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A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
by AJ Kirby
The Appliance of Science, by the Conservative Party
WESTMINSTER. After a tough couple of months for the coalition, the Con-Dems today, amongst much fanfare, 
unveiled a new Arse-Covering agenda which they’ve dubbed Artificial Intelligence. Wikipedia describes Artificial 
Intelligence as “the science and engineering of making intelligent machines”. We call it lying.

The central idea behind ‘Artificial Intelligence’ is this: the past two months haven’t actually been as bad as they’ve 
been portrayed by a leftist media desperate to knock the Con-Dems off their fucking perch, in much the manner we saw when 
Saddam’s statue was cobbled in I-Raq. In essence, Artificial Intelligence argues that the coalition hasn’t actually been fucking up 
anything, at all, whatsoever. That in fact it’s all OUR FAULT for looking at things in the wrong way, or from the wrong angle – sometimes 
it's hard to achieve the proper perspective when looking up from whatever gutter or sink estate you might call home. It’s time, they say, to apply a bit of what the commoners call gumption. Or… Well, maybe it’s not actually gumption at all. But it’s HARD SCIENCE anyway. Least that’s what Cameron and his crones would have
you believe.

Pasty Patsy

We’ll start with a simple example; the brouhaha surrounding D-Cam’s barefaced lie about his visiting the West Cornwall Pasty Shop
at Leeds City Station (Artificial Intelligence in an early form here; this lie was much like a child’s over-elaborate cover story to alibi
himself and hence get away with breaking his younger sister’s spooky Styling Head; all that crap about “I seem to remember going
large…”). And then the subsequent discovery that the pasty shop in question was actually closed down over five years ago. 

Egg. Cameron-Puffin-Face.

But no, ladeez and gennlemennnn, we’re looking at things arse about tit. Cammykins wasn’t lying at all. Because of Artificial Intelligence, we now understand that D-Cam was in fact completely justified in making up an imaginary shop for the purposes of… well, what?... Looking like one of us?
“It’s basic quantum mechanics,” chirps Moschops Snide-Snufflebottom, the Tory Boffinry Tsar. “And though I 
wouldn’t expect your common or garden man on the street to understand, some people might. If they’ve been to 
Eton.” Here he jabbed a finger in my chest and raised a spider-legged eyebrow. “I’m talking about Schrödinger’s 
Cat theorem, bud. You know it, yeah? By applying Schrödinger’s Cat to the problem, we can conclude that the 
shop in question was, in effect, both present and not present. In our universe, of course, the West Cornwall Pasty 
outlet at Leeds City Station may no longer exist, but, according Multiverse Theorem, there may be one in an 
alternative reality. Indeed, it’s entirely possible so many alternative realities exist that in one, we might meet a 
version of a David Cameron working behind the counter, and in another we might encounter a monster pasty 
which has somehow genetically mutated and is set to take over the world.”

“Of course,” Snide-Snufflebottom added, “these arguments, and, indeed the original argument, were by no means 
a smokescreen to blind the public to the real damage this government is doing. That would be an idea straight 
out of a fantasy or sci-fi novel.”

And from ‘the disappearing pasty shop’ to the complete cheese and onion pie which was the petrol crisis. You see, the Con-Dems have a Sciencey argument to bluster that away to boot.


“The petrol crisis wasn’t the government’s fault at all. That much is clear,” government spokesperson Rosetta Wang Artificially Intelligenced. “Thanks to the magic of Hollywood, we can all appreciate how this misunderstanding came about. You see, some malicious bastard started a rumour. Wasn’t us at all. Somebody – I’m not saying who, but I’m looking at you, Miliband – incepted the idea of a petrol strike into the heads of first the unions, and then the general public. And hence the shit-storm we faced.”

Rosetta Wang then fired up her laptop and rammed a DVD home into the DVD port. Clicked play. Then fast-forward. Then play
again. Then tried scene selection. “I know there’s a bit in here explains it better than I do,” she muttered. And then, finally, a 
close-up of Leo Di-Caprio’s moon face. Rosetta whacked up the volume and pressed play:
What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea. Resilient... highly contagious. Once an idea
has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed - fully understood - that sticks; right in
there somewhere.

“You see?” she said, later, clapping her hands together in joy. “Problem was, the general public were allowed to have an idea. And what came to pass was people filling jam-jars with petrol and setting fire to themselves in Jorvik kitchens. Won’t happen again. I’ve already explained this to Dave.”

Budget Smudget

Simple Artificial Intelligence can also explain away other problems brought about by George Osbourne’s frankly obscene budget. 
Taxing the old - or, in layman’s terms, freezing them to death - for example. The Con-Dems called in Anthropology – and that is 
a Science, yeah - expert, Claude Georgeat-Asdajeans to explain: “We don’t want the auld fellers and fellerettes to actually die 
in their front rooms, you know. No, what we are seeing with this policy is simple, primitive ritual. It’s about cleansing the rest of 

Claude, whose credentials include fifteen years ‘gone native’ living amongst the Oompah Lumpa tribe of the Amazon rainforest 
and another two as an executive producer of the Ricky Gervais /  Karl Pilkington vehicle, An Idiot Abroad, then raised an 
eyebrow: “Ah. I see you still don’t understand. Okay… Take the Masai Mara of Kenya. It used to be part of the fabric of their 
society that if anyone became too old, or too sick, to survive, and they therefore endangered the healthy members of that 
society, they would march them out of the village, or whatever, and tie them  to a tree, and then let the vultures and hyenas pick them off. Perfectly acceptable behaviour. The Con-Dems have similar sentiments behind the idea of freezing the UK’s old people to death.”

Proper Scientist Tino DC Ricardo Swarvea completely agreed: “It’s utter balderdash that my dear boy Dave would want to kill off old people like this. The levels these Labourites will stoop to. Honestly…”

Science is Truth

Science has arguably replaced religion as our 
means of explaining the world. And the more 
we know about stuff, the less we understand 
about being human beings. Following the 
budget, which neutered great swathes of the 
populace, we’ve heard all kinds of bluster from 
the powers that be. Bluster that comes 
disguised as intelligence, emanating from the 
mouths of those who’ve been elaborately and 
expensively educated in order to put into 
practice this intelligence. And yet, it’s all so 
very artificial. Even when Cameron decided to 
put his money where his mouth was and 
follow others, like Livingstone (I presume) and 
BoJo, in publishing his tax returns in order to 
explain something or other – not, we assume, 
his basic humanity – the intelligence we 
receive isn’t real. It’s as fake as Blair’s smile. 

Feast your eyes on the document to the right, 
you rotters.

And we know this, and yet we choose to 
swallow the lies. We choose to simply shrug 
our shoulders when we learn that Cameron’s 
selling off MEAL DEALS at Number 10. Buy 
a coke and large fries, cough up two hundred 
and fifty grand and you can influence policy. 

HDUK has also gotten hold of the full price 
list for the Cameron Experience and this can 
be seen below.

Al Perlis said: “A year spent in artificial 
intelligence is enough to make one believe in 

I don’t know about that, but I suppose that if 
there is a God, there’s also Satan, and if so, 
he comes disguised as an Etonian Puffin.

Come on people, we need to get mad as hell. 

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