such as the smarmy, sexuality-conflicted comedian Jimmy Carr, 21, in the cross-hairs of his antique blunderbuss, our France correspondent Brie Hypermarche reports. At a hastily convened press conference from his luxurious Monte Carlo hotel suite, Cameron made an impassioned plea for common sense laws to be brought in to combat the moral depravity of people such as Carr, 46. Fingering his gold-plated tie-clip with visibly shaking hands, a tear slowly descending his puffin-beak-nose, Diddy Dave was clearly moved by the injustice of this latest horrorshow of ‘entertainers’ pissing on the general public. “What about Maud, a cleaner from, oooh, somewhere northern like Burnley? She works doing, well, whatever it is cleaners do, every hour God sends, and then has to pay tax. And then she buys a ticket to see our sinister Mr. Carr from the meagre amount she has left. Perhaps she has a spell living on the streets just so she can afford a ticket.”
“How do you think our Maud would feel, knowing Mr. Carr is paying less tax than her on the proceeds of his sell-out shows, huh?”
PM DC who is in Monaco - the renowned tax haven and home of arguably the world’s most famous Grand Pricks - on a
short break before embarking on another leg of his G20 world tour, in which the twenty leaders of the world’s most
powerful states basically snaffle food and drink and think of ever more elaborate methods of wanking into poor people’s
faces, was clearly moved by the news that someone who had not attended the alma mater of Eton had the temerity to
try and avoid paying full-whack taxes.
Helpfully, he tried to explain exactly why he was so peeved at the news: "Tax is a complicated thing, and I don’t expect
your Toms, your Dicks, your Harrys to understand that much about it. Which is why it is up to me to let everybody back
at home in the UK know that this, quite simply, is wrong. How wrong? Well, as wrong as letting your gamekeeper breed
with your child. Wronger than leaving your eight year old child stranded like some latterday Madeline in a pub-stroke-eatery
while you drive home in your gas guzzler."
And when Diddy was questioned about whether the whole tax avoidance-gate crisis was some kind of smokescreen to deflect attention away from his own failings, as well as those of his famously pig-rich government – an accusation which has, surely, some basis in truth, given that the news broke in the Murdoch-owned The Times - and the Leveson enquiry, our battlin’ British Bulldog of a PM was keen to put forward a full and frank denial. “Listen,” he said, just in case nobody was listening. “Although you might not feel it’s up to me to question somebody else’s ethics, the only way is ethics.” He said this last part with a mock-lisp, and then waited, in case anybody But, in all seriousness, when the PM has to chance his arm at comedy because our comedians are a bunch of shysters, what is the world coming to?
Even as Cameron was concluding his speech and preparing to call a servant girl to bring him cigars rolled on the thighs of virgins, foie gras and pickled asparagus, as well as a remote so he could flick between that other great distraction, England’s progress in the Euros, and brief checks on the whens and the wherefores of the collapse of the Euro currency, the news of a backlash against tax-dodging comedians was starting to crackle over the wires.
In Liverpool, Jimmy Tarbuck was ram-raided by a group of malcontented hood-wearing youths who had organised their attack via
the Blackberry Instant Messaging system. Heroically, he tried to beat them off by going through his whole repertoire of crappy
jokes, including his famous “if you’d like a cathedral, we’ve got one to spare”, but in the end, the attackers won out and were
seen looming away on CCTV cameras muttering about “taxing the bastard”.
In Newcastle the famously ditzy Sarah Millican (right) was picked up by the ankles by a collection of pension-book wielding
white-tops and shaken to within an inch of her life until the small change tumbled from her pockets. One pensioner, Mrs. Cuppatea
Goodweatherforducks said: “We’re kinda like Robin Hood and his Merry Men brought kicking and screaming into the twenty-first
century. We tax the rich and distribute it among ourselves, as it’s ours by right. So we can buy more copies of People’s Friend, and them nice Jammy Dodgers they sell at our local shop.”
And in London, roly-poly cheese-a-like Michael McIntyre reported being clocked round the back of the head with a crowbar in broad daylight on a crowded London street by a couple of masked thugs who were wearing ‘Counter the Comic Cabal’ tee-shirts. McIntyre was virtually inconsolable, and exclusively told HDUK this attack was very much a case of mistaken identity. “I’ve always paid over the odds in terms of taxis,” he said. “Due to the fact I’m a lazy get, I don’t really like taking Shanks’ Pony, nor public transport – one might brush up against a member of the general public. A member. Geddit?” When HDUK told the strangely robotic, panda-faced TV hunk that it was taxes, not taxis he wouldn’t have any of it and stuck to his mistaken identity story. Investigating police officers however denied it had anything to do with the WART news. “We just think people believe McIntyre is a twat generally. There’s nothing linking him to any tax avoidance schemes,” said one particular Met police source close to the Murdoch empire (which could be pretty much the whole of the constabulary, this commentator surmises. But I joke, and I don’t want to joke any more for fear of being attacked.)
Cabal of Comics – Not Funny Anymore
Just as HDUK went to press, the Cabal of Comics, that giggle of comedians led by the towel-dry Jimmy Carr, gave their own response to
the tit-for-tat attacks on comedians up and down the country. The Eight out of Ten Cats star’s angry press release stated that, if the
government and media didn’t stop picking on them, they’d stop being funny, and hence ruin the fragile morale of the nation.
Carr, 78, said: “Cameron talks about responsibility and ethics. But comedians have the biggest responsibility of everyone. We’ve gotta pull
everyone out of this slough of despond and allow them to pretend, just for an hour, or however long they watch us, that things are okay in
the world. That we’re all in this together.” He went on. “This is quite clearly not the case, of course, but we have to pretend, don’t we? So
if these attacks don’t stop, we’re all on strike. I don’t give a hoot how much it costs us in lost earnings. If the tube wallahs can do it, if the
nurses can do it, if the teachers can do it, then so can we.”
Celebrity Juice straight-man Rufus Hound (right) weighed in with his support for the strike. In a confusing move, the man who has never
been funny in his life, has now sworn he will never tell another joke.
Lies and Statistics
On a final note, the rumours which have spread like wildfire over Twitter, fabled to have been started by rentaquote is he, isn’t he (funny) Stephen Fry, that British comedians have constructed a gargantuan underground dome in which to hide to avoid paying tax, have been absolutely denied by London Town Planners.
Jonathan Womble-Jones of the London Builders Association said: “Unless they’ve built the dome under the fahkin Olympic Stadium, then there’s no way on this Earth they could have built anything without our fahkin knowing abaaaaahhhhht it.” Editor’s note: Jimmy Carr was last seen scurrying down a hole close to the Olympic site in London, his cheeks full of coins and bank notes, like some kind of cash-hungry squirrel. Editor’s note 2: David Cameron was most recently observed breast-stroking through a pool whose ‘water’ was entirely made up of one hundred pound notes. Editor’s note 3: Rufus Hound is still trying to think of a joke which might be considered funny, or at least raise a titter.